A little extreme

[OrangeFrog]

Hello to everyone and thank you for this forum.

I'm the daughter of a man with malignant NPD, and severe sadistic and sociopathic traits. My mother has antisocial personality disorder (she is a psycopath). It was an unfortunate combination, worstened by their high status in society.

My father was dangerous and my mother had no emotions, except occasional envy and a taste for chaos. The abuse was extreme. It was emotional, verbal, physical, and chronic. My mother enabled my father's sadism whilst manipulating the family like pawns against each other. My father kept us in a constant state of terror, which of course did not affect my mother.

My mother has never felt fear. She has faced life threatening situations including a home invasion and being held at gun point. She even laughed when they asked about the safe. She doesn't find this odd. She never loved anyone and is disgusted by affection. Her usual composure is one of an expressionless robot.

My father is an embarrassing, manipulative, grandiose narcissist. His sociopath behaviour raises brows and concerns but he gets away with anything. He's also admired, and considered exentric rather than rude. These things fuel his sense of entitlement and disrespect for the law or appropriate social behaviour.

They isolated us in a foreign country when we were very young, in a small village. The abuse was becoming noticeable, as well as the neglect. When my father was away, my mother didn't feed us because she didn't have the empathy to think of our hunger. My father needed to control us and didn't like the support we had from friends and family in our country of origin. When we moved abroad, he decided to work from home. Our bedroom door had no handle, and he installed glass windows in the wall to see us at all times. The bathroom door was glass.

Behind closed doors he cut, poisoned, and randomly beat his children in bed at night. Sometimes my mother asked him to beat us at night too. He manipulated, verbally abused, humiliated the family. My mother was unmoved by this, and loved the confusion she created by denying it. The domestic violence was chronic and appliances were changed regularly. He also threw or burnt my favourite toys and killed two of my pets.

They both drank every night to the point of intoxication whilst maintaining a facade of a normal family. My father was charming, witty, his accent and etiquette won people over to the point of brainwashing.

Also their relationships were non consensual which is very hard to swallow as their child. Please don't ask me how I know this, but it's a fact.

The abuse was so bad it was obvious but we were manipulated to doubt ourselves. I was the scapegoat and for survival's sake my siblings took every advantage they could of my position to gain my father's approval. My mother minimised and denied everything as well.

When I was young my father tried to make me kill myself. My mother, who saw us as burdens and often complained about having children, suddenly expressed a kind of curious pleasure to see if I would comply. The brainwashing was so strong that it wasn't unreasonable of her to hope so, but I refused.

My father planned my murder after that. He recklessly wrote an incriminating letter to his best friend about it. When his friend refused to help and threatened to talk about it, my father destroyed his life and reputation to the point that he left the country.

As children we depended on a narcissist wielding a kitchen knife, and a psycopath. We survived by denying my mother's disorder and clinging to a psycopath for love and affection.

I'm sorry this is so long.

TLTR: it was hard growing up

[drewdavis]

Welcome OrangeFrog, after reading this post I feel your childhood growing up was very difficult. Try to overcome it!

[OrangeFrog]

Thank you drewdavis, yes I'm in therapy, it helps a lot.

[Defiantdaughter1]

This was very troubling to read, but I'm glad you're talking about it. It helps to release these events from inside us. I hate how you and your siblings were treated. Have you been to counseling? I'm sure you have nightmares about all of that. It's impossible for us to comprehend what your parents were thinking or why they did those things.

[notrightinthehead]

Yes, this was difficult to read. I am so sorry. You must be very strong to have survived this nightmare of a childhood.

[OrangeFrog]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I was lucky, my coping mechanism kept me from total denial. I imagined I'd been kidnapped and had real parents somewhere for 15 years, which created a detachment and a constant element of comparison to something healthy.

Yes, I have nightmares, GAD, C PTSD, depression, trouble regulating emotions linked to fear and panic attacks.

I'm grateful for therapy which brought me to catharsis so I'm nearly there. Things do get better!

[bloomie]

OrangeFrog - welcome to the community. Thank you for trusting us with the struggles and terrible experiences you are working very hard to heal from. It takes great strength and courage to do so.

Since you have identified yourself as someone suffering from CPTSD, we want to make you aware of a couple things as you settle in.

At Out of the FOG, we often welcome members who are dealing with CPTSD as a consequence of having been in a relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder. We recognize that CPTSD sufferers have a distinct and unique set of concerns and issues they are dealing with and recognized the need for a separate forum.

So, we helped launch Out of the Storm at: https://www.outofthestorm.website  - a support site specifically designed for people who suffer from CPTSD. We encourage you to check it out as an additional resource.

Here at Out of the FOG, we discuss our relationship issues as they pertain to the other people in our lives with a PD and welcome your participation. We have a number of sections, including one called Working On Us especially for dealing with recovery from those relationships.

Many of our members participate at both sites and find doing that beneficial. I am thankful you have found us. I will see you out there on the forum boards. 

[OrangeFrog]

Thank you Bloomie for your kind welcome.
I will definitely go to Out of the storm, and working on us. Thank you for creating these forums, it is good to feel safe here.