Adult daughter leaves me feeling totally broken

[britmac]

Hi. I posted this in the Welcome area, and a couple of replies from Admin people were very helpful. It's so good to know there are people who care and will offer support and suggestions.

Hi. I am a grandmother. I have struggled for years with children who tended to be selfish and inconsiderate, but I always told myself they would eventually grow up, and all but one did. A daughter has been on and off affectionate and caring then abusive and hateful for years. She baits. She plays manipulative games setting loved ones against each other. She blames. Nothing is her responsibility or due to her choices. She is always a victim and blaming someone - often me - for everything that is wrong in her life.
I have been in denial. I think deep down I knew she was a narcissist, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. Today, I read a lot about BPD and narcissism, and I can't deny it anymore. But my subconscious mind keeps screaming that it's not so; that she can be fixed somehow; that it must be my fault...
She does have a lot to contend with, but most of her problems are a result of her own foolish choices. And she does not try to be positive about anything, much less grateful for anything. She looks for things to be angry or sad about and she looks for ways to make other people feel bad.
Today she said the cruelest and most hateful words imaginable. I feel completely broken. I don't feel able to cut her off because she has a child who has a disability and I adore him and he loves to visit. She uses him as a weapon too, threatening to stop me seeing him if I displease her.
She is completely lacking in empathy. I have been ill and hospitalised recently and she did not even ask about my health, but she screamed at my husband when he told her - screamed that she had problems.

I am fortunate to have a loving partner and other loving children, but I don't feel able to talk to them about my feelings. They know what she is. They have been telling me for years. To them, the solution is simple. Just ignore her. Pretend she doesn't exist. I don't think I can do that, and they can't seem to understand why. I just don't know how to get past the feeling that somehow I must be to blame, and I should be doing something to fix her somehow.

A major issue I struggle with is that my daughter seems incapable of understanding that someone not agreeing with her opinions is not the same as them not respecting them. She becomes very angry and nasty and threatens to cause me hurt if I don't agree with her opinions, and if I say I agree (which I find impossible to do when it's not true) she then demands I advocate for her with others - often people I don't even know.

She seems to have a sense of entitlement, particularly in relation to her son. The whole world must change because of his condition. At times, she seems unable to accept that his problems are likely to be permanent. At other times she declares that everyone (including me) is ''marginalizing'' him and very evil and she demands that people listen to her and comply with her every demand. I adore my grandson, and I would do almost anything for him  But I can't fix his major disability, sadly. There is no cure. And as I see it, society does a great deal to try to help him, but there are limits to what can be done. He does not have the capacity to participate fully in some areas of life. For example, he is not likely to ever be able to engage in a healthy sex relationship, much less father a child. And if he did father a child, it may well inherit major problems and he would not be capable of caring for that child. So when my daughter demands that I advocate with doctors to stop a treatment that she perceives (rightly or wrongly) can contribute to infertility, I have to say that I can't do that. Then she says I am marginalizing her son because I am denying him the right to father a child and that's a right everyone should have. I don't know how to answer that. Everyone cannot have that right.

Similarly, he cannot participate in some social activities that other children enjoy. That is tragic. I feel for him, and for her. But her insistence that all activities that he cannot enjoy must cease or be restructured to include him is just not fair to others.

I don't know how to respond to her demands without angering her. If I say that I don't agree, she screams that I am disrespecting her opinions and she makes threats to hurt me by way of retaliation. If I say I prefer not to be involved or it is outside my scope, she screams that I am just avoiding the issue because I don't agree with her.

Recently she and her husband bought a home. She got very angry with me because they could not afford the home she wanted, and somehow that is my fault, and it's unfair that I have a nicer home than she does. If I respected her opinions, I would understand that she should have a better home and I would find a way for her to have the home she wants.

I cannot disconnect from my daughter because I want to be part of my grandson's life, and my daughter and her husband are very needy. They rely on me a great deal for support in all kinds of areas. I don't want that to change. She has her own minor disability and her husband does also. But I am at point of feeling really afraid and completely broken by her abuse.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I might deal with this dilemma? I would be deeply grateful for any advice or suggestions anyone can offer.

Thank you

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! It's so hard when it's your child. The feeling of guilt can be overwhelming.

From what you wrote, your conflict seems to me that you feel you have to tolerate your daughter's entitled behaviour in order to spend time with your grandson. I urge you to study the Toolbox and begin to implement the strategies described there. The tools that were most valuable for me were non-JADE, medium chill, grey rock.

The hardest part for me was to accept that I am dealing with a person, suffering with a Personality Disorder. We all wish that our children are healthy and thrive and that they are not is a bitter pill to swallow. But to be healthy and role model healthy behaviour requires that we do not lie to ourselves and accept the other person as they are. Once you have given up hope that you can change anything about your daughter and acknowledge that she shows you exactly how she is, you gain more choices in how you respond to her behaviour.

I also recommend to find  support for yourself. I have found CoDA groups very helpful, but you might have access to therapy or other support groups in addition to us here. You got this! You are not alone. See you around on the boards.

[britmac]

Thank you so much. I will study the Toolbox strategies. I think just admitting the truth to myself is a step towards healing. I've been in denial for so long.

I had never heard of CoDA but I looked it up. Many years ago (when I was struggling in my marriage to a man suffering C-PTSD after suffering shocking injustice and abuse in childhood) I attended some GROW meetings. GROW used the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step plan to provide support for people struggling with mental health issues. It looks like CoDA may be similarly modelled? I've always had great admiration for the founders of AA and Al-Anon.

I will investigate CoDA further. Thank you, again. Just knowing we are not alone and others care helps a great deal. 

[JellyJam333]

I don't really have anything too much to add other than thank you for sharing your story... I have a narcissistic daughter who had oppositional defiant disorder... I don't know if that goes away as they get older, but I have been struggling since she was about one years old and she is now 27.

I'm going down the forum, feeling the most minuscule sense of relief that I'm not alone. So that's it... Thank you for sharing!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Dear Britmac, what an awful situation!  I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

I can relate to some aspects of it.  A uNPD (though not my child) is the gatekeeper to my access to a few dear loved ones. I feel like you do about your precious grandson; I'd do about anything to preserve those relationships. 

It is part of the disorder to have distorted thinking and believe everyone should always agree with you and also comply with anything they ask of you.  I've made an art out of responding with something that's not an agreement but doesn't point out that I have a different opinion or that I want to shut the topic down.  When it comes to not complying with their demands, which they find utterly intolerable, I guess I mostly try to put them off or be noncommittal or give a non-answer. When they throw barbs at me, I don't react.  I don't want to be doing all this tiptoeing, it feels like a very unhealthy way to communicate, and it's not that I'm recommending it.  I just haven't found any other way to avoid further banishment from those loved ones. 

I'm re-reading Stop Caretaking the BP/NPD in the hope I can find some answers to how to handle the feeling of being blackmailed.  Maybe someone else here who's sharper with the tools can be more helpful.

The best thing I've found for myself so far, to counteract the hits to my self esteem and emotional wellbeing, is this.  Fill the rest of my life up as much as possible with things to dwarf that toxic part, loving supportive friends who respect me, fun and meaningful activities, things that feed my spirit and remind me of the love and beauty in the world.

Let us know how you're doing.  You, too, JellyJam.