Hello

[Goingtobeokay]

Hello I just found this website through Reddit .

I was discarded by my now ex wife, a couple of years ago. It was right after a long medical crisis which I went through with her . She needed surgery , everything worked out , and right when the doctor said he wasn't worried anymore and I imagined life would begin to go back to normal , she suddenly left me .

That left me feeling as any of you would imagine , and I went through a long lonely depression .

In that state I met the person I'm
In a relationship with now. She matches a lot of the descriptions I've read about BPD but hasn't been diagnosed . She won't go to even doctors let alone therapy .

As we've all experienced, the relationship seemed like just what I'd been missing all these years . After all the loneliness , here was someone who cared. She always wanted to talk , to spend time together . It seemed like what I needed to feel better .

Until the first conflict happened , which made zero sense to me . And since then I've been on the familiar rollercoaster so many others write about in places like BPD Loved Ones on Reddit .

I'm very much at a loss for what to do. She has threatened suicide when I tried to leave . But daily life is just okay enough to not be so obvious to my nervous system and subconscious mind to just get out no matter what .

You know how it goes . The fear of her response. The fear of being hoovered or stalked .

And honestly , the fear of going back to that intense loneliness I was living with before I met her .

I hope this is a kind place . Reddit usually resulted in my feeling even worse , as people who I thought would be the most understanding were actually very callous and unhelpful.

Again , I don't know if she has BPD, another PD, is just highly sensitive along with depression and anxiety .

She has the worst panic attacks I've ever seen. If I did end things , I don't even know how I'd do it . If she started having another panic attack or hyperventilating, I couldn't just walk out the door with that going on . And an ambulance ride only for a panic attack? What would be the point ?

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @Goingtobeokay,

I too ended up in a relationship with a uPD person after my first real adult relationship ended poorly so I can understand what you are sharing.  what I didn't know with my uPD ex was how hard it was going to be to break free of the cycle of abuse which lasted 6 years, and then it took me a couple more years working on ME to get my head right.

from what  you shared it sounds like the person you are in the relationship with is using the panic attacks/ threats of suicide to control/ keep you in the relationship and you are wise to tread into the idea of splitting up with caution.   there are several members posting about similar situations in the separating/divorcing part of the forum.
Separating and Divorcing

the one thing I wish I would have known about when I was with my ex was boundaries.  you may get some ideas about how to keep yourself from engaging directly with her when she says/ does certain things.  https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries

we're a pretty down to earth bunch of folks here and the forum is fairly heavily moderated too so hopefully it will not mirror your experience from other sites out there. 

be gentle with yourself today and when you are ready to share more, we're listening. 

[bloomie]

Goingtobeokay - adding another warm welcome to the group. The thing that you describe.. the atmosphere of risk and fear you describe you are living in reminds me of how the dysfunction and toxicity can overtake us and disrupt even our nervous systems.

What we come here to do is to encourage and empower one another to believe that we can create for ourselves a place of health and security in this world. And then we cheer each other on as we rebuild our foundations, face false beliefs, and come out of fear, obligation, and guilt.

Maybe for you a beginning place is to befriend yourself so that you enjoy being with you and remove the fear of not having someone (even a difficult someone) in your life?

This is a healing place and an equipping place. Make good use of the resources and join the conversations. It helps lighten a heavy load!