No Good Deed

[NarcKiddo]

Well done on sending the PJs. Although it can be galling, I find that when they are in preen/queen mode they are slightly better company for all who have to deal with them. So you have probably done the staff a favour.

Interesting that she does not give you specifics on the condition and treatment. My mother can be like that. We get endless updates on minutiae of conditions that are minor (although she bigs them up as much as she can) but if there is a whiff of anything that might be more serious she is very selective about what information is given out, when, and to whom.

[moglow]

Kiddo, it's like she sees this as some kind of holiday, where she simply has to show up. Everything is done for her, no decisions to make, nowhere to go, nothing she needs to do.

She used to be one to try and give minute details of every little thing. Now? You get a broad brushstroke if that, before she shuts down. I decided to just not ask. We have a hinky feeling there's worse underlying it all and she's either in complete denial or just riding it out. She doesn't mention what to me would be concerning issues.

It was kind of funny yesterday, out of the blue she text with questions about our recent office closing and said she's "concerned for that paycheck." Odd observation to make after all this time. Maybe she's thinking to somehow go home and wrangle an (hopefully?) unemployed mo into being the caregiver. NOPE. I gots a job here thx.

[bloomie]

Moglow - I am having flashbacks to the last months of mil's life. Bed bound by choice, sadly enough. It was her SuperBowl! And Oh. My. Word! So painful to bear witness to. 

MD may have been waiting a long time to take her rightful place as The Queen of Everything and Princess of Quite A Lot!

What a gracious gesture to send MD some jammies. You are the kindest of souls! 

[moglow]

I'm really a simple soul at heart, Bloomie. There's not much in my world that's not improved by a good bath then into fresh jamas and soft sox. Maybe a cuppa tea with a snack. And always a book. But that's me. 

For her, I just couldn't see how soft new jamas wouldn't improve ... Something. I don't tend toward extravagance but little creature comforts like that sure do help.
If nothing else it'd improve my outlook. If that's what it does for her, hopefully the staff reaps the benefits, even if only for a little while.

And I was right again, btw. She asked #2 if I still had a job or if I "needed some place to go." (I.e. perhaps she should offer her house as the keeper of Princess of Quite A Lot.) Bro said he got through it without outright laughter but told her he didn't see that happening OR that it would be a good idea for either of us.

[moglow]

Update - today md was presented with a partial [?] accounting, broken down at $204 per day. It's rather vague what's been billed awaiting payment or if this is her portion. Brother said he's not once [in now three weeks] seen her anything than flat of her back. OH! I'm supposed to participate for this to work?! But suddenly she's in compliance with therapy, went twice today. I know I'm awful but cannot roll my eyes hard enough for this.

If she pulls some supposed "miraculous recovery" out of this ... 😑

[bloomie]

And I was right again, btw. She asked #2 if I still had a job or if I "needed some place to go." (I.e. perhaps she should offer her house as the keeper of Princess of Quite A Lot.) Bro said he got through it without outright laughter but told her he didn't see that happening OR that it would be a good idea for either of us.

Oh, NO! 😳

Update - today md was presented with a partial [?] accounting, broken down at $204 per day. It's rather vague what's been billed awaiting payment or if this is her portion. Brother said he's not once [in now three weeks] seen her anything than flat of her back. OH! I'm supposed to participate for this to work?! But suddenly she's in compliance with therapy, went twice today. I know I'm awful but cannot roll my eyes hard enough for this.

If she pulls some supposed "miraculous recovery" out of this ... 😑

So, is the sudden willingness to use her appendages due to the $$ it is costing to house and feed her?

[moglow]

@bloomie I'm guessing as long as it's free, by all means take advantage and make demands? The sudden compliance can only be attributed to money coming out of her own pocket.  I'm made of different fabric - need for rehab there may be, and I'm going to do whatever is needed to get back to my own bed and my peace. Not sure where I learned that ... We are definitely not the same. And yes, for that I'm grateful.

I guess what haunts me is the knowledge that she chose to play act rather than be genuine when we visited. She supposedly had no idea who we were, yet showed no emotion before or after we had to introduce ourselves, no interest on any level. Not even hey these people are new, they might be nice. Even had she had a genuine lapse, she showed nothing until we left, then immediately called our brother all upset. He and I have since talked about it and he questions it as well - she knew enough to call him and question our being there on a week/work day. No further reference beyond her text to me late the following day, so I'm guessing she didn't get the response she wanted.

[moglow]

Yet another update:

Md still in facility. Recent procedure to inject "concrete" into collapsed vertebrae to support and relieve pressure on the nerves apparently very successful. She tells bro #2 she has no pain (somehow her excruciating knee pain of many years is also gone?) and is ready to go home. The facility is supposedly making arrangements for her release, has a list of things she must be able to do unaided for that to happen. And suddenly she's compliant, active participant in her care. Not that it's been mentioned but hopefully they are also coordinating home health visits. I'm sure brother has hade it clear she lives alone and none of her children are moving in with her.

Md's sent two texts to me about this change of venue, possibly expecting me to offer to stay with her? She's yet to address what got her there, anything about her supposed rehabilitation, and of course her claiming to not know who we were during that one visit. True to form, she's rewritten/erased recent history and I'm sure we're to all pretend all is well and she's reinstated as master of the universe. Please excuse my cynicism, and no, I'm not signing up for it.

All of this is in the tail of yet another unsolicited revelation to bro #2: we were aware Daddy had some childhood illness/dysfunction that required surgeries. Gist of it is, doctors didn't know if he'd be able to father children. Md has now informed bro that she went into the marriage with full understanding and agreement that children were very likely not possible. She was okay with that. BUT Had she known that wasn't the case, she'd "have protected herself."

So ... Four unexpected -and unwanted- pregnancies. Got it. As bro #1 put it, it all makes so much sense now. She truly did resent us from the beginning, made no secret of it. Imagine her anger and frustration, taken out on four babies then little children. I'm betting postnatal depression and the whole nine followed. I can only imagine what she said and did to Daddy. She must have made his life a true hell.

Who tells her children such things - and why??

[bloomie]

So ... Four unexpected -and unwanted- pregnancies. Got it. As bro #1 put it, it all makes so much sense now. She truly did resent us from the beginning, made no secret of it. Imagine her anger and frustration, taken out on four babies then little children. I'm betting postnatal depression and the whole nine followed. I can only imagine what she said and did to Daddy. She must have made his life a true hell.

Who tells her children such things - and why??

Just mind blown! 🤯 I believe that someone like this has zero ability to consider or care for the devastating impact their stream of consciousness - word vomit - has on the precious souls they were entrusted with. Dereliction of duty of the first order and I am so very sorry for this!

[NarcKiddo]

Oh, dear. What a ghastly update. I am sorry you had to hear that. Although her statement that she would have protected herself rings somewhat hollow after four pregnancies. Whatever the truth of the matter it is a very nasty and upsetting thing to say.

[moglow]

The complete lack of care or concern is mind boggling. To her "credit" it's not exactly like it was a surprise at this point, even though she'd never voiced it that way before. She's never been one to hold back whatever her feelings or mood. But yeah, you'd think she'd have figured it out after the first child or two. She's pretty good at altering reality to suit herself so who knows where her mind went.

And honestly now her comment has raised the question of our paternity (again). I remember stories that our grandmother had doubted it, maybe she knew/saw/heard something Daddy didn't? His profession took him away for months at the time so there's no question there was opportunity... We lived hours away from any family, no adult supervision so to speak. Anything is possible.

Big brothers final word on the unwanted pregnancies commentary sadly eased my heartache: That's okay, she's kind of an unwanted parent.

He's a keeper.

[SonofThunder]

So ... Four unexpected -and unwanted- pregnancies. Got it. As bro #1 put it, it all makes so much sense now. She truly did resent us from the beginning, made no secret of it. Imagine her anger and frustration, taken out on four babies then little children. I'm betting postnatal depression and the whole nine followed. I can only imagine what she said and did to Daddy. She must have made his life a true hell.

Who tells her children such things - and why??

Just mind blown! 🤯 I believe that someone like this has zero ability to consider or care for the devastating impact their stream of consciousness - word vomit - has on the precious souls they were entrusted with. Dereliction of duty of the first order and I am so very sorry for this!

  Agree.  PD's seem to have a heavily polluted stream.

SoT

[Rebel13]

Big brothers final word on the unwanted pregnancies commentary sadly eased my heartache: That's okay, she's kind of an unwanted parent.

OMG priceless.

[moglow]

A cousin/the only family member who's remained in contact with mother (and the only one I know md confides in) called me today, insistent that I should "be aware what's going on" at mother's house. Said cousin hasn't actually seen md herself in many years because of mother's refusal to see her but somehow I'm to overlook that. But I digress ...

Md returned home from the rehab facility yesterday morning, spent the rest of the day complaining and finding fault with everything around her. A normal person would be glad to be home and of a second chance that not many 86 year olds get. But no. She called and text this cousin/her niece repeatedly with a list of he said/she said and how awful my brother is to her. You know, the only one of her children she'll have anything to do with, the one who has carted her around and seen to it she gets the care she needs.

Anyhoo, the cousin confirmed for me that mother knew exactly who we were when we visited. Md was mad that we didn't tell her we were coming ahead of time and decided to shut down. Far as I know she didn't exactly laugh or brag about it but she fairly accurately described the visit to cousin, contradicted herself several times in the telling and ultimately was caught in her own web of lies. Whether cousin actually pointed that out to her or not, I'm not sure.

THEN cousin said she's talked to mother about it further, and she/cousin told mother that if md invited us to her house for a visit and promised to not dredge up ancient history, we'd come visit. You know, the children she pretended to not know. She expects *us* to "try again" knowing the history. I asked her, why would you promise something like that, speak for us without talking to US about it?? Why would anyone want to put any of us through yet another of mother's performances? Cousin KNOWS what's taken place all these years, mother has told her many times about private conversations, godawful things she's said and done to all of us - and cousin thinks we should go back into that garbage? And she thinks we can somehow "make it right"??

End of the day it was all I suspected and more. Cousin still seems to think we owe mother, specifically that I "as the only daughter" has an obligation to take care of her. She can take her obligations and shove it! I won't refuse  md the help she needs in whatever way I can, and I don't wish her ill. I just want nothing more to do with her personally. I knew it the day we left that room and I'm more firm in it now.

[SonofThunder]

"She can take her obligations and shove it! I won't refuse  md the help she needs in whatever way I can, and I don't wish her ill. I just want nothing more to do with her personally. I knew it the day we left that room and I'm more firm in it now."



Well done moglow!

SoT

[NarcKiddo]

Ugh. If the cousin/niece is so concerned about family obligations perhaps she can take some upon herself. Well done for calling her out on making promises for other people. I guess it is at least interesting to have your suspicions confirmed about your visit, though.

[moglow]

Funny you say that @NarcKiddo - cousin took care of her own mother in her final years. In the process she cut her sisters out, had her mother sign property over to her, blocked all contact in and out between mother and sisters. Lots of devious stuff there. While I don't care, don't want or need mother's house or anything from her, that house was my brother's before mother made it impossible. Why he's still hung in there and tries to get her past her demons I don't really know.

But cousin had some nasty things to say about my brother, details and comments that could only have come from mother. She claims mother has suggested cousin coming to take care of her. Cousin was pretty open - she'd need "security" (ie the house) to move up into that situation. And to hear her tell it she'd be a manager/administrator (which is what she's doing now elsewhere), not doing the actual hands on care. She wants security for herself in addition to paying someone(s) to do the work.

Far as I'm concerned mother can go back to assisted living for all that. I get it - cousin wants to do what she did with her own siblings, needs to make a living like the rest of us. But she sounds like a predator, preying on vulnerable old people. I don't think so. Then again, md keeps playing everyone the way she is the two of them might be good for each other.

But tell me what *I* need to be doing, and trying to foist it off in me, knowing this situation? Hell. No.

[bloomie]

Moglow - not that you needed it or were looking for it, but so much confirmation here. Both your mother and this cousin have outed themselves resulting in you reinforcing your boundaries!

It seems your mother's faculties are still intact... as evidenced by the ability to think so fast on her sick bed she could pretend she didn't know you and your brother as punishment because you hadn't called ahead. 

She can take her obligations and shove it! I won't refuse  md the help she needs in whatever way I can, and I don't wish her ill. I just want nothing more to do with her personally. I knew it the day we left that room and I'm more firm in it now.