Confusing Conversation with a side of a Concussion

[Dinah-sore]

Hi, I am so sorry if this is being dramatic. Things have overall been the same the last few months. Just medium chill and grey rock with my UnpdH. He hasn't done anything to make me even hope we will one day be happy.

Last week I was in a major car accident, just me with my kids. One of them was driving. We are lucky to be alive. It was a nightmare.

I was taken by ambulance to the hospital with a head injury (not trying to be dramatic, just context for my current level of vulnerability). I have a concussion. I have needed his help around the house, as the kids are also sore from the accident.

Yesterday I came out of the bathroom and UnpdH made a comment about how he is having a hard time and confused about our marriage issues. I was thrown, it was random, nothing has changed.

He mentioned things that upset him about me, for instance he doesn't like that I lock the bathroom door when I go the restroom. Or shower. He says it means I don't feel safe with him. I told him it isn't like that, I am sorry he feels that way, but I prefer to lock the door even when he is at work and the rest of the family is home too. I just prefer it. It felt like he wanted me to stop locking it, to make him feel better. I won't. I prefer to know nobody is going to barge in on me.

Today I called him at work to see if he wanted to talk about the rest of his feelings, he mentioned the bathroom again and said he thinks he makes me feel uncomfortable. He doesn't like that I change clothes in the bathroom with the door locked instead of changing in front of him in the bedroom like I used to. I repeated what I said. He said I give him mixed signals when I talk, like he knows I am unhappy in the marriage but am I going to leave him. I said that isn't something I am thinking about right now, but if things get worse I might.

He changed at that point and seemed happy and confident, like he doesn't care that I am unhappy as long as he had a reassurance that I am not leaving right now.

He said he is confused by my feelings. I told him I don't have hope that things will get better, and if they do, it will still take time for me to believe in the change because things can be faked for a time, and this has been a pattern our whole marriage. And I don't trust him. And I don't feel how I am supposed to feel towards him because of everything that happened over the years. I told him I don't want to hurt him or confuse him and I want to be honest about how I feel. But I can't change how I feel.

At one point I told him, "you know how you feel when you are confused about our relationship? That is how you always make me feel. I am deeply upset and you ignore it, and I never get the sense that we talked it out or resolved our problems. You just wait till I get over it. But how you feel right now, is how I always feel with you." I still don't think he gets it though. I think he is just wondering why I am not over it yet, or maybe he is trying to get me get over it by having this talk.

He skirted around the topic of sex, making sure I knew he wanted it, but he said he won't force me (which is a weird thing to say).

Then when I said "we aren't even friends and I can't rely on you for emotional support because I have been so disappointed in the past. So now I just rely on myself, and my gut, to be my own best friend, and I will protect myself and my heart."

He responded to talk about being friends by telling me that he doesn't like when I talk about politics.   


He wants to grow closer to me by telling me what I can and can't talk about? And I understand politics are a hot topic, especially this year. But I don't talk about them in an angry demonizing other people way, I talk about certain issues that are important to me as they relate to my values and who I am, I am trying to be seen, understood, known. I also don't want to hide what I believe in my own home.

I also find it easier to talk to him about current events, than any other topic, it isn't personal, I am not sharing my own life, it is like talking about the weather or current events. Especially when the kids are around and I want to seem normal. I do not have political t shirts and flags or hats or bumper sticker slogans or go around yelling about things.

I am just saying things mostly as it relates to schools and books. I am a teacher; kids and books matter to me, and protecting kids from violence and bullying, injustice, the struggles of poverty, Etc.  Are just general things I care about. My husband talks endlessly about what he cares about—his job, himself. Constantly. Singularly. Or occaisionally, people he thinks are stupid.

And i don't even really talk to him about it as much as I talk to one of my kids about it and he is there, and he doesn't agree with me on it so usually I think he gets upset that I just don't agree with him on everything. But isn't it ok to speak in my own home about where I stand on some issues? I am not arguing with people.

I get that it is probably best for me to not talk to him at all, but i have kids and I don't want them to feel like I am not talking at all to their dad. So I try current events, "did you see what happened?..."

I feel upset that it feels like he is now trying to silence me because he doesn't like what I stand for. Which means he doesn't like me. Is that way off?

Am I wrong? Is it good to respect peoples wishes and maybe I am thinking only of myself? Maybe I should just respect he doesn't like that and stop, idk. But part of me wants to be like, don't tell me what to say in my own house. He also doesn't like that I say cuss words. He is a pastor. I don't use cuss words to target scorn toward anyone, but if I stub my toe I will say "oh shit." And that is not tolerated. nope. He hates that. He will correct me. And tell me not to talk like that like I am a kid.


I guess the problem (if there is one) is that he left the conversation feeling like a win, he was happy, reassured, hopeful. And I am sitting here thinking 'but I told you I am miserable, I don't trust you, I don't think it will get better, and I don't get resolution.' And he is just happy that I am not leaving him and maybe hoping I will leave the door open when I shower and I won't talk about things that matter to me as much.

Also, he waited until I have a concussion and a near death experience to talk to me about it.

Which means I am vulnerable mentally and emotionally. Life is short.

Am I crazy? Does this seem like I am hurting him? I feel like I should have just ignored his comment about being confused about our relationship. Instead of calling and talking to him about his feelings. That is proof we are different. I hate to withhold comfort for someone I love that is upset.

But I think he was just trying to manipulate me. I can't ask my mom because she will tell me he is trying and I should give him another chance. Does this look like him trying to fix our marriage issues? Am I not seeing an effort? Or do you think he could be using my vulnerability at the moment to manipulate me?

[Dinah-sore]

I also think it is interesting how the things he doesn't like about me are boundaries (locking bathroom door), opinions (things I speak he doesn't agree with), and access (sometimes if I am busy I don't respond to his texts right away).

Thinks I don't like about him, lying about large sums of money, not being there for major medical procedures for the kids, neglecting his duties as a father, gaslighthing me to believe I am crazy so he gets away with his lies, putting us in danger by driving without chains despite my screams to stop, forcing me to repeatedly get abused by a predator in his family, putting my kids at risk of this predator, raging at me with the threat of violence, raising his fist to me, raging the same way at the kids to where I have had to leave and stay with my parents overnight.

There is a big difference in the level of grievance.

But I should feel bad for locking the door and having my own opinions, and not texting back immediately? 

[square]

Hey Dinah Sore,

So sorry to hear of your recent accident and injury. I hope you and your kids are healing. It is a huge priority to ensure you all are healing, so if any additional boundaries need to be set right now, consider yourself encouraged.

Also, you are not being "dramatic" about having a concussion in a car accident, no matter what anybody is saying.

Wow, does he have great timing, huh? Our husbands are different, but mine ansolutely does pick times like this to need something from me. In my case, me being sick or tired triggers him somehow. It's absolutely obnoxious and always leads to a blowup because it's exactly when I don't have the energy to run every possible response in my head at the speed of light, detect possible issues, adjust, recheck, and deliver in a perfect tone. And then clean up the mess when he starts flipping out. UGH.

Well anyway, look, I'm really proud of you. I'm seeing some new things from you. Your response about the bathroom was PERFECT. You held your boundary, didn't really JADE a lot, and seemed to feel secure that your boundary was fine and HE was the one being weird about it.

Look, if you don't feel safe around him, gosh, maybe he should ask himself how he might have contributed to that?

Like with you, current events used to be the safe topic for H and I. Not personal. As long as we avoided a couple of topics it was fine. But after a while he complained it was all we talked about. So now we don't talk.

It's up to you whether you want to talk about that stuff or not. You certainly have a right to. Sounds like you want to. Go for it.

You're spot on as to how disturbing it is that he was happy hearing how unhappy you are as long as you're not planning on leaving.

You're also spot on that his complaints are about your boundaries. He wants to break you down. Your boundaries are fine and necessary.

I'm proud that you told him you weren't planning to leave "right now" and that you warned him worse behavior would change that. Not because I trust your warning will work. But because you spoke your truth. Out loud. To his face.

No matter whether he really truly heard it or not, you said it, you were brave, and you were true to yourself.

Last of all, I am hearing a new strength from you. You are talking about how you see his behavior, not just fear about whether yours is okay. You sound fed up.

Good.

[Cascade]

I'm glad you and your children are okay after the accident. I don't think you should feel bad about any of those things. I even lock the bathroom door when I'm the only one home, it's just a habit. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving it unlocked even if I was in a healthy marriage, I'd guess.

[notrightinthehead]

Everything that Square wrote. I am also proud of you. You made such progress. 

No need to even waste a second thought about his complaints. He is just being his self centered, egotistical, inconsiderate self. He chose a moment when you were vulnerable and weak to bring up his points. Next time just grey rock or medium chill them. Look after yourself and your kids.

[TurnThePage]