Betrayal of trust and concern for my sis

[Peace Lily]

Now my sister and I have had our ups and downs, but have always got on as teenagers and then adults. We supported each other through hard times with the parents and other dysfunctional FOO members. I first came on this forum when my niece, her daughter who has diagnosed BPD cut me off and lied to my own parents about me. My sister knew what my niece was like and stood by me, in fact we grew a lot closer at this point as she, being the family scapegoat, found it very validating when I finally woke up and got some counselling which revealed to me the family dysfunction.

I recently posted on the Elderly family members board about my parents and their wills (I won't repeat that part), my parents had recieved a letter from my sister asking to meet after 15 years of NC. My parents showed no inclination to see her (the letter was from last July) and said they thought she was after their money. Now my sister has told me she went to see them and it went well because my niece had told them they had to see her, I suspect that she used her own children as a threat (ie that my parents would not get to see them anymore) as this is what she usually does. My Mother has continued to send me texts, but has not mentioned her "big news" about my sister visiting.

I was worried for my sister because she is not in the best of health or mentally strong, and as my parents appear to have been forced into this, it could go pear shaped at any moment. My sister is confrontational normally with my parents.

Fastforwards another week and I have now discovered that my sister is talking to my niece every day. I already know that she is planning to move near her and I fear they are becoming enmeshed /codependent. I am scared as I have confided in my sister and had not realised how close she was getting to her daughter again. What do they talk about? She has certainly passed on the information I have told her about my parents. I do believe (and other FOO agree with me on this) that my niece is after my parents' money as she knows how frail they are and now she has heard they have not made a will. As she already poisoned my relationship with my parents with big lies, which they have believed without question, and she is the only other relative that sees them apart from me, she maybe thought that she was the only beneficiary of their wills. Now she is having to take action. She is bringing my sister in and trying to freeze me out.

Now I have previously posted that I don't want any money, and I don't need any money from my parents. I thought they had a will I had been written out of and I had got over that years ago. I only see them to make sure they are OK and I am prepared to step in in an emergency. I keep a safe distance and keep to safe topics of conversation. It works. Now however, I am worried what is going on? Where does this leave me? Logically this frees me up if there are more people caring for my parents and My Mum will have other people to message. Why do I find it so worrying and upsetting then.

I also feel that I can no longer confide in my sister and my relationship with her will be affected negatively. I really don't want the niece I am NC with hearing anything about my life. I am sure that she would be only to happy to discredit me in front of my parents - I would be giving her ammunition. I also am now doubly worried for my sister as she has now opened herself up to being hurt again by my niece. She has been SERIUOSLY hurt in the past. Has she been hoovered?
I feel a strong compulsion from somewhere to 1. tell my parents what I think is going on 2. Have a discussion with my sister about her betrayal of my trust and the dangers of getting close to my niece. However, another part of me feels this is a very bad idea!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

What a tangle, Peace Lily!  I'm not sure how your parents are doing cognitively, but if they are not competent, a new will should be out of the question.  That doesn't mean people don't trot someone off to the bank to sign over things they're not legally able to sign over.  It does happen.  What are your hesitancies about warning your parents?  Is there harm that might come from that?

Wouldn't it be nice if we could protect enablers from being taken in?  I've decided for myself that's a lost cause.  In my case I believe trying to dissuade them makes me a less likely person for them to come to if they do start questioning things.  But maybe that's not true for you two. 

I hope you get some clarity and some peace!

[JR]

dear peacelilly first off i want to congratulate you on going NC with your toxic family and not having to depend on them financially and for anything else, this is highly commendable being the scapegoat(i am one too). Seems to me your Sis's daughter is trying to drive a wedge between you and your sis for financial gain and possible supply source at the same time and cut you off from being a support system for her, these are the norms for narcs tactics i have this in my family too and have'nt really figured out how to deal with or combat it if there is in fact anyway you can, other than just coming clean with your sis and discuss to her what you think her daughters dubious reasons for recontacting her really is all about, it might not go well but you gave it a best shot to inform her, since your sis knows and acknowledges the narcissism inside your family and stood with you recently and mended some fences, maybe she needs a little wake up call about her daughter lying about you to the parents, and if she does that lying to her own mother is no problem with these people, i've seen this lying in my own family too about things that never happened and causes all kinds of turmoil, like a bull in a china shop can turn a family into.