New here trying to gain some clarity

[DanAnni]

Hey there! First of all I've been reading this blog for a while now and it brings me hope so thank you.
My experience with my mother is like many of yours. I've been NC for about a year and it still has its challenges.
She is a very charming person and really never showed any signs that she was abusing toward me in front of anyone outside the house. That's why I've had a very hard time when I told my cousins and aunts what I've endured and they didn't believe me. I understand it because when in front of them she looked like a loving and giving mother but the truth is that she was like this only when in front of them. Once we were home or even on the way home the smiles, hugs and good words stopped completely.
For a long time (until i was 22) i believed that it was normal and everybody lived this way. At this age i started giving lessons in peoples homes and seeing how they were behaving and how safe and calm this kids felt there and it was mindblowing to me. I started to think that maybe it was not normal to be scared to talk to my mother or to eat in front of her. It's now mindblowing to me that I could think that was normal.
Well, I got out. My grandparents, her parents halped me and got Out of the FOG too, along with my uncles, her brother and sister. My dad's part of the family still don't believe me and buy into her victimism so I've pretry much lost contact with them.
Even though I've come a long way it's still very easy for me to gaslight myself and believe her narrative. Specially when I talk with my dad,I've completely stopped trying to make him see the truth because he gets very defensive and it never leads anywhere. He's always enabled her but he never did anything actively to harm me, he helped when he could. I don't want to lose my dad too but I really don't know how to manage a relationship with him that now consists of a phonecall a week where I can't really talk about anything that  bothers me and i can only see him when my mother wants to break no contact trough him and he brings me someting from her.
Anyway, I don't know if this is a bit all over the place but I will really appreciate your perspective!

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. Thank you for sharing a bit of the difficulties with your mom and by extension, your enabling dad. I am thankful you reached out, but so sorry for the painful journey this all seems to have been.

It must validating for your mother's family to support you and to have come Out of the FOG as well. I am thankful you have had that help. You are not alone in awakening to realize that your mother is two different people. One public persona and one private.

I can say from my own experience, that living with the confusion and self doubt that arises from living with a parent with such divergent personas is a complex puzzle to come to terms with.

Like you, I needed a variety of helpful avenues and voices of support in coming Out of the FOG. I have found my time here, in this community, to be unique in the healing and validation that comes from spending time with others who have walked very similar paths.

This is a community that welcomes you and that will support you. We believe you and want you to know you are not alone. One of the first mantras I learned when coming here was The 3 C's Rule that says: I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it.

Whatever the reason your mother failed to love and protect you as you deserve, to nurture and provide a safe space for you to grow and thrive within, and whatever ways your father turned a blind eye or possibly chose his own comfort over confronting and dealing with the abusive behaviors or your mother toward you, YOU did't cause any of it.

May your hope continue to rise and may you find strength and courage as you direct your steps to healing and recovering. I look forward to seeing you out on the forum boards and supporting you!

[DanAnni]

It's been a while but thank you so much for your words.

[LemonLime]

Hi DanAnni,
Welcome to the forum.  We're glad you're here.  I'm thankful that you are finding out so much about your family at such a young age.  Most of us, including me, are much older than the age you might be when we finally figured some of this out.  Congratulations..it means you will have many more years to live a FOG-free life. 

We're here for you.  Please keep reading posts, and keep posting.
Your words help others as well.