Newbie looking for support group and specific co-parenting question

[hopemachine]

Hello! I found this forum because I need support dealing with my boyfriend's undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder ex-wife (uNPDxw).

Although I'm not a mental health professional, I've had training in mental health and mental health is adjacent to my work. I've also been in therapy myself and have greatly benefited. Point being, I have some awareness and coping skills. I've also read a few books that my BF has on divorcing and co-parenting with a PD ex-spouse.

I'm posting here for two reasons:

1. I think I would benefit from a support group to not feel so alone in this experience, and worried about my BF and bonus kids. My boyfriend has expressed openness to a support group too, so we might go together. When I look online, I get a little overwhelmed and unsure of what is the right fit. I'm open to virtual or in-person groups. Which support groups have you had good experiences with? Do you have any suggestions on support groups for our specific situation?

2. For over a year now, the uNPDxw has been accusing my boyfriend of violating their mediated parenting agreement when he is not, in fact, violating it. I don't want to get too much into the specifics, but her interpretation of the agreement has led her to interfere with his parenting time. She is trying to get mutual friends and the school on her side. He uses BIFF to restate the agreement, but she continues to interpret the agreement incorrectly. Is there anything else we can do about this situation?

Thank you so much for this community and your support!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hi, Hope.  How great you are starting this process with some awareness of what you're dealing with.  That's so helpful!

I don't know what's online (except this forum).  Quite a while ago I sought support for this kind of thing through a NAMI family support group.  It's not specific to co-parenting, but I found it helpful in a variety of ways. And many people were dealing with parenting issues. There's probably something that matches your situation better.  Hopefully you'll find just what you're looking for!

Let us know how you're doing . . .

[Penny Lane]

Hi hopemachine! And welcome. I have been in your shoes, in fact continue to be in your shoes just further along (boyfriend is now my husband). You're in an impossible, incredibly stressful situation. I'm glad you're here.

I did not find any support groups specific to this. This board was the closest thing and served as my support group when I was in the thick of it and continues to this day. That, combined with a therapist who's familiar with personality disorders, helped me develop the tools I needed to navigate this situation. And vent. I have needed to do a lot of venting. I hope you find what you need, though!

On your second question:
Again, this is an impossible situation, and I think almost all of us have been there. The parenting plan could say "the sky is blue" but if it fits the PD's needs to have a purple sky they would argue to the ends of the earth.

I would suggest a reframing in your mind of what the problem is. The problem is not that she is accusing your boyfriend of violating the parenting agreement. She is going to make all kinds of baseless accusations and I'm sure does. The problem is that she's interfering with his parenting time.

I'm going to give you a range of different things that have worked for us, and maybe something will resonate with you. Each strategy depends on the specific situation, but generally we try to take emotion out of it (almost impossible) and figure out what strategy is best for the kids in the long term. Sometimes it takes a couple tries to figure out the right way to go.

First of all, on the school: This isn't a problem yet but it's a potential problem. I highly encouraged my then-BF to do a kind of public relations campaign with the school. Show up at every single event. Communicate regularly with teachers. Volunteer. Be part of the school community to the degree possible. He did all this and - slowly - the school recognized this. This was important because BM was trying to keep him out of school communication, and if he wasn't so proactive, she would have succeeded.

On the friends: It doesn't sound like the friends can actually do anything, she's just trying to ruin his reputation, right? I personally would find it absolutely impossible to have mutual friends with my husbands PD ex. And he did too - he doesn't keep in touch with any of those people. Because what he found was that what he told his friends was getting back to his ex and she was using it against him. So for the friends I suggest an information diet, and a very firm "what she is telling you is not true, and I'm dealing with it, but I really need you to not pass things between us." If your friends can't respect that boundary, treat them like the stressful people they are and limit your time with them.

Finally, on the interfering with parenting time: This is the real problem. My H has taken a really hard line on interfering with parenting time. Because if you let her get away with it once she will just do it more and more.

I assume he's considered having lawyers work it out? Sometimes a letter from a lawyer can sort things out fairly quickly. And in the long term, he might be headed back to court anyway so maybe nip this in the bud that way?

After that you have to sort out in your head what you can control and what you can't. And maybe what you're willing to do and you aren't.

For example, if she is saying that her parenting time starts early, and she comes to pick up the kids early, you have a lot of control over that. You can not be there and say "I will be at the house at the agreed upon time for you to pick up the kids."

On the other hand, if she's trying to keep them longer, you have less options. You could call the police, or you could get the court involved. So you have to decide if those things are worth it to you. I don't say that lightly. Police coming to take you away from mom and giving you to dad is a potentially traumatic experience. Court is lengthy, stressful, expensive and doesn't lead to a clear victory. But if you know those are your only two options, then you can go in with a clear head and either pursue them, or decide that you're not going to fight it and move forward.

I didn't mention what in a normal coparenting relationship would be an obvious strategy: try to work it out with her. That's never worked for us. However, if her interpretation would be fair if it were applied consistently, you could say, OK we will just go with your interpretation but we're going to do it across the board. That means in XYZ scenarios it would benefit me. Do you want to do that?

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My best advice for you, which I wish someone would have given me earlier, is that you should disengage as much as possible. This is not YOUR problem. Your job is to support your boyfriend. You cannot solve this, so don't try. And prioritize your mental health.

Hope to see you back around on the boards, and I hope you guys can sort this out.

 

[hopemachine]

Hi Penny Lane! I saw some of your other posts and comments and found them to be helpful because it does seem like I'm in a similar position to where you have been previously. I appreciate you responding to my questions. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and authentic support.

I had been looking at the NAMI family support groups, so it's good to hear a positive review. I just signed up for one to try it out.

To you point about a normal coparenting relationship--I co-parent with my ex, and we have a healthy relationship. So I know what it's like when you can just work things out in the best interest of the children.

I agree 100% that the issue is the parenting time and not the accusations. The situation is not specifically the ones you mentioned, and I'm hesitant to get into it here for fear of being too specific. After some further developments, I think my/our concerns are more around alienation as NP mom has convinced the kids that dad is in the wrong. So maybe I need to write a separate post asking about alienation in a state that allows kids to decide which parent to live with.

I've been confused about how to utilize the attorney in these situations. My BF sends messages to the attorney documenting egregious violations. And he keeps a daily log that could be used in the future in court. We have been hesitant to have the attorney send a letter because we're afraid it wouldn't be worth anything if we're not willing to follow up with court, and that's a whole different calculus. I know this forum is not for legal advice, but I'm curious how other people handle this.

The issue with the mutual friend is that it's really my BF's friend, but the friend's kids and my BF's kids play together frequently and playdates are arranged with both parents. So NP mom bullied the friend into agreeing to an unreasonable request that basically results in the kids not being able to have playdates on my BF's parenting time. The friend feels badly that they fell for it. The whole thing plays into NP mom's story that BF is violating the parenting agreement and this furthers her case in the kids' eyes.

The school issue is very important and you make a good point. In the past, teachers and administration have caught on that dad is more reliable than mom. It's a constant challenge, though, as those people can change from year to year.

I hear what you're saying about how this is my BF's issue and I'm here to support him. This is exactly where I feel stuck the most. I have a hard time knowing the details and not participating in the solution. I haven't been able to engage in therapy for a variety of reasons, but I've been considering going back back for this reason. I'm also hopeful that the support group can be helpful for this. I really wish I had people I could talk to who get it so that I could share specifics in confidence. My friends are great, but none of them have dealt with this so they can't provide examples or speak from experience like you can. And honestly, sometimes I don't even bring it up because it's too exhausting to talk about it with people who don't get it. Hopefully the support group will help.