I don't know who my husband is

[Lonelioness]

Hi,

Female,40, married ,together 20 years, young kids involved.

Looking for support, advice.

My partner, 42, has been having mental health issues for a long time. The most dangerous is when I express myself in a way that they claim overwhelms him. He's tried to jump out of a moving vehicle,engaged in self harm, threatened to kill himself, etc (our kids were present for all of these).

We started couples therapy to fix our communication styles - what he claims is the problem.

Last week,I caught him sexting during family time with kids.He doesn't know I know any of this.
I got photos and found the social media profile he's using.

Because of that I found he's been in a relationship online with this person (a transwoman early in transition) for about 3 months. A LOT of love bombing, communication, explicit texting. This person is telling my husband everything he wants to hear.Husband has been live streaming erotic video and audio of himself on social media to a community of randoms. Staying up late at night doing this in a room without a door with our young kids in the house.

Husband has also been badmouthing me on social media. He claims I'm abusive and controlling. Claims I won't let him leave the house, that I don't clean enough (I am disabled because of a chronic genetic disease),offered to send people photos of our home, claimed I'm a narcissist who weaponizes my own therapy against him, posts snippets of my conversations with our kids for his online friends to laugh at and dog pile. He even was joking about how he was an expert on the psych principles our couples counselor was teaching us. As in,he already knows everything and the couple's sessions are to fix me and only me.

I've been in a dark place this week. It hurts so bad to read these things.

I'm a disabled stay at home mom to autistic kids and I have no idea what to do. I have no family to help. I don't know who this person I'm married to is. I don't know what they're capable of, or what his friends or girlfriend are capable of.

In person he comes across as balanced,mild mannered, and when he isn't triggered - nice. I've had people tell me I'm lucky because he's "better" than most husbands.

My therapist says he screams personality disorder to her.  He will be furious when he finds out I know. I've been quietly prepping an escape plan.

[square]

That's a lot.

Glad to hear you're working on an escape plan. And your instincts are correct to keep your knowledge and your plans to yourself.

Welcome to the community. Read around and keep posting. We're here for you.

[Rebel13]

Totally agree with everything square said above. Also, please check out the ChumpLady blog/website, and I believe there is a Facebook group also. Many of the people there will understand what you are going through, down to specific details, and will have great advice and support for you.

Hang in there, take care of you and your kids, watch your back, and get the help you need to get through this.

[Lonelioness]

Also, please check out the ChumpLady blog/website, and I believe there is a Facebook group also. Many of the people there will understand what you are going through, down to specific details, and will have great advice and support for you.

Thank you!  I've been struggling to find somewhere safe to talk. I just got confirmation he's read my posts elsewhere (while also accusing me of cyber stalking him). I will check this out.

[bloomie]

Lonelioness - welcome to Out of the FOG. Wow! What a lot of betrayal and shock you must be feeling. I am so thankful you reached out for support, but so sad for you and  your children that you are having to go through this.

We have excellent tools and resources at the drop down menus above and supportive conversations on the forum boards that may be of help to you.

Since this is such a serious breach of trust and there is some grave concern for your safety with the level of breaches and exposure your H has brought into the home I wanted to suggest that you do a few things.

Find the domestic violence organizations in your community and get input into how to prepare and execute your leaving. Boots on the ground, walking beside you is what you need, especially as you say your online attempts to post and get help have been discovered by your H.

With that in mind, as you share here, remember that this is a publicly viewable forum. We register to post, but the threads and content can be viewed by anyone. So, cover your tracks and do not use any identifying info that could expose who you are as you share here.

Also, search and respond in private mode. Clear your browsers, log out of everything always.

Here are some links that I hope will be further resources for you:

https://www.thehotline.org

Emergency resources:

https://outofthefog.website/emergency

Come back and let us know how you all are doing as you are able.