Introduction - Healing from a Lifetime of Toxic Relationships

[Sageness]

Hello everyone,

I'm reaching out to this community as someone who has been navigating the complex and painful process of healing from a lifetime of toxic relationships, and I'm hoping to connect with others who might understand what I've been through.

I grew up in a family where I was the scapegoat, a role that was imposed on me by my mother and reinforced by other family members. For years, I was made to feel like I was fundamentally flawed—often labeled as "evil" or the "teenager from hell," despite not doing anything to deserve such treatment. This narrative was carried forward by my family long after I'd left home, and it has deeply impacted my sense of self.

As a teenager, I was sent to live with my aunt and uncle, who were very religious. That environment was supposed to be a fresh start, but I faced emotional abuse there as well.
The narrative that I was the "problem" child followed me into adulthood, and no matter what I did, my family continued to see me through this distorted lens.

This pattern continued into my adult life when I entered into an abusive marriage. My ex-husband manipulated and controlled me, reinforcing the belief that I was the problem. It took me years to unravel the trauma of that relationship and to begin to see the truth of who I am outside of the lies I was told.

Through a lot of introspection, therapy, and research, I've come to understand that I've been living out trauma responses for much of my life—whether that's pushing people away, struggling with feelings of shame, or getting stuck in unhealthy relationships. I've also realized that many of the behaviors and beliefs I thought were just "who I am" are actually deeply rooted in the trauma I experienced.I've recently been exploring the concept of Complex PTSD, which seems to fit with what I've experienced. It's been eye-opening to recognize that the emotional dysregulation, hypervigilance, and deep feelings of shame I've carried are not signs that I'm inherently flawed, but rather that I've been living in survival mode for most of my life.

Today, I'm working hard to move beyond these old patterns and to create a life that's based on my true self, not the false narrative that was imposed on me. I'm focusing on self-compassion, seeking out healthier relationships, and continuing to learn about the effects of narcissistic abuse and scapegoating.

I'm here to connect with others who might have similar experiences and to learn from those who are further along in their healing journey. I'm also hoping to offer support and share what I've learned along the way.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

I'm looking forward to being part of this community.
Ness

[SonofThunder]

Hello Ness and welcome to Out of the FOG!  So glad you have joined our wonderful community. 

I read your story and you have been through many difficult situations, yet I read strength in your writing, so well done on the education of your situations, discovering who you really are, enacting strong boundaries including divorce from an abusive spouse and self encouragement to keep pressing forward!  Well done Ness!

Im also looking forward to you being a part of this community, so slide into any empty chair around the forums of your interest and join right in the conversations. 

See you around the boards!

SoT

[Defiantdaughter1]

I know what you mean about emotional dysregulation. I'm sorry you had a difficult upbringing. Complex PTSD affects me, too. I've considered EDMR therapy which is said to be helpful for C-PTSD.

[Sageness]

Thank you everyone for your kind welcomes.

I'm also researching EMDR therapy, it's not easy to come by in my neck of the woods, so am branching out to look into virtual sessions