Mixed Up Feelings

[NBRiverGuy]

I have been seeing a therapist recently who told me yesterday that she believes that I have done all that I can to save my marriage and for my own health, leaving is probably best. I won't go into all of the details, but she basically thinks that uPDw has borderline pd and is possibly bi-polar to boot. Her behavior has become increasingly unpredictable and erratic over the past couple of months. Therapist and I started discussing exit strategies yesterday. On the way home, I felt a mixture of sadness and relief. W exploded on me for a couple of hours when I got home last night which intensified the feeling of relief that I was working on a resolution. I slept on the couch (or rather tossed and turned on the couch all night) and got heavy love-bombed this morning before leaving for work. Today, I'm feeling overwhelmed at the thought of wrestling this bear over the next few months. I'm also feeling deceitful that I have these thoughts in my head and I am not sharing them with her, even though I know that would be unwise. W constantly accuses me of being dishonest with her (which I'm not) and I'm feeling like this validates her accusations. Therapist also suggested that I let trusted loved ones in on what is going on. I want to call my mom and talk to her about it, but that is exacerbating this feeling that I am being duplicitous. Therapist straight up said to me yesterday, "From a mental health perspective, you are a stable individual and you have a rational decision-making process. I don't feel like you need my help in that regard. The only thing I can do is to try to help you with some coping strategies." I didn't really know what she meant at the time, but I'm starting to get it. I need some coping strategies.

This post is really just an exercise in articulating my feelings, but if anyone has any advice, experience, or insight, please share away.

[blunk]

I think this goes back to a previous post about the difference between silent treatment and NC. One is intended to punish or manipulate, the other is intended for self protection.

I believe it's the same with PDs lying or withholding information. A PD lies to get you to change your behavior and/or to do what they want you to. In your case, you are withholding information to protect yourself and your peace.

If you could have a calm and rational conversation with your wife, you would...and things probably would not have gotten to this point if that were at all possible.

[NBRiverGuy]

I think this goes back to a previous post about the difference between silent treatment and NC. One is intended to punish or manipulate, the other is intended for self protection.

I believe it's the same with PDs lying or withholding information. A PD lies to get you to change your behavior and/or to do what they want you to. In your case, you are withholding information to protect yourself and your peace.

If you could have a calm and rational conversation with your wife, you would...and things probably would not have gotten to this point if that were at all possible.

Thank you for that perspective. I've thought about that a lot. I wish I could just say, "I want a divorce," without having to worry about her hurting herself, hurting me, getting fired from her job, getting the cops called, etc. However, if she possessed that level of maturity, I probably wouldn't want a divorce.

[Rebel13]

Lots of good thoughts to you today! This is a very hard process. I have found that posts by Square and SonofThunder here have a lot of good suggestions on how to think about/deal with difficult relationships, especially on splitting up. I think if you click on a person's username you can get to a list of their posts? Anyway, best of luck negotiating this.

[NBRiverGuy]

I have found that posts by Square and SonofThunder here have a lot of good suggestions on how to think about/deal with difficult relationships, especially on splitting up.

100 percent agree with you on Square and SonofThunder, but don't sell yourself short. Your understanding, advice and post history have helped me out plenty over the past couple of weeks.

[square]

On the way home, I felt a mixture of sadness and relief. W exploded on me for a couple of hours when I got home last night which intensified the feeling of relief that I was working on a resolution.

Yeah. Totally makes sense. Of course you're relieved; you've been heard, you're not crazy, and you've got the power to change things. Of course you're sad; you're looking into leaving your wife, who you no doubt still love and certainly did love at some point. You're facing that the dreams you had of life with her have died.

I remember at some point I truly "gave up" in my mind, gave up hope. And the blowups hit different then. They were still stressful but a bit less so. It felt more like, sigh, this again. Because I'd already started detaching.

I slept on the couch (or rather tossed and turned on the couch all night) and got heavy love-bombed this morning before leaving for work.

And that hits different too. "This again." Still a little relief that you're not getting yelled at right now, but no more "oh, everything is going to be okay now." Just "well, I guess this is the card I drew for this morning."

I'm also feeling deceitful that I have these thoughts in my head and I am not sharing them with her, even though I know that would be unwise.

Okay, listen up. So you know this is the twisted programming PDs put in our minds. I'm sure they genuinely believe it; it's about their victimhood. Here are some words for you to say in your head and possibly out loud someday:

"Nope, I'm gonna stop you right there. I've asked to try to fix this until it was clear nothing would change. At that point, I was done."

"That's right, the marriage is over, I'm no longer sharing my thoughts and feelings and plans with you. That's what a marriage being over IS."

"I won't apologize for getting my ducks in a row like pretty much EVERYONE who leaves a spouse does."

"I let you know as soon as I could."

"Those accusations of 'sneaking around' is part of why I'm leaving."

I want to call my mom and talk to her about it, but that is exacerbating this feeling that I am being duplicitous.

Shrug. Your mom supposedly "hates" her anyway, right? What difference does it make? If your own mother can't be on your side, who can? Too bad, talk to your mom.

Getting support from your mom is not the same as a smear campaign. It's just private support from your mom.

Therapist straight up said to me yesterday, "From a mental health perspective, you are a stable individual and you have a rational decision-making process. I don't feel like you need my help in that regard. The only thing I can do is to try to help you with some coping strategies." I didn't really know what she meant at the time, but I'm starting to get it. I need some coping strategies.

And a plan.

[NBRiverGuy]

And that hits different too. "This again." Still a little relief that you're not getting yelled at right now, but no more "oh, everything is going to be okay now." Just "well, I guess this is the card I drew for this morning."

You have such a gift with words. That summed up my feelings perfectly yesterday. I went to the couch the night before because I literally couldn't sleep over her reminding me every five minutes what a selfish person I was and how everything is always about me. Seven hours later, I'm the only one for her and she knows how lucky she is to have me. I'm just thinking "All right! Ace of Spades. Shower, dress, feed the dogs and leave for work before she changes her mind again."

[MaxedOut]

I love Square's list. I struggle with some of what you mention, and have to remind myself: (1) I have been more explicit about behaviors, including some very specific things in the past year that fell into the "know I tried my best" category, and while she sometimes tries to moderate behavior, there isn't true concern about what I've gone through, what abuse does, desire to hear more, etc.(more often it's stuff like "I can't deal with your bullshit" "I feel like I am walking on eggshells because I can't express anger"); (2) SO has proven to not be an emotionally safe person to share things with when they have anything to do with relationship issues (not that she is consistenly unsupporting/reactive but certainly is more often than not and often extremely so); (3) The reassurances she asks about me/us/the future are never along the lines of "I want to make sure you feel..." or "What are things I can do to..." "How are you feeling about..." or "I want us to have a strong relationship..." - it is about her fears, her needs, her control; (4) The good times/gentle days/laughs would not be part of our relationship if I were not doing major heavy lifting to avoid stuff, adapt, soothe, be agreeable, etc.; (5) The reactivity and jump to assumptions/accusations has gotten quicker and more calcified over time; (6) It would be unsafe (emotionally, at the least) to open up about where I am at; (7) If they cared about (or were capable of) mutuality, changing, stopping maladaptive relationship behaviors they would have done it already-and whether choice or capability, the result is the same.

And I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it.

I just looked in old emails to check on something. It was over 10 years ago that I signed us up for a workshop afternoon on nonviolent communication (not about physical violence or anything, just functional communication). SO agreed to go, somewhat to my surprise, then we left after a few minutes because she intensly disliked the facilitator and it "sounds like bullshit". I now see that episode for what it was, consciously or subconsciously.

I have not been the most open person about problems in relationships prior to this one, so I doubt myself a lot on that front when it comes to leaving. But when I think through things there actually has been a lot *and* valid reasons not to lift things based on the reactions.

[NBRiverGuy]

SO has proven to not be an emotionally safe person to share things with when they have anything to do with relationship issues (not that she is consistenly unsupporting/reactive but certainly is more often than not and often extremely so)

Same. Anytime I show any emotional vulnerability and open up about something, especially from my past, it is used as ammunition at some point. For example, early in our relationship, we were in that heavy bonding stage and I shared with her that I played baseball throughout high school, but I would have rather done something in the arts. But, because baseball was important to my parents, I chose to stick with it. Just an insignificant little "here's something that I regret and I've never shared, but because I'm feeling so close to you, I want to share it with you." Well she held on to that little nugget for about five years before she tossed in my mom's face. "You know he didn't even like baseball. He only played to please you." I made that mistake way too many times over the years. Since about 2022, I haven't told her anything that I wouldn't say on the nightly news.