Feeling broken

[britmac]

Hi. I am a grandmother. I have struggled for years with children who tended to be selfish and inconsiderate, but I always told myself they would eventually grow up, and all but one did. A daughter has been on and off affectionate and caring then abusive and hateful for years. She baits. She plays manipulative games setting loved ones against each other. She blames. Nothing is her responsibility or due to her choices. She is always a victim and blaming someone - often me - for everything that is wrong in her life.
I have been in denial. I think deep down I knew she was a narcissist, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. Today, I read a lot about BPD and narcissism, and I can't deny it anymore. But my subconscious mind keeps screaming that it's not so; that she can be fixed somehow; that it must be my fault... 
She does have a lot to contend with, but most of her problems are a result of her own foolish choices. And she does not try to be positive about anything, much less grateful for anything. She looks for things to be angry or sad about and she looks for ways to make other people feel bad.
Today she said the cruelest and most hateful words imaginable. I feel completely broken. I don't feel able to cut her off because she has a child who has a disability and I adore him and he loves to visit. She uses him as a weapon too, threatening to stop me seeing him if I displease her.
She is completely lacking in empathy. I have been ill and hospitalised recently and she did not even ask about my health, but she screamed at my husband when he told her - screamed that she had problems.

I am fortunate to have a loving partner and other loving children, but I don't feel able to talk to them about my feelings. They know what she is. They have been telling me for years. To them, the solution is simple. Just ignore her. Pretend she doesn't exist. I don't think I can do that, and they can't seem to understand why. I just don't know how to get past the feeling that somehow I must be to blame, and I should be doing something to fix her somehow.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group britmac

i'm sorry the relationship with your daughter has brought you here, but I am glad you are among people who get it. I think it's even harder  for you because you have to deal with the fact that she's weaponizing her child in an attempt to manipulate you. even in the best of family situations parents and young adults have friction but like you said, most young adults grow out of that stage as they mature and get more out in the real world and learn to see situations from different points of view.

we have an active group of parents here who can support you posting here. I am sure you can find validation as well as seeing what's working/not working for other parents dealing with adult uPD or PD children.

Parents' Discussion

the key to you navigating the relationship with your daughter may hinge on how you choose to respond when she's behaving poorly and trying to manipulate you.

I understand completely how in this situation ignoring your daughter or cutting her off completely isn't a realistic solution.  we talk a lot about boundaries as a way to protect ourselves from the crazymaking and behaviors that come along with having a person with a PD/uPD in our lives, but how each person makes and uses these boundaries is unique so it's one word that can mean so many things for different people.  to me; boundaries are how I control my responses to people who I have no choice to have in my life (I use them mostly on the job)- I have to think about how I will react and what my choices are when put in situations where I feel like people are taking advantage of me or attempting to be abusive to me.

here's the article for boundaries to help you get some ideas https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries

this is part of our toolbox - https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

I need you to repeat after me.  I am not broken.   my daughter's choices are her own.  I can't control how she acts, I didn't cause her to act this way, and I can't cure her from her behaviors.   over and over and over.  I legit do this for a situation i'm in and it does help me because every time I say it, I release the responsibility on me being the one to fix everything.

be gentle with yourself today and we're listening when you are ready to share more.

[bloomie]

britmac - adding another warm welcome to you! The angst you suffer in relationship with your daughter comes through your post and I am so sorry for the pain her choices are causing you.

I am thankful you have come here and found a community that gets the no win position someone so loved by us with disordered and high conflict behaviors can bring to our life. The confusion and self examination can be excruciating. It is especially difficult as you have a grandchild who you know needs you.

I look forward to seeing you out on the forum boards when you are ready to share more. My hope is that you will find spending time in this lovely community of fellow travelers will lighten a heavy heart!

[britmac]

Wow! Thank you so much. Just knowing there is someplace to go for support and understanding helps so much.

[SonofThunder]

Hi britmac!  Another welcome to this wonderful community of caring people from all over the globe.

Love the words and support already from xredshoesx and bloomie so nothing more to add but prayerful thoughts of encouragement and comfort for you as you navigate the truth of your experiences.

See you around the boards and look forward to you joining in on the discussions.

SoT

[Defiantdaughter1]

Some people don't have the ability to be happy. I learned this about my dad. Even when he got what he wanted, he was still miserable. He wants everyone else to be miserable. Obviously, he has some type of disorder.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this behavior from your daughter. If you're not going to stop communicating with her, you will have to learn not to internalize her hurtful words and behavior. I understand wanting to see your grandson.