Thanksgiving

[wisingup]

I have a bit of a dilemma regarding Thanksgiving this year.  uBPD Mom lives in assisted living very near my brother & normally he and his wife would bring mom with them to my house where we host a large gathering every year.

This year, brother and wife aren't coming.  Without going into detail, they have been dealing with a heart-breaking situation with one of their kids as well as their own health issues and simply want to bunker down over their week off.  They aren't up to the one hour each way ride with my mom, or a large gregarious gathering.  I totally understand & support them.  I let them know they are welcome to change their minds up to the last minute & come down.

Assuming they aren't coming, however, leaves the issue of how mom will get here.  There's really no way I can put on an event like this and also do the two 2-hour round trips required to get mom here & home again.  She cannot stay her overnight as we have a full house already with out of town guests & also have no bedrooms on the first floor.  She is too frail and behaviorally unpredictable to put in an Uber.  I don't want to ask my husband or kids to do it, as they would lose out on the very limited time we have to spend with the guests who are crossing the country or driving long distances to attend.

My best option seems to be that she simply doesn't attend the gathering, but husband, kids & I head up the next day to take her out.  She will be VERY upset.  She doesn't know about the situation with my brother's son, for good reason, & wouldn't accept that as a good reason for her to miss Thanksgiving anyway. 

I think I'm OK accepting that she will be sad and upset.  I don't see another way that doesn't ruin someone else's day. Any thoughts?

[Rebel13]

Sounds like you have it figured out! As I said in another thread, I get frustrated with the way some people focus on celebrations on THE DAY rather than on WHAT is being celebrated -- love, affection, family connections, spirituality, gratitude, etc. I think sharing the latter with loved ones is much more important than WHEN that sharing actually occurs. I know most self-absorbed people don't think of it like that though.

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with Rebel13. IMO, the fact that you're willing to spend any time with your uBPD parent illustrates that you'll be doing more than enough for her for this holiday.

[bloomie]

wisingup - how incredibly supportive to be understanding and discreet toward your brother and sil at a difficult time for their family! Game over! You win!

On a practical note... you and your family are very generous to travel the day after hosting a large family gathering to your mom to make time for her over a busy weekend.

Your mom gets to choose her response or reaction to a holiday tradition changing. She can be flexible and appreciative or she can

be sad and upset

.

Her emotions. Her responsibility. We can be empathetic and compassionate toward another's disappointment, but we come Out of the FOG to remember that we are each responsible to manage our emotions and work through disappointments and difficult changes and find the good and valuable in the middle of it.

If your mom has the technology, you could ask one of your children to face time or call her and pass the phone to greet her the day of and then see her in person the next day.(if you want to)

You've got this!

[wisingup]

Thanks everyone!  We will move forward with our Thanksgiving plans, hoping brother & wife change their mind, but assuming that we will go up the following day.  Next step - inform mom.  Wish me luck!

[bloomie]

Wishing you so much luck!

[NarcKiddo]

Good luck!