Moving Out

[shishio7]

I'm staring down the barrel at the hardest thing I ever had to do. I never moved in with a girl before. This was my first time. Lives states away. I would hop on a train down. Stay for a few nights, then hop on a train back home. The time I spent with her was blissful. The time apart was challenging, she made it challenging. I should have seen that as the red flag it was. But blinded by love I ventured on. When I moved in things got better, for a while. Until, little by little, they got worse and worse and worse.

Now, a little over a year, I am moving out. She was supposed to be my last. She is my everything. I am her rock. She is taking this very very hard. I have been speaking with friends. They all reassure me this is the right thing to do, but it doesn't feel right all the time. Just earlier, I was speaking with a friend about all this. She told me I am a good person. I don't feel like one. I have been praying to Gd for forgiveness almost every day for breaking my SO's heart. Can I still be a good person for putting someone through such anguish? Not to mention the anguish and depression I am putting myself through. I waited for her to be on a cruise. She knows I am coming to get my stuff. It hurts. It hurts so much. She wanted me to wait. So she can kiss me, hug me, one last time. I told her I am scared of her from our last encounter. That might be true. I don't even know anymore, but I know if I saw her, the little resolve I have left would break down.

This is hell. 

[xredshoesx]

@shishio7  gentle hugs to you today.  I am so sorry that this is the best boundary for you right now to protect yourself.

I went though the move out make up break up cycle with my uPD ex for 6 years.  in that time we had several DV issues , esp towards the end when the already poor relationship had completely broken down.   it was hard and I was terrified to be on my own- and I know this is even more challenging for you bc you moved to be with her.

if you are concerned she'll show up and do something inappropriate as you remove your belongings I urge you to see if a police officer can be there, or at least a third party.

waiting until she gets back just gives her a new opportunity to pull you back into the chaos.  be strong.  you've got this.  it's the hardest thing you may have ever done, but it also may be the best decision you've ever made.

[bloomie]

shishio7 - coming to the realization that the relationship is not healthy and in fact has become unsafe for you takes great courage and wisdom.

One of the thing that came to my mind as I was reading your post is that you are choosing your safety and health in every way by finding the strength to leave in spite of how much it hurts. You will come to see this as one of the most powerful things you could do for yourself I feel sure of it.

I agree 100% with xredshoesx that leaving while she is not around to lure you back, play on your emotions and needs, and weaponize your love for her is a very good choice.

I am so sorry you are hurting!

[shishio7]

Thanks guys. Your words mean a lot in this really challenging time, although, my worst fear might be coming true. Originally I was going to have someone come with me, a parent, a friend. In the 11th hour, no one will come with me. I will have to make the journey alone. I just needed it for morale support, emotional support. But now, I will be alone.

[StartingHealing]

shishio7,

Congrats on doing what you need to do for yourself. Big step.  it does get easier in time.

I savvy.  I was 1000% committed, the former spouse was the 'one', that person I put my life on.  Did my dam-edest to make it work. Blood, sweat, tears, time, money, flesh and bone.

Then, I was put through the grinder of BPD abuse. 25 years of he77. 

The abuse kept getting more and more severe.  It got to a point where she was arrested for DV. Which I took advantage of because down deep, I knew that if she came back, I was going to die. There was no reserves left for me to draw on.  I didn't know if it was going to be emotional, mental, spiritual, or physical death. 

Realize that you wondering if you are a good person or not is actually proof that you are.  because those who don't wonder about it usually are not.  I went through that as well.   

It's scary doing things solo at the beginning of your path towards wellness. Many times my pucker factor was off the scale.  Looking back I understand why I felt that way.  My self-concept had been pounded into a comparison to a person that has 0 stability in anything.  And taking action for myself, even when the former spouse would benefit, because I wasn't totally engulfed by her delusions, that was.. Let's just say I suffered greatly for it by her hands.

Take pictures of everything that was left, condition of the place, and take pictures of everything that you take.  Just in case there are claims made against you for xyz item, xyz condition, etc.  Talk to the local law enforcement folks, maybe an officer can be there as a 'witness'.  After you have your stuff, video yourself dropping the keys into like the mail slot of the management office or mail them signed delivery return receipt.

You can do it.  Breathe.  I found that a series of 5 deep breaths, released fully each time, helps with the emotional overwhelm.

After this, block, delete, change your email address, change your number, change your mailing address, if she has access to any online anything of yours, change passwords, recovery emails, etc.  Go completely incognito from her.  You need to do it.  That way they can't hoover you back in.  Distance yourself from her friends as well because they can be manipulated into becoming flying monkeys for her.

Realize that emotions will come and go, ebb and flow. That many times our emotions are being driven on how we think about things.  For now, just notice them while you do the physical actions you need to do. 

Wishing you all the best.