Waif to Queen

[strivingfornormal]

Took my Mom out for dinnrr for her birthday, to a nice but raxed restaurant. Ordered steak and fries, and asked for ketchup. She lectured me on how you don't ask for ketchup at a fsncy restaurant. I know this, but the section of the restaurant we were in was nkt the fancy part. She took on a different posturing to normal and looked condescending and arrogant. Usually plays waif including how she moves and speaks. Realised I can't spend more than 2 dats with her without packing myself sway and freezing. I shut myself in my room when we come back to the house (ny house) and fall asleep as am so drained by her company. Can be around her less the more time I spend with her. She grows and I shrink. Fighting so hard to stay in grey rock. Invited her to stay for her birthday but have completely blocked out all my own needs and eveb my to do list with her here. She is critical; won't be told anything, unempathetic. In public sone loud noise was bothering me but she wouldn't move. Elderly Mom now with physical ailments but I still manage to freeze. 

[Rebel13]

Hi striving, your story made me think of this scene in "Miss Congeniality" --  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCmebXwSW8M

Maybe some comic relief might help? There's a lot here though!

1. It's fine to order ketchup with your steak and fries!
2. Sandra Bullock has the confidence to be her unselfconscious self and push back when Michael Caine is being a critical jerk to her.
3. Michael Caine is being a critical jerk because of his OWN feelings of inadequacy and failure over his career.

Since you are not trying to get into a beauty pageant (I assume), you can say "Thanks for your input!" and eat what and how you like! Your mom's stuff is her stuff! You get to do you! I'm glad you are taking a break and getting some rest and space for yourself to recover from the stress of her behavior.

[strivingfornormal]

What made me angry was when the ketchup arrived, she wanted some of it. I said jokingly ''no you said I can't have ketchup with my meal so you obviously don't want any'' and she was annoyed that I wouldn't let her have any (I did of course). Very obvious shift though from Waif to Queen in that environment, very interesting and obvious superior attitude.

[bloomie]

strivingfornormal - it is fascinating to see someone shape shift right before your eyes, isn't it? Haughty and superior and back to needy and powerless...

I don't know if you have ever read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, but I found it so helpful with interactions like you describe in mitigating the aftermath of another's rude and perplexing behavior. The agreements are:

Be impeccable with your word.
Don't take anything personally.
Don't make assumptions.
Always do your best.

It is important to note that these aren't agreement with others - they are agreements you make with and for yourself.  Boundaries, if you will.

Here is a book review that goes a bit into more detail:
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=62553.msg550916#msg550916

A few years ago, I decided to dedicate myself to living an entire year refusing to take offense in hopes this would become an innate way of being in the world.

Even when something was offensive and personally directed, I refused to take it personally. That doesn't mean I ignored it or didn't process another's rude or disordered behavior, but by removing the personal offense piece of it, I began to emotionally distance myself from the words and actions of others that allowed room to respond, or not respond, from a settled, more confident place.

It gave me enough distance to observe and see that another's rudeness, or snarky remark, often in the face of the kindness I was showing, was a ridiculous, powerless attempt to elevate themselves. And it gave me enough room to decide if I wanted to ever repeat the offers I was making with this person. 

There are some people I have had years of interactions like you describe with, who when offered kindness and thoughtful gestures seem to experience it as me putting myself in a step up position and them in a step down.

One family member in particular had a transactional view of relationships. So, uncomfortable when they were on the receiving end of a something they would not, or could not, do themselves, they fought to regain the upper hand by nit picking, pouting, withdrawing, comparison to themselves or another person who 'did it right', and so on.

I am definitely not perfect in this and this doesn't remove the sting of the words of your mother, but for me, it offered a more productive way to process it all and make better decisions in when and how I engage going forward with someone with these behaviors.