roller coasters are not fun....

[firepoetry]

Hi Everyone,

Just looking for advice.

This is my story:

My ex has bipolar. As I read over other people's posts, I see our experience duplicated throughout other people's experiences.
So, I have a child with my ex, who has bipolar. Our child is eleven.
He has very spotty mental health. I have tried calling the mental health mobile unit, but they are not helpful. He has been manic almost consistently since April, maybe as far back as March. He has had a couple slips of depression, then goes back into manic. He told me he was taking adderall and was kicked out of the practice for abusing adderall.
For a couple months he was getting kind of depressed and was talking about selling his car and going to DC. He had a breakdown at our daughter's therapy stating he was leaving this week. Then last night, he went all icarus and was saying something about how last night world peace happened. He said to check out his trans facebook account, but he had blocked me on it. While not logged in, I could see he posted Jesus pictures? Then he said something about a definitive political outcome that is sure to happen because of a certain voting block. So, world peace will happen as a result of that.
Just chaos. The roller coaster he's on gets me all planning for one thing, then he does a 180. I just want to make sure me and my daughter are safe. Any guidance or things to look out for, please feel free to comment. I have had little support with dealing with all of this. My daughter's therapist says she doesn't want to get involved with getting him in a mental facility, because she wants to make sure she is an ally for our daughter with navigating their relationship. But, this last visit, as have others, have made her look at me like, wtf?

Additionally, there was a lot of history with his parents. His mother is histrionic. His father doesn't have any mh issues that I'm aware of. They took us to court for visitation when they were seeing our daughter frequently because he took her to see them. That was about 9 or so years ago. Our daughter is eleven now, and she hasn't wanted to see her grandparents and last August, me and her father stood up to them, and they no longer have visitation since July of last year. We (my daughter and I) are successful in our no contact with them. There was some serious boundary issues, and they just couldn't understand how they were violating my daughter's boundaries. No ability to empathize or self-reflect. He still visits with them, as he is financially and emotionally dependent on them.

The roller coaster he has us on with his manic episodes is stressing me out and putting me into PTSD mode. (I'm in therapy for PTSD).

[bloomie]

firepoetry - what a unsettling day to day you and your daughter are living in with your ex's mental health. I am thankful that both you and your daughter have therapeutic support in dealing with the roller coaster.

There is a risk assessment tool that you might find helpful in figuring out how much access to allow your ex to have to you both. It is called The Mosaic Method.

Could your daughter's therapist offer you local resources and support groups for those dealing with family member's with mental health issues so that you could have in real life options as well as coming here and sharing?

Just some initial thoughts and mostly I just want to support you as you find your way to getting off of the roller coaster and more settled.

[firepoetry]

Well, the assessment was more about dv than it was about his mental health.


ASSESSMENT RESULTS: 7 on a scale of 1 to 10
Based upon the information you have provided, and with a quality level of 187 out of a possible 200, this situation appears most similar to cases that -have- worsened and escalated. On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being assigned to situations that have most of the factors experts associate with escalation), this situation is a 7. Some similar cases have escalated to include worsening abuse and substantial violence. Though not in the worst category of cases, this situation can escalate to the point that a future assessment would produce a higher number on the 1 to 10 scale.

[firepoetry]

Neither my therapist nor my daughter's therapist have been very helpful. Neither have offered any kind of additional support to help me through this.

I'm getting to the point where I realize that there's just nothing I can do about him. So, I am going to try to divert to grey rock strategies and distance myself from him as much as I can. That way, I won't be drawn into his issues. And, it means I won't necessarily know how bad he's getting, but I also won't fall victim to his rants and gaslighting. After reading the assessment, I started thinking of his mental health as a dv strategy. Like, maybe he's getting himself into a manic state in order to get my attention.

Part of me also thinks I should just surrender to the unknown. I have a lot of hypervigilance as a result of CPTSD. So, surrendering to me means, que sera sera. What will be, will be. I have no control over him. I only have control over me. And, I can reset my boundaries and not let him in.

[bloomie]

firepoetry - sending you wisdom and strength as you determine how to set and hold boundaries in such a difficult and uncertain situation.

[Rose1]

My ex was also diagnosed with bi polar and he certainly cycled with periods of depression.
Years later my youngest was diagnosed as potentially juvenile onset bipolar which is a bit controversial but I 100% agreed.
The doctor was very helpful as I talked about not coping with another one.
He looked me right in the eye and said "your issues and all the.manipulation was not the bi.polar but a personality disorder, it's unlikely your daughter has a pd".

She also has epilepsy and the medication has been very effective for both. She's definitely not manipulative.

On the other hand exbpdh never stopped with his stuff, in particular the need to pay me back for everything I did to him. He has shown no interest in his kids and they're both adults now with no relationship with him. he still likes to put the boot in when he can and has very little concept about him being the common denominator with his.poor relationships.

It took me to cptsd as well. He was already an ex when I learned about bpd. What a lightbulb moment. He came in as an 8 on the mosaic score. A lot of the danger and other stuff like parental alienation didn't gel with me until much later. Sometimes when you're in the fog the excuses just wash over you. Later on it starts to make sense.
Take care. In my case avoiding him as much as possible (NC) started to lead to healing but it took a while

[notrightinthehead]

Firepoetry, it's a pity that neither your, nor your daughters' therapist have been helpful to you. I have found self help groups like CoDA incredibly helpful, they even have online meetings, if one is prepared to look into one's own contribution to a situation. It's such a bitter pill to swallow that you cannot heal or save your loved one, you cannot even help them to help themselves if they don't want you to. It seems that your partner has lost his grip on reality for now and he lack self awareness. This is an issue of putting your safety mask on first, maybe even a parachute before you go down with the plane.
Study the toolbox and concentrate on your own and your child's safety. This means financial safety as well.

[firepoetry]

Thanks for your comment! I'm wondering if in your exbpdh he did drugs to induce his manic state.


I'm very concerned about his vengeance issues, and his ability to retaliate. I am white, but I live in a mostly black neighborhood, and the police don't respond. So, if he came to my house and did anything, chances are I'll be dead or just take whatever he dishes out because a) he's a lot stronger than me; and b) the police literally don't come to my home. I called them when someone tried kidnapping my child in front of my house, and they never came. Exbpd was on my porch having a mental breakdown and wouldn't leave, and when I called the police, no one came. So, I'm kind of on my own.

My ex was also diagnosed with bi polar and he certainly cycled with periods of depression.
Years later my youngest was diagnosed as potentially juvenile onset bipolar which is a bit controversial but I 100% agreed.
The doctor was very helpful as I talked about not coping with another one.
He looked me right in the eye and said "your issues and all the.manipulation was not the bi.polar but a personality disorder, it's unlikely your daughter has a pd".

She also has epilepsy and the medication has been very effective for both. She's definitely not manipulative.

On the other hand exbpdh never stopped with his stuff, in particular the need to pay me back for everything I did to him. He has shown no interest in his kids and they're both adults now with no relationship with him. he still likes to put the boot in when he can and has very little concept about him being the common denominator with his.poor relationships.

It took me to cptsd as well. He was already an ex when I learned about bpd. What a lightbulb moment. He came in as an 8 on the mosaic score. A lot of the danger and other stuff like parental alienation didn't gel with me until much later. Sometimes when you're in the fog the excuses just wash over you. Later on it starts to make sense.
Take care. In my case avoiding him as much as possible (NC) started to lead to healing but it took a while

[firepoetry]

Thanks for the suggestion, but I'm not codependent. I was concerned about it before, and I talked to my therapist, and she explained codependency, and that's not my jam. My jam is cptsd, anxiety, and I go in and out of Stockholm Syndrome. And, the reason I go in and out of Stockholm Syndrome is because none of the systems have worked to protect me and my child, and using these systems (court, CPS, police) will only result in exbpd potentially becoming retaliatory again. I am "nice" to him, not because I'm codependent, but because I don't want him to harm or kill me. Evenso, I have called various mental health and crisis lines multiple times, and explained everything ad nauseam. While they have concerns about his mental health, we have things in place to prevent hospitalizations. Because he's good at masking, even in his latest episodes of crazy, they pat him on the head and suggest services. I've also tried Adult Protective Services, but they didn't do anything either. My last potential option, the nuclear option of calling CPS on him, is going to serve to traumatize myself, and may only bring about temporary relief. They may review his mental health, and they may review his home. His best case scenario is engage in counseling and clean up your house. The worst case scenario for him is they say, wow, your mental health is terrible and its so negatively affecting your life that you should only have supervised agency visitation with your child. While that would be great for me and DD, these only go into place for a limited time, let's say we are in court for one year. Afterwards, if he cleans himself up, he will suspect I'm the one who called CPS, and his retaliation will begin anew. He may even take me back to court, which will suck for me, because the Judge hated me. And, he may reel in his parents, who he is definitely codependent with, and they may file petitions stating we are violating the court order by not allowing them visitation. So, if I don't die from his retaliatory behaviors, I will end up having to spend all my money and use up all of my adrenals on court proceedings fighting the both of them. (I have had adrenal exhaustion in the past, and was borderline about to die, this is in part to the cptsd).

Firepoetry, it's a pity that neither your, nor your daughters' therapist have been helpful to you. I have found self help groups like CoDA incredibly helpful, they even have online meetings, if one is prepared to look into one's own contribution to a situation. It's such a bitter pill to swallow that you cannot heal or save your loved one, you cannot even help them to help themselves if they don't want you to. It seems that your partner has lost his grip on reality for now and he lack self awareness. This is an issue of putting your safety mask on first, maybe even a parachute before you go down with the plane.
Study the toolbox and concentrate on your own and your child's safety. This means financial safety as well.

[Rose1]

Have you read the gift of fear by Gavin deBecker? I believe it was his work to bring us the Mosaic test.
One of the things he says is that fear is useful because we can see things that our mind might not want to accept and we should listen.

I found it interesting that he said in some cases restraining orders can make things worse because it's a challenge basically. I think my ex would have been in that category - no one tells me what to do. He demonstrated that with dodging child support.

I know that most of this was his bpd (diagnosed) and not the bi polar. In his case the abandonment issues caused a lot of problems over the years. He was also enmeshed with his parents who egged him on or ignored him depending on their mood (the underlying issue I believe)

Anyway, I know currently things are difficult but is it possible for you to move somewhere safer? Stockholm syndrome still has you catering to him and I'm sure he knows it . That doesn't mean that it doesn't make sense to have fear. Of course it does. But I wonder if he would be quite as belligerent if there was some protection for you.

My ex was sneaky in that he waited till he knew he could get away with things or did things that were deniable.

Of course you know your situation best but if you could get somewhere with some consequences for his behaviour the peace is very healing.

[firepoetry]

Have you read the gift of fear by Gavin deBecker? I believe it was his work to bring us the Mosaic test.
One of the things he says is that fear is useful because we can see things that our mind might not want to accept and we should listen.


I haven't read this book, but I have it. I really need to put that at the top of my reading list, I've had so many recommendations. Thanks!

I found it interesting that he said in some cases restraining orders can make things worse because it's a challenge basically. I think my ex would have been in that category - no one tells me what to do. He demonstrated that with dodging child support.

Yes, I believe this is the case in my situation, too. He loves to walk the line of boundaries and occasionally step over them and be like, oops, sorry! But he's not. He knows what the social boundaries are, and he plays like he doesn't. For example, I've asked him not to come over to my house without permission, he never listens.

I know that most of this was his bpd (diagnosed) and not the bi polar. In his case the abandonment issues caused a lot of problems over the years. He was also enmeshed with his parents who egged him on or ignored him depending on their mood (the underlying issue I believe)

Anyway, I know currently things are difficult but is it possible for you to move somewhere safer? Stockholm syndrome still has you catering to him and I'm sure he knows it . That doesn't mean that it doesn't make sense to have fear. Of course it does. But I wonder if he would be quite as belligerent if there was some protection for you.

Moving somewhere safer... So, right now, I own my house (with a mortgage) and I've been thinking about saving up to move for awhile, but just don't have the money right now. But, my current place is about 10 minutes away from him, and the police don't respond, etc. So, I have been thinking of moving, and I think I need to re-analyze my finances and pinch more pennies. You're right, moving would make me feel safer, especially because the police respond better in other areas. And, just getting distance would allow me to have better boundaries in place against him. And, yes, he has some control due to my Stockholm Syndrome, which I struggle with.

My ex was sneaky in that he waited till he knew he could get away with things or did things that were deniable.

Yup. Mine, too.

Of course you know your situation best but if you could get somewhere with some consequences for his behaviour the peace is very healing.

Thank you so much for your suggestions!! It gives me the ability to look at things I have in my control. And, while I don't have th money yet to move, I can work on that as a goal.

[Rose1]

Taking control of your life is very liberating. It's also slow sometimes but each step forward is good for your mental health. Be very careful you keep your plans very much to yourself.

In my case I was also In a financial bind for the first year in particular. I shared a house for a year with an old friend. Not ideal as my ds and I really needed to bond as a family, but it put food on the table and it was good for me to have the company.

It also gave me a breather to consolidate my work. Eventually I accepted a study scholarship and my wages went up. The girls and I were never really well off but we managed and had a couple of holidays as well which were awesome. Ex was not paying child support (because no one tells him how he should look after his family responsibilities).

So I had a choice. Become financially independent or stress all the time. In other words, outperform him. He didn't like that but it was a good role model for my girls. They hardly ever saw him but when he did he tried to pump them for info.

So you can't tell what you don't know. I did not tell them about my plans much except that I was a working mother just like a lot of their friends and where I worked of course.

When he first left I moved house. I was renting and he was letting himself in while I was at work. It was far too stressful so I moved. I had to do what was in our interests and stop worrying about his response. That also took a while because he likes to threaten.

He eventually turned his energies elsewhere and slowly over a few years the contact became less and less. In hindsight I could have disengaged my mind faster in that respect but I think I was addicted to the constant drama.

So basically what I'm saying is make your plans to take back your life, do it quietly, work on your financial situation with a budget, increased pay if possible etc, divest yourself from him financially as much as possible, and distance yourself physically as well.

Don't worry if it takes time because it will. Every little move towards your goal will make you feel much better.

And hopefully he will turn his attention to other things. In hindsight also if I had given him a bit less attention and grey rocked more it would have been quicker I think.

[firepoetry]

I am along those goals. When we were still living together, over ten years ago, I started taking paralegal courses online. I worked part time for a number of years because I hated the jobs I was at, and because I needed to take care of dd. I remember that when I was taking paralegal courses, my xN said that he was going to contact my school and lie to them to get me kicked out. That was a huge red flag, but I had seen a number of other red flags and that was why I was in the program. I have always been independent, but I suppose I became emotionally dependent on others, particularly when it came to my self-esteem and sense of value and belonging. But, I've tried working on all of those things. After working as a paralegal, I decided to go to law school, and I did that. I am now an attorney (mind you with a ton of debt due to legal and student loan issues).

The problem is that he wants to be me, but he hates me so much. That became apparent tonight. I thought that over the years we had moved past a lot of our issues, and we have been coparenting. Then in March, he hit another mental health rut, and this whole roller coaster began again.

Tonight, when I picked up my dd, he went on one of his political rants. We actually share some of the same political ideals, which is what had drawn me to him in the first place. But, since, our political ideals have changed. Regardless, he was going on about how no one listens to him. He did some phone banking and he, along with ten other volunteers were unable to get any new registered voters, which was the goal. He also talked about how no one is responding to him on his famous facebook account. (Not really famous). And, he had given people an ultimatum, repost or unfriend me. Some people challenged him, and he had battles with them about it, and ended up unfriending a lot of people. Many people said, oh, let me check them out and get back to you, but then never got back to him.

He doesn't understand that he just isn't this "famous" all-knowing, superhuman that he thinks he is. He thinks he single handedly stopped fracking in NYS. He didn't. He think he led the occupy movement in our area. He didn't. He thinks he is the answer to the environmental issues. He isn't. And, no one listens to him, because he's just not effective. I learned a lot time ago, being in the activist movement (and frankly throughout my life) that I was not effective. I can't move people. I'm not outgoing, and I can't influence people in that way, or much of any way. So, I learned to find meaningful work. He is unable to do so. He wants to be the icarus flying high in the sky, and when he starts falling toward the earth, he becomes Narcisis, and as he's falling toward the lake, he seems himself, but instead of falling in love with himself, he falls in hate with himself, and all others.

After his political rant, he turned the accusations toward me. I also never listened to him. I took away his child for two months (when I was in a domestic violence shelter and had a restraining order against him after he threatened family suicide and after he said he hated me so much he wanted to rip my face off and kill me). He said that was all a misunderstanding (the family suicide) because he said I had asked him if he wanted to kill himself (he was severely depressed at the time, much like present day) and he said that if he would go, then he'd have to take all three of us, because we were a unit. (Me, our daughter, and him). That was after several months of us arguing and fighting over everything, ironically, mostly, that he wouldn't listen to me. For example, I wanted us to have a house that was not a CPS house. He refused to fix the house. That was his choice.

Anyways, back to the present day.
- I never listened to him;
- Now he can't get his life in order;
- Now he can't get a job;
- He can't afford to feed our dd, so I should just keep her (tomorrow);
- I took away his child for two months;
- I "lied" to the court and said he threatened family suicide;   

It was at this point that I looked at dd, and I said, we need to leave, dd really should not be listening to this; then he said, oh, I shouldn't have said the last part about you, but IT IS ALL TRUE.

He was very angry and very depressed. I took dd and we left.

I started reading the Gift of Fear book. I'm not sure if it is my PTSD or my intuition telling me that my life may be in danger. Or, if not my life, then he may end up suiciding himself. But, if he is leaning towards suicide, I'm concerned he may take me and dd out with him.

Also, someone called CPS on him due to the condition of his house, and also due to his mental health.  They are opening up a case. They came to my house yesterday. I was in shock and went into PTSD mode. I'm thinking I might call the social worker and let her know what happened. My problem is that I've called the mental health agencies a million times, and they did nothing. I'm not hopeful that this will end well. I keep saying that at the end of the day, when these services go away, he will still be there, and he will be resentful and potentially retaliate against me. But, again, I don't know if this is my PTSD or this is my intuition.

Please keep me in your thoughts.

[notrightinthehead]

Your post makes me think that you're in full blown trauma response. You seem to be ruminating about him, what he does and doesn't do, his plans, his thoughts.
You seem to be incredibly strong, having studied successfully in spite of him, having moved yourself and your daughter away from his toxicity.
You believe yourself to be in danger, and a competent person like you will have reasons for that.
Now- would there be any way for you to consistently move your thoughts from him, when they wander to him and his problems, to yourself and your safety, your plans, your next step towards healthy living? Don't waste any more energy on him. You have wasted far too much already. Now it's time to focus on how you can improve your life, your safety, your well being. Is there a neighborhood watch in your area? Can you make neighbors aware that your partner might cause you harm? If the police don't help, are there security firms that do?
You have been to the DV shelter. Did they offer support groups for yourself and your kid? You do need people who understand. Not everyone does.
Sending you a big hug!

[Rose1]

Go you! You've done a great job.  I agree with comments above, it's so easy to fall into the addicted to drama stuff or the constant hypervigilence.

What I'm about to say is often considered controversial. However I have lived for nearly 30 years post ex and happily remarried for 15. My daughter's are grown.
At first with my ex I tried very hard to get him to see his kids but he wouldn't. He thought having them would help me out and he wasn't going to do that.
When he did occasionally see them there was non stop parental alienation, dubious friends (my d's words), and a feeling of potentially things going wrong so that we had an exit strategy.

Both D's went NC, the oldest at 24. In hindsight despite the prevailing theories, children do not need two parents but they need one sane one. An insane parent who uses and threatens the kids is not required and does a lot of damage, often deliberately.

He said for you to have your daughter. Take him at his word and do not offer time with her, or anything that isnt absolutely necessary or court ordered. It's ok to be sad about it, your d probably will be too, but the end result is much better. I put a lot of effort into building a good peaceful home, with rules,with respect shown etc and it has paid off. Oldest was the golden child and she has some cptsd for which I'm very angry actually, but it could.have been so much worse.

Some poor parents are obliged to have their kids week about and spend the entire week trying to get their kids back onto an even keel, then off again. I don't know if I could have coped with that.

He's very dangerous having made those threats and your brain can see it. Take note as Gavin de Becker says.

[firepoetry]

Your post makes me think that you're in full blown trauma response. You seem to be ruminating about him, what he does and doesn't do, his plans, his thoughts.
You seem to be incredibly strong, having studied successfully in spite of him, having moved yourself and your daughter away from his toxicity.
You believe yourself to be in danger, and a competent person like you will have reasons for that.
Now- would there be any way for you to consistently move your thoughts from him, when they wander to him and his problems, to yourself and your safety, your plans, your next step towards healthy living? Don't waste any more energy on him. You have wasted far too much already. Now it's time to focus on how you can improve your life, your safety, your well being. Is there a neighborhood watch in your area? Can you make neighbors aware that your partner might cause you harm? If the police don't help, are there security firms that do?
You have been to the DV shelter. Did they offer support groups for yourself and your kid? You do need people who understand. Not everyone does.
Sending you a big hug!

Yes, I am in complete trauma mode. About the time I try to distract myself, something else happens. For example, this past Saturday when I picked her up, I asked if he needed me to drop her off, or if he would bike / walk to pick her up. (His car wasn't working). He said, Nevermind! I can't do it, I can't afford to feed her... and went off on one of his depression / angry vents about politics and how no one listens to him and ended by talking about our previous court and how I didn't listen to him either, and I took dd away from him, and told the courts I threatened family suicide, because he said, "WE WERE A UNIT!!" Yikes. I said that it wasn't appropriate for dd to hear all this, and we were leaving. Sunday comes and he texts me that even though he couldn't take her for the day, he wanted to go for a walk with her. She was sleeping still, and I let him know she was still sleeping. He came to my house anyway, and hung out on my porch. I was working on a personal project and chatting with someone over zoom, and missed all of this until it was over. But, he had left after hanging out on my porch for two hours. Trigger! Then, on Wednesday, (last night) he called dd, and told her on her phone that he was in front of the house after fixing his car, and seeing if she wanted to hang out with him. (He never asked or tried to make a plan with me).

While I am trying to focus on myself, he keeps showing up. No neighborhood watch. I'm sure security firms would be out of my budget. No DV shelter assistance. That was ten years ago. We were seeing dv therapist and there was a child program for dv affected children, but while I can check in on that, I know the counselor I was seeing there left a long time ago. But, I am looking and they do still have services. I should check them out.

[firepoetry]

Go you! You've done a great job.  I agree with comments above, it's so easy to fall into the addicted to drama stuff or the constant hypervigilence.

What I'm about to say is often considered controversial. However I have lived for nearly 30 years post ex and happily remarried for 15. My daughter's are grown.
At first with my ex I tried very hard to get him to see his kids but he wouldn't. He thought having them would help me out and he wasn't going to do that.
When he did occasionally see them there was non stop parental alienation, dubious friends (my d's words), and a feeling of potentially things going wrong so that we had an exit strategy.

Both D's went NC, the oldest at 24. In hindsight despite the prevailing theories, children do not need two parents but they need one sane one. An insane parent who uses and threatens the kids is not required and does a lot of damage, often deliberately.

He said for you to have your daughter. Take him at his word and do not offer time with her, or anything that isnt absolutely necessary or court ordered. It's ok to be sad about it, your d probably will be too, but the end result is much better. I put a lot of effort into building a good peaceful home, with rules,with respect shown etc and it has paid off. Oldest was the golden child and she has some cptsd for which I'm very angry actually, but it could.have been so much worse.

Some poor parents are obliged to have their kids week about and spend the entire week trying to get their kids back onto an even keel, then off again. I don't know if I could have coped with that.

He's very dangerous having made those threats and your brain can see it. Take note as Gavin de Becker says.

I don't think this is controversial at all. I am weighing my daughter's desire to see him with my own judgment. I wish he would leave, and he's been given permission to do so by her therapist.

Go you! You've done a great job.  I agree with comments above, it's so easy to fall into the addicted to drama stuff or the constant hypervigilence.

What I'm about to say is often considered controversial. However I have lived for nearly 30 years post ex and happily remarried for 15. My daughter's are grown.
At first with my ex I tried very hard to get him to see his kids but he wouldn't. He thought having them would help me out and he wasn't going to do that.
When he did occasionally see them there was non stop parental alienation, dubious friends (my d's words), and a feeling of potentially things going wrong so that we had an exit strategy.

Both D's went NC, the oldest at 24. In hindsight despite the prevailing theories, children do not need two parents but they need one sane one. An insane parent who uses and threatens the kids is not required and does a lot of damage, often deliberately.

He said for you to have your daughter. Take him at his word and do not offer time with her, or anything that isnt absolutely necessary or court ordered. It's ok to be sad about it, your d probably will be too, but the end result is much better. I put a lot of effort into building a good peaceful home, with rules,with respect shown etc and it has paid off. Oldest was the golden child and she has some cptsd for which I'm very angry actually, but it could.have been so much worse.

Some poor parents are obliged to have their kids week about and spend the entire week trying to get their kids back onto an even keel, then off again. I don't know if I could have coped with that.

He's very dangerous having made those threats and your brain can see it. Take note as Gavin de Becker says.

I don't think this is controversial at all. I am weighing my daughter's desire to see him with my own judgment. I wish he would leave, and he's been given permission to do so by her therapist.

And, I'm not sad about it. I'm sad for her, but he's scary and toxic right now. If he could get better, that'd great and ideal for dd, but if not, I'm not sad to see him leave our life.

But, yes, I'm so glad that we don't have a week on / week off schedule. We aren't actually going by the court order. The court order was not okay for either of us, because he would get her on Sundays 10am-7pm, after school till 9pm on Mondays and Tuesdays. He was never able to bring her home on time. So, now he sees her on Saturdays / Sundays during the day. But, as mentioned, he's basically stalking my house. I'll completely believe him when he says, keep her.

[firepoetry]

Update.

So, I guess I'm right back to where I was. I spoke to the CPS worker to run by her the issues he is having. She says, because of all the work I'm doing to protect my daughter (getting her a phone, picking her up when she calls me, etc.) that my child is not in danger. In other words, if I didn't do those things, CPS could do something, and in the process, I might be held for neglect. I can see now the logic that CPS workers use to charge victims of domestic violence as neglectful of their children and take them away from them.

I contacted my old agency from ten years ago. Things have changed a bit. They don't really see people in my county any more, because they are in the next county over. So, she is going to try to link me with a DV counselor, but they may just refer me to the dv counselor I had before who preemptively closed my case. Although since then I've gathered evidence of stalking, which this counselor sounded very concerned about, as well as all the other things I told her, the dv counselor I had before was extremely triggering to talk to. He downgraded my experiences and made me feel like I was just making everything up. My old agency also connected me to another non-profit agency in my area, but they primarily help people after there is already physical violence. Since my xN has never been documented to have committed a violent crime, and because absent from threatening to kill me years ago, hasn't made any other threats, she basically stated that anything I do will only escalate the situation and since there is no police response in my neighborhood, that any order of protection won't really be enforceable. She also said that calling the police for 'trespassing' isn't a high level call, and will likely only kick the hornets nest.

I guess my problem, is I'm not trying to take an active role in escalating the situation. I don't want to make the situation more dangerous for me or my daughter. The CPS social worker said that I'm the intervention. If I don't want my dd to go because I'm concerned that there is a mental health or danger / safety issue, then I'm the one who says. But, I have no backup. And, they expect a 120 pound woman to stand up to a 350 pound man without any backup. 

Anyways. I can plan to move. But, he'll likely find me. My daughter could be the one to let it slip in a visit, or he may pressure / threaten to tell her to tell him the address. I feel pretty hopeless at this point. I'd like to have a faith in that which I do not know in the large world around me, that something may happen to change the situation, but I'm not very good in having faith.