Peace>$

[clarityneeded]

Our 18-year anniversary was at the end of June except the week prior I said the words I never thought I would work up the courage to say - I WANT A DIVORCE! With that, the petition has been filed and the divorce is in motion.

The day I told him, I emphasized I wanted to put our kids in the CENTER of us and not the middle and that I didn't want to screw him over financially. In fact, I am going to be close to financially ruined after this as he has not worked in nearly two years and I have been the primary earner turned sole breadwinner. I think he's realized that nothing he says or does will change my course. The words I feared saying for so long, the mountain I thought I could never climb...I realized it was me holding the keys to an invisible cage that only I could unlock. I reached around and set myself free.

I never thought it would happen but the day I told him I wanted a divorce we sat down together with our kids. We talked openly and honestly. I will always be thankful to him for that.

I am about to present him with the separation agreement where I will pay him thousands per month for years (no exaggeration) as well as 50/50 custody of the kids. In addition, I am going to give him my equity in the house and pay off his credit card debt. I have so much anxiety giving this to him even though I'm getting financially screwed in the deal. This is literally negotiating with a terrorist.

I know I am not putting too much of a fight when it comes to money and assets, but I've realized my peace is so much more. I can always earn more money. I can always build again. I am retraumatized every time I step foot into this house. I cannot wait to have a home I feel at peace to come home and that will soon be within reach.

I am still waiting for the shoe to drop and will not let my guard down. Surely, it can't be this easy after the years of abuse and trauma. I'm carrying on.

To anyone who reads, I've been struggling with this for so many years. Trauma bonds, love bombing, and the cycle of those are so real. Please realize you too have the keys to unlock your invisible cage.

[bloomie]

The words I feared saying for so long, the mountain I thought I could never climb...I realized it was me holding the keys to an invisible cage that only I could unlock. I reached around and set myself free.

clairityneeded - this is such an empowered statement! You have taken courageous steps, and while I know there are many hurdles ahead, you are heading to renewal and healing. Sending you the strength of lions and continued focus on the goal of keeping yourself and the kiddos protected and safe as you negotiate the details.

I hope as you come back and share along the way you will be encouraged and know you are supported here.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Your title rings so true. Peace is greater than any price. Sometimes when we get to a certain point of being so immersed in life with a PD, we are paying a huge price by staying and the cost is to our mind, soul, and body.     
   
You stated "I've realized my peace is so much more. I can always earn more money. I can always build again. I am retraumatized every time I step foot into this house. I cannot wait to have a home I feel at peace to come home and that will soon be within reach." Having a home that is safe and peaceful is priceless.

Your strength and resilience are shining through. I agree we hold to key to that which we seek. I join Bloomie in sending you the strength of lions on your healing journey.   

[IsleOfSong]

This is very inspiring, clarityneeded. Thank you for sharing your success story!

I have my 25-year wedding anniversary coming up, and my hope is to get through that milestone and then get serious about exiting my ill-fitting marriage. I've known that I've had the keys to my cage for a long time now, but I grew up utilizing the "freeze response" to get through stressful situations, and it's never really left me, so I've stayed stuck with my emotionally explosive spouse for way too long. I'm working with a therapist to untangle all of that and redirect my thoughts so that I too can unlock my cage. Maybe your example will help get me over the hump and on to a new chapter of my life.

Keep posting!

[newlyawakened]

You are courageous and inspiring, clarityneeded. Now that you have set things in motion, be brave as you work through it and work with your lawyer to ensure you have some financial security when you come out of this on the other end.

I am in a similar boat and hope to get courage like you soon. I daydream about the freedom that waits ahead.

[notrightinthehead]

Clarity, I do hope you have good, reliable, legal advice on your side. Do you have a safe place where you can go to? Have you left the home you share with him yet? Give yourself some time before you make such expensive decisions that will commit yourself financially for years to supporting an individual that has done you so much harm. Get some distance first. You know now that you have the key to your freedom. Now use it and remove yourself to a safe place where you can slowly re-gain clarity of mind.

[escapingman]

Clarity, when I went through my divorce with uPDxw she asked for thousands of pounds a month in maintenance. I could have accepted that and finalise the divorce quick. However, I had already got a court order for no contact between us so keeping the distance and all communications through lawyers made it less of a rush. She played the game and kept asking for a lot more than I could afford, she kept lowering her sum but just by a small bit every time. Then suddenly one day she accepted my offer, which was for about 10% of her initial demands. Had I accepted the initial demands from her I would be living on the streets now. I suggest you work with your lawyer and get as much as you can and pay as little as possible. It will be a hard fight now, but there is no reason for you to give more than needed, think of your future life PD free.

I know how hard it is and how you just want it to end, good luck and please don't lose track of the end goal.

[clarityneeded]

Update --

My divorce was final a little over a week ago and I am officially on the other side. It really is every emotion and sometimes I cannot believe I did it. I am preparing to move out of the home I've lived in since 2009 and have signed a lease on a new townhome.

Did I get the best deal? No, I know I didn't. However, I am at peace with it and I truly want to try to set him up for success and to be the best father he can be to our kids. It's now up to him to do that and his relationship with the kids is between him and them.

I really think when he realized I was done (over two years ago), he intentionally stopped working which put me at an extreme disadvantage financially. If you are considering divorce and your partner does this, pull the trigger.

My advice in hindsight:

1. Just remember you hold the keys to your invisible cage and only you have the power to unlock it.

2. Find a lawyer who is trauma informed. I really made a mistake with my attorney. She was mocking, belittling, and did not understand abuse. I asked her recently if she understood high conflict personalities and she said, "Isn't everyone high conflict?" Enough said... Interview at least three attorneys and make sure they truly understand high conflict personalities/abuse.

3. Set deadlines and boundaries and stick to them. He used every trick to stall and manipulate the process. Go to mediation, even if you have an attorney, early in the process. I wasted $1000s because of his tactics.

4. Remember to keep your kids in the center of you and not in the middle of you. I said this to him early and often and for the most part, it has worked.

5. Don't ever react or get angry at their tactics. I use gray rock so much I might turn into a rock.

6. If you ever google or ask your friends if something is abuse, it is!

6. Come to this forum often. Read the toolbox often. I found this wonderful resource in 2015 after my world was turned upside down by his actions and never left.

We had this art piece with two birds that said forever and ever in our bedroom. I took it down yesterday. Behind it, there was a message for me that he wrote. "Forever, so long as I continued to out-earn you. I gave you everything, asked for nothing."

I won't react to that. The fact is, I've out-earned him since 2011 and I was fine with that. How about forever, so long as:

-I'm treated with dignity and respect
-I am not neglected
-I'm not abused emotionally, mentally, verbally, sexually, and physically
-I can communicate my thoughts, feelings, and needs without fear of retaliation
-I feel safe

As far as the everything he gave me, how about years and years of trauma that I have not yet begun to start fully unpacking.

Love should not hurt. You should feel safe, happy, and relieved to come home and it should be your safe haven.

Tomorrow, I sign the lease to my safe haven and my new chapter will officially begin.

[MaxedOut]

Happy for you Clarityneeded! Thank you for taking the time to post advice.

[escapingman]

We had this art piece with two birds that said forever and ever in our bedroom. I took it down yesterday. Behind it, there was a message for me that he wrote. "Forever, so long as I continued to out-earn you. I gave you everything, asked for nothing."

Well done Clarity, so happy for you. To quote your above text, the emotional abuse is the worst. When you get to realise what it is that's when you can break free. Towards the end my uPDxw locked her self in the living room for a week giving me and the children the silent treatment. In the very end of this week she left me a letter accusing me of having fun laughing with the kids in the garden whilst pushing a stick through her hearth. I caved on that one, but would never again.

[NBRiverGuy]

In the very end of this week she left me a letter accusing me of having fun laughing with the kids in the garden whilst pushing a stick through her hearth.

They like the dagger/stick/knife through the heart metaphor. I get that one at least once a week, usually accompanied by a dramatic pantomime.

[Rebel13]

Love should not hurt. You should feel safe, happy, and relieved to come home and it should be your safe haven.

This right here.  We all need this embroidered on a pillow or printed on a t-shirt or written on the back of our hands.

[bloomie]

clarityneeded - grateful you are on the other side of things and rebuilding your life and safe haven. BRAVO!!!

Thank you for the update and the words of wisdom and unique insights!

[NBRiverGuy]

To anyone who reads, I've been struggling with this for so many years. Trauma bonds, love bombing, and the cycle of those are so real. Please realize you too have the keys to unlock your invisible cage.

So real! As a man who was raised in a more "traditional" time, it's been very hard for me to accept the fact that I am the victim of a long cycle of emotional abuse, but I'm coming around. Thanks for the encouragement.

[NBRiverGuy]

I really think when he realized I was done (over two years ago), he intentionally stopped working which put me at an extreme disadvantage financially. If you are considering divorce and your partner does this, pull the trigger.

This is so insightful. I think my uPDw senses trouble on the horizon and she is beginning to sabotage her own career. She's ramping up the narrative about how they don't appreciate her, she is being taken advantage of, and she is going to confront her boss about it. She gets herself fired. I have to jump in as the rescuer.