Codependency Recovery & Relationships

[sweet1987]

Hi all,
Hoping someone can relate. Struggling in my 3 year relationship right now and think it might actually be at its end.
I went through trauma in my past which also includes my PD mother who had allot of narc traits and I stayed home until 30 in this unhealthy enmeshed toxic relationship with her.
Codependently stuck and feeling responsinble for her feelings because of the emotional blackmail, control, and manipulation. Since I left 8 years ago have been in therapy, affirmations recovery groups, got so many self help books but really struggling with all what's left behind.
Growing up in that environment has really affected my ability to have a healthy relationship with myself and others. I people please, can be overbearing, try to control others, have terrible boundaries, fear rejection and abandonment and lose myself so much in a relationship that I have sense of self and become a chameleon trying to be what the other person wants. The awareness is helpful but painful. And it's probably going to take years to rewire my thinking. I just feel so damaged and get triggered so easily in my relationship the second I feel like I'm not being heard, seen or understood. It's like I'm so hypersensitive to any change and out fear ems up making situations worse because I overreact. It's so hard not to feel unloveable. I thought I could work on myself and be in a relationship as so much time has passed but now my partner seems to have had enough and in ways I can understand how it can be too much to deal with especially with my anxiety and depression and then I wonder do I have a PD or is this just learned behavior. I've tried so hard for 3 years and actioned almost everything my partner has had an issue with but it seems never ending and I don't even know what to trust anymore.

[Marianne]

I am not a healthy example. I do all the things you mention, but with my dad. And cannot get out of our contact because of the situation.

But your relationship does not sound healthy. To both. I cannot tell you to break up or not. That is completely your choice. But I do think it is not healthy.

Four thoughts.

1. I learned to change in less close relationships first. And stayed out of dating for many years.

In everything but the contact with dad, I know and express my boundaries now. My feelings. My likes and dislikes. And respect those of others. I recognise healthy and unhealthy behaviour better. And walk away or discuss it assertively if something is not okay. I can be myself and let the other be themselves. Im still different. But I'm okay with that. I have a self. Though still a very messy self of pieces weakly stitched together.

This took forever to learn. I practiced in a volunteering job. And with a few very trustworthy friends. And mental health staff.

I am happy. I grew up so weird, that in the past I darent even express what I wanted to drink. Without wondering what the other person expected. And fearing I'd hurt them. And they d get angry.

Now I'm fine in these other type relationships. As for boundaries and all.

Unless I'm terribly triggered and overwhelmed. Which is fine in more superficial relationships...because I can withdraw and regulate myself privately.

I can also have a few dates and be okay. But I would still not want a genuine relationship. Because I think this close a connection would be too difficult. I'm still a mess.

Im happy enough to have friends and acquaintances  where I dare be myself.

Maybe much later. It is much easier to practice outside a relationship first. IMHO.

I try to get away from my dad now. Being in an unhealthy close relationship of any kind, makes it near impossible to recover. Because you are all the time kicked back in trauma responses.

Do you already have situations where you can function healthier? Like friendship?

2. Your behaviour does not sound healthy. But you do have insight. Which makes change possible.

3. Your partner does not sound healthy either. I startled a bit that they are telling you what to change all the time, and you are changing everything to their likes.

I think your change should start from within you. From your values and how you want to be.

Then if you have a sense of self. You can from that core decide whether you adjust to your partner because they have a good point. Or you stick to how you are. And ask them to love you as you are.

Now it sounds like they hold the steering wheel of your recovery process. When you are the one to hold it.

Which is why I personally chose to stay out of a relationship until I had a strong enough self. And look for ways to distance from dad. To repair myself.

Do you love your partner (rather than be dependent)? What makes you stay?

[sweet1987]

I am not a healthy example. I do all the things you mention, but with my dad. And cannot get out of our contact because of the situation.

But your relationship does not sound healthy. To both. I cannot tell you to break up or not. That is completely your choice. But I do think it is not healthy.

Four thoughts.

1. I learned to change in less close relationships first. And stayed out of dating for many years.

In everything but the contact with dad, I know and express my boundaries now. My feelings. My likes and dislikes. And respect those of others. I recognise healthy and unhealthy behaviour better. And walk away or discuss it assertively if something is not okay. I can be myself and let the other be themselves. Im still different. But I'm okay with that. I have a self. Though still a very messy self of pieces weakly stitched together.

This took forever to learn. I practiced in a volunteering job. And with a few very trustworthy friends. And mental health staff.

I am happy. I grew up so weird, that in the past I darent even express what I wanted to drink. Without wondering what the other person expected. And fearing I'd hurt them. And they d get angry.

Now I'm fine in these other type relationships. As for boundaries and all.

Unless I'm terribly triggered and overwhelmed. Which is fine in more superficial relationships...because I can withdraw and regulate myself privately.

I can also have a few dates and be okay. But I would still not want a genuine relationship. Because I think this close a connection would be too difficult. I'm still a mess.

Im happy enough to have friends and acquaintances  where I dare be myself.

Maybe much later. It is much easier to practice outside a relationship first. IMHO.

I try to get away from my dad now. Being in an unhealthy close relationship of any kind, makes it near impossible to recover. Because you are all the time kicked back in trauma responses.

Do you already have situations where you can function healthier? Like friendship?

2. Your behaviour does not sound healthy. But you do have insight. Which makes change possible.

3. Your partner does not sound healthy either. I startled a bit that they are telling you what to change all the time, and you are changing everything to their likes.

I think your change should start from within you. From your values and how you want to be.

Then if you have a sense of self. You can from that core decide whether you adjust to your partner because they have a good point. Or you stick to how you are. And ask them to love you as you are.

Now it sounds like they hold the steering wheel of your recovery process. When you are the one to hold it.

Which is why I personally chose to stay out of a relationship until I had a strong enough self. And look for ways to distance from dad. To repair myself.

Do you love your partner (rather than be dependent)? What makes you stay?

Thank you so much for your reply and sharing your experience. I can definitely relate and some really good points. I do love my partner very much, I find that's always part of the conflict when codependent, how much is healthy love and how much is that unhealthy attachment. I stay because of how much I love her and all the good, but there is also a part of me that fears abandonment and being alone, so working through that as I know that can't be a reason to hold on. I agree with the learning how to have a relationship in a less close dynamic first. Relationships are definitely complicated! Hugs

[Marianne]

Thanks! If you love him and there is room to be yourself, by all means stay!

If you are not in a relationship, it's easier to start with something simpler. But a good relationship can also help one heal together.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi,

I kinda think it depends on what is happening between you and your partner that is causing conflict or upset. Have you talked to a therapist about what, in specific, is going on between you and your partner? Has your therapist been helpful to explore what is the main issue that has come up at this 3 year mark?

Trees