Going to therapy ONLY if I promise to stay

[Dogdaze]

Hello,

I am newly coming Out of the FOG.  However, I am finding that my H is responding to the initial boundaries I have set around space (I am sleeping in another room now) and finances (he has agreed to be responsible for his own money - after 10 years).  So that is a start - although I have no illusions that a week is any indication of permanent change.

His motivation seems to be fear and he is very depressed.  While every sympathetic bell in my caregiving brain goes off, I continue to feel manipulated by his passive aggressive statements around "if you leave me, I will just hurt myself."  We spoke about his reaching out to seek help from professionals.  I gave him a few suggestions and was very happy to hear that he had also done some legwork to understand costs etc.

My question to the community is the following:  my H keeps saying that he is ONLY doing all this for "us" and that if there is no hope of "us" then there is no point in him helping himself.  On the one hand, unless there is a dramatic change in his behaviors, I know that I deserve better than "us".   On the other hand, I am only a few weeks into articulating my needs in the relationship which isn't much time for anyone to shift gears. 

Ultimately I want to surround myself with people who love and respect themselves and who inspire me to be my best self rather than victims who cling to me for their validation.

Does anyone have thoughts about how to set a boundary around this type of behavior?  Am I jumping the gun and should I just give his willingness to go to therapy time? 

Thank you all as always!

[bloomie]

Dogdaze - I am sorry this sat for a bit without a response. This all seems very new for you and like you are taking good, healthy steps forward for yourself. It is important, in my own long marriage anyway, to be clear on what I am agreeing to and what I am not. Why that helps me is it draws the lines for me to stay within in any given situation.

Are you agreeing with your H that if he goes to therapy you will promise to stay with him? I'm sensing you are not. I would make that very clear to him, one time, and then follow through by staying in your own lane. I wouldn't repeat myself, get involved in his motivations (those are his to manage) or try to caretake his emotions (again, his to manage).

Is there a pressing reason to not give this a bit more time for each of you to find your footing in this change in the way you are relating and communicating with each other? Is it possible to begin detach with kindness and to care but not carry your H's burdens that are rightly his - his emotions, behavior, mental stresses, etc.

You are still able to acknowledge his difficulties and struggles, but not carry them and caretake him. And ultimately we both know that your H has to want this work that could potentially bring change and a newness to his life both individually and with you. He has to want to do the work just like you are doing and we have zero control over that. And that is very, very hard!

[MaxedOut]

Bloomie has great insight. I would add that a common thing for PDs is making things black and white, crisisy/catastrophy-ish, and turn convos we are trying to have about specific behaviors/boundaries into bigger contexts with FOG pressures points to make us back down and/or reassure.

Sometimes, bringing the convo back to the behavior/boundary and present tense helps. As a Bloomie mentions, good to clarify any assumptions.

The self harm and hopeless stuff is hard and something I had a lot of go-rounds with. Sometimes just saying it feels horrible and is not ok to say "if you do X, I'll hurt/kill myself" as a bit of a mirror.

As Bloomie indicated, we also have to do our own work on this to unlock from the belief we are responsible for someone else's self harm or for them not self-harming. That is incredibly harmful and kept me stuck a long time (and when staying, it needs to be free will not feeling like an emotional hostage).

I definitely had a few times where I said "I love you and care about you. I don't want you to hurt yourself. And I am not in control of that..."

The slow dawn part Bloomie mentions is important. This could be extinction burst stuff from your H since it sounds like a fair amount of change in a short period. Does it feel urgent to you to figure out the big questions?

To yourself, and maybe H, reminding of present tense issues may be helpful (I am not thinking into the future. I do know that I need these things now.).

It sounds like you aren't decided now about the future and that a major factor is having you needs/boundaries better met. Presuming you've gut checked yourself about that being true (not unconsciously detaching by proving to him or yourself that he can't meet needs) then know the changes will kick up a lot of dust at first (Stop Caretaking and Eggshells both mention this I think).

Part of creating healthier spaces is that we can't control others and figuring out what we can do with and for ourselves. It sounds like you are are partly thinking that way and partly maybe still attached to changing him. The detaching part Bloomie mentions is hard and radical acceptance is... itchy and feels unfair. But it works a lot better, empowers the self to make things better through one's own actions.

It's a hell of a mind shift for many of  us but one I really value. Though I did leave my marriage, that shift is something that helped a lot during and is perspective I carry into other relationships (including future romantic ones).