It's been a year

[DesertYears]

I don't want go much into the details of my life, except for the stuff relevant to the reasons I signed up. Although, I've been reading this forum for some time. I am glad it is here and I am also glad it stresses the need for privacy.

I have been estranged from my family for a year. It's not the first time, but I want it to be permanent this time. I do have siblings, but they don't agree with what I have done and don't want to be in contact with me if I am not willing to be in contact with my parents. I don't have any friends anymore either. For some reason I lost contact with them during the lockdown. There was no falling out, we just ended up living such different lives that we had little to nothing in common anymore.

For some reason I am only now starting to struggle emotionally. Initially I was simply afraid my family would force contact. My mother did try a feel times. I have her blocked on my phone, but she still leaves voicemails every few months and she has sent me a letter. I feel dizzy and slightly sick whenever I am faced with such messages. But they are thankfully getting less frequent.

I've had therapy a few times in my life. Only one therapist was every able to help me. The rest could either do nothing or made me worse. I haven't had any therapy since I went no contact with them. I am scared to seek it out. I am worried that I will be blamed and pressured to reconcile. Or even if I do find a therapist who is able to help me, I am worried that I will lose access to his or her services if I move or if the therapist retires. I no longer have access to the one therapist who was able to help me, because I moved out of the area and I am wary to try and find another one after bad experiences. I also hate crying in front of strangers and I know that I will when I talk about what happened. I am crying just writing this post.

In either case, that is my situation. It's good to know I am not the only one. I don't know if that makes it easier, but it's good to know it all the same.

[bloomie]

DesertYears - Hi there and a warm welcome to Out of the FOG.  Thank you for sharing a bit of the circumstances that inspired you to officially join the community.

Making the decision to distance yourself from your parents which resulted in all of your family is incredibly isolating and painful. I am so sorry you find yourself grieving theses losses and having to make this decision.

As helpful as therapy can be, maybe it is okay to not pursue that until you are more steady on your feet. It is a lot of vulnerability and effort to find, establish, and engage in a therapeutic relationship.

Have you thought about turning your energies to something that brings you joy or that you love? Gardening, art, music, dancing.. something that is an outlet for the emotional pain, but that doesn't directly focus on the specifics of what was said and done that brought things to this place?

Since you have been around the forum for awhile now you most likely know about the resources and insights you will find all over the forum boards. When you are ready, ask questions and engage with the community. The healing and help I have found here has been unique and different than anything else and I can't recommend enough coming back and sharing.

[DesertYears]

Hello bloomie and thank you for your reply.

I have read the forum a bit, but I can't say I am so familiar with it already that I know many of the resources yet. I found it a few months ago and return to it occasionally, but I was not an active lurker.

As for doing things that bring me joy, this is a bit of a hit and miss at the moment. I already struggled to do things I enjoyed before I cut contact. It's slowly coming back to me with ups and downs. Some days I can't make myself do anything, despite feeling intense boredom and other days I can devote some time to doing things I love and feel, if not better, at least distracted.