What to do now?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

The scapegoating, the being turned into someone's punching bag, tearing you down, the projected hatred of the PD is something I was subjected to in FOO from an early age.

After many, many years of different treatments, trauma therapy, 12 step, practicing the tools - medium chill, gray rock, etc - I am able to not engage, not become reactive .... on the outside. Hallelujah!   

I have left all PD's long ago except one who doesn't live with me but I still have to have regular contact with (now increasing). This uNPD has found a new way to belittle me which is getting to me internally.  (Still not reacting at all outwardly.) 
 
I have started going into emotional "collapse" again.  I'm feeling either numb & down or very stressed a great deal of the time, almost the way I did as a kid, even when not around the uNPD.  It has triggered the emotions from childhood.
     
Trauma T, the tools, spending more time with healthy friends and activities. These are currently not enough to bring emotional balance. It's getting worse.  What am I missing?  What else can I do to bring emotional healing?  Or should I just accept I'll be a mess internally for some unforeseen time?

[notrightinthehead]

That sounds bad. Looks like you need another strategy. How are you being belittled? Can you share a bit more detail?

[SonofThunder]

Hi Lookin 2B Free,

When I am capable of doing a work myself and both economically & efficiently it makes sense to do so, I will.  I only have 24/7/365 like the next person, so there is a known limitation of available time, and much needs to be balanced such as sleep, work, eat, physical and mental health etc.  I enjoy looking at my life and relationships like a profit & loss statement (also called an income statement).

In the generalized P&L statement, there are revenue, cost of sales, and expense categories. The goal is to have revenue higher than cost of sales + expenses = profit.  I believe that relationships can be looked at the same way.  Combined with ny known time limitations, I can work on a plan & budget to determine what duties to do myself and which I will subcontract.  If the duty is one I can eliminate then I will do so. 

In your situation, is it possible to 'subcontract' your "regular contact with (now increasing)" to another person or entity?  Hired nursing for a loved one is an example vs attempting to care for a person on my own.  'Expense' must also be calculated not only by time and money, but the to-do's toll on ourselves which can also grow if not kept at bay. 

SoT

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, NRITH & SOT.  I'd love to be very specific but don't want to be too ID-able on here.  I'll try to give a bit more.

The characteristic being disparaged is something I have absolutely no control over  (think something like height, age, skin color).  I heard a lot of comments about it as a child, but rarely since then until now when it's being criticized repeatedly by the uNPD.  It's an Achilles heel for me. The remarks themselves are  pretty triggering.  It's also triggering to have someone go after me in such a predatory way like happened in my childhood and when married to a PD.

As far as the subcontracting idea, SOT, this is more akin to the position a mother is in trying not to rock the boat due to the chance of losing child custody (due to the position in life the PD has).  I've brainstormed this with more than one mental health professional and they say unfortunately you have to be there and keep playing it cool, that's there's really no other option.

So what do we tell people in that situation?  Mothers/fathers who must endure situations of emotional abuse and overwhelming stress (more so than mine mostly) while waiting to be granted partial or complete custody? 

 

[notrightinthehead]

There are methods in NLP where you learn to steel yourself against constant needling. Let's say I have a complex about the size of my nose and the person keeps on referring to me being able to smell exceptionally well or having my nose stuck in, or my nose being the first thing one notices about me, my nose looking like a beak, potatoe...
I can journal the incidences, make a statistic how many times and in what context my nose has been mentioned that day, take guesses what else they can invent about my nose, treat it like a research project. This allows me to distance my feelings of inferiority I have because of the size of my nose to the behaviour of the other person. 

You can also imagine some kind of protective layer, a glass, an umbrella, or Teflon shield that goes up immediately and deflects any attacks. Usually this mental image is connected with a gesture like touching your wrist and needs to be practised beforehand.

You can also prepare a list of positive affirmations contradicting the belittling message received and read them, listen to them, tell yourself immediately afterwards.

Good luck!

[Happypants]

May i ask, is this targeted characteristic something that, at any point throughout your life, hasn't been as much of a source of pain or trigger for you as it was in your childhood or now?  Has it fluctuated depending on your overall feeling of self-worth, differentiation or progress through life?  You mention that surrounding yourself with good people and taking part in activities isn't helping - I just wondered if there's anything else you can include in your life that REALLY reinforces your sense of self and identity, perhaps something that was a recurring theme during your better times?  I ask because after years of working on myself, I've noticed that with less contact, i'm a "whole" person, but during periods of increased interaction I become the sum of all my "bad" parts (their chosen narrative) and now have instant and extreme physical ailments (previously, it would be months of emotional numbness).  When I think, behave and do all the things that make me "me" whether I feel like it or not, I'm more resilient to them chipping away. 

[Rebel13]

One thing I'm trying, for a triggering situation in my life, is I did research and made a list of "snappy comebacks." (You can google this, there are a million on Reddit alone.) I am not planning to actually say them in the situation, since I think it would only make things worse, but I find that just making the list, imagining saying them, and cracking up over some of them, is helping me get a little bit of distance from the situation. I might try THINKING one of them when the situation arises, while actually saying in a perfect medium chill tone, "OK," to see if laughing inside my head helps defuse the situation and my reaction.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, again, everyone!  I have heard of NLP, NRITH, but didn't know what it was. It sounds like mentally/emotionally removing yourself a step from it all.  I'm up for trying that!

Happypants, my previous post wasn't clear.  Spending time with healthy friends and activities has worked better than anything.  If I were free to do it several hours a day, it would probably cut the reactivity by 90+%.  So it's important and I'm giving it extra time and a high priority.  It's just not enough.  And, yes, like you, I have periods in my life when I feel whole and good about myself and then too much exposure to a PD will just cut that down.

Rebel, I'm doing well when I can feel the anger and do a comeback in my head.  When it's really bad I just go into collapse (freeze), which has been happening.

In recent days I discovered something else helpful.  In most areas of my life I feel pretty good about how I'm doing, or at least good enough.  There is one area I'm improving in but it still brings shame.  This has nothing to do with the current PD though it almost certainly comes from a PD FOO childhood.  It makes me vulnerable to concluding that I am inferior  to "normal" people.  I'm going to bring that to my trauma T.

[JustKeepTrying]

Hello Lookin - long time no chat.

I too am in a similar situation where I am exposed more to my abuser (OCPDexhusband) since I stopped traveling and am living with my son while he recovers from the abuse. I am also seeing him more as he controls a portion of the money. It is so damn hard since so many people don't believe he is abusive and he brings up things in a such a passive/aggressive manor or out of concern for me or some type of bs. Triggering and those thoughts and insecurities begin to circle and just over and over again. I thought I was out - thought i was building and moving on - but I'm back in it.

I am using all the tools - all the ones you referenced - and it wasn't helping. My therapist suggested mindfulness meditation - the type of meditation where you see the thought and acknowledge and then let it go. This has helped me stop a loop and step back and see that the thought isn't valid and not fall down after it. It takes a lot of practice - twice a day for five minutes - but it is helping.

Sending you all the support and positivity!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hi, JKT.  I'm sorry the return from your travels has brought you more PD contact.  Ugh!

Meditation, yes.  I've just been thinking it would be very good for me to commit to it more - make the time.

I also think my tolerance for this stuff has weakened.  These days, when I have a choice, I  eliminate contact with people high in PD traits. Whatever internal shield or guard I automatically learned to don around pwPDs, daily since I lived with them, has dropped.  I can afford a normal level of being open and unguarded around people, the vast majority of whom are not trying to hook you with love bombing, dominate, manipulate, or be abusive to you.  I don't need an arsenal of tools around the world of nons -- just common sense and a red flag detector so I can take care of myself.

I was with some people I don't know well this morning and felt uncomfortable, insecure. ... not because of anything they were doing, just bc I'm feeling more vulnerable these days.   I stumbled a bit when speaking.  Everyone stayed normal and nice around me.   There were no sharks lurking to smell a drop of blood and attack, belittle. I was safe to feel and act a bit wobbly in that place. That's my experience the vast majority of the time.  I don't like feeling vulnerable, but I like experiencing a safe world.

[Rebel13]

I don't like feeling vulnerable, but I like experiencing a safe world.

That is such a lovely thought, phrased so beautifully. Thank you for sharing that.