Not really new, but

[Liketheducks]

Received the out-of-the-blue health scare call from the NPD's father and his wife yesterday.   

1. I'm the only family member who will take his calls.   I have to ground myself and work up to the conversation and try to keep it as short and positive for me as possible.   My mother and he are divorced.   I have no relationship with his wife.   One sibling ended his life nearly a year ago, in no small part driven by our enormous childhood trauma.   My other sibling won't take anyone's calls.   I get it.   Our FOO is an epic $hit-storm.

2. He really sounds weak.   He's afraid he won't survive the upcoming surgery.  That being said, I have to wonder why a doctor would schedule a surgery at all if the prognosis is that grim.  Or, why he would agree to it. 

3. This could all be a fabrication for attention.  That HAS happened in the past.

4. I just feel numb.   I don't feel like I'm going to be grieving a relationship that is no longer a part of my life.   I grieved that so long ago.   I don't want to see him.   Being in contact makes it hard for me to keep my anxiety at bay.  It becomes difficult to remember I'm no longer the child he abused.   I take the calls (literally only 4 this year) to be kind, but that is the extent of what I'm capable of with him.  When he starts spouting the usual stuff, I suddenly have to leave the call.   It makes me sad for the relationship we should have had AND makes me question whether I should have any involvement or should be doing more. 

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry you have to go through this!  

When I find it too hard to have direct contact, I resort to written contact. If you write to your dad that you wish him well - if that is what you want to do - you don't need to fear his spouting. you can express kindness without putting yourself into the danger zone. Tends to work for me.

Wishing you strength!

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Liketheducks,

It could be exaggerated, its good you are keeping that in mind. My NPD parent fabricated some epic lies about health scares, and had no problem doing so to see if it would rile me up.

These phone calls out of the blue really suck for us.

It can stir up so much sh!t for us. Give yourself a few days (or however long is needed) to continue to lovingly remind yourself you are not that child anymore. Like you wrote, you're not a child - but honestly it can take a few days for the body to come back down after the NPD parent does this sort of drive-by hit for supply from us.

It sounds like you did what most of us do at that point in the relationship. We give them the phone call, we know what's going on (supply seeking from us) and we don't let it go on too long, for our own sanity. So you did the same thing I have done (many times), and I bet others here have done. For years, I would have these phone calls and it would affect me a lot for the next 3 days.

Coming back into yourself and putting the phone call "behind you" may take a few days. I got a drive by attempt at supply a few months ago and it took me a few days to settle back to myself. Those drive by's will always affect me to some degree I think. The parent represents the person who was supposed to do all sorts of things they didn't do. I often ground myself by listening to some good youtube videos on narcissism, to remind myself of how I'm not alone in having to deal with being born to a person who is truly incapable of being a parent.

Trees