Middle ground

[Pig wrestler]

Hello everyone. Newbie here. Not very good with the abbreviations but I'll give it a shot. Married 15 years. Never even heard the term, love bombing, until a few weeks ago. Watching a YouTube video on covert narcs. Oh man! The speaker pretty much summed up our relationship/marriage, line by line, event by event.

Never quite realized how much my w would give me running room, then jerk me back in tighter and tighter.

Is it common for me, h of a uNPD to struggle with substance abuse? I feel like one of the ways to escape her is to drink or other vices.

Also, our oldest daughter, 21, courting a fella who has a lot going for him. He's a bit immature but aren't we all at 21. Long story short, d was having some problems with the bf and asked my wife for advice. Her reply was to go WAY over the top by putting their entire relationship on the chopping block. For example, bf was really not appreciative of d's love and attention. Wife's suggestion was to say to bf, "if you don't start treating me with more respect and love, this relationship is OVER". D told me this and I was horrified. BUT - it brought me back to the beginning of OUR relationship.

I told my d there is definitely some middle ground. Extremes are not the answer in most cases and gave her some sound advice.

It's just funny and sad how something like that could bring back so many memories over the past 15 years and create one of those... what do y'all call it? A lightbulb moment.

[NBRiverGuy]

I just "celebrated" my 18th anniversary. I arrived here about a year ago after learning about personality disorders from a close friend who suggested that my wife might have one.

I had many of the same epiphanies and reflective moments that you describe. Reading about "love bombing" "splitting" "BPD favorite person" "Triangulating" "cycle of emotional abuse" etc. all brought me Out of the FOG and onto this forum.

When I first had my "lightbulb moment", I was relieved because I thought, "Now that I know what is wrong with her, we can fix her and save our marriage." Unfortunately, that is not how it works at all and I recently  came to the conclusion that nobody can 'fix' her and the marriage cannot be salvaged. If I want to save myself, I have to leave her and that will completely destroy her. I am not mad at her. I do not blame her. I do not hate her. In fact, I love her and care about her well being. But, if I want a shot at a happy rest of my life, I cannot remain in this situation. So, in essence, I must sacrifice her to save myself. I know that is not a rational thought, but that is how it spins around in my head.

So, to answer your question, yes. I have been drinking too much lately. I would guess that it is common, but it is not healthy and I am trying to practice better coping mechanisms through therapy. But, sometimes you just want to numb the pain. I am not an addict, but I have been leaning on the bottle too much over the past couple of months. 

[NBRiverGuy]

It's just funny and sad how something like that could bring back so many memories over the past 15 years and create one of those... what do y'all call it? A lightbulb moment.

I've had so many memories that have come into focus since learning about personality disorders. BPDw and I have been together for over 20 years. I recently remembered a time early in our relationship when I relayed to her some small thing that my mom had said to me that hurt my feelings. The thing my mom said was so insignificant that I cannot even remotely remember what it was about. However, when I told w, she said, "You should call her back and say 'when you say things like that, it makes it hard for me to love you.' That will get her attention." At the time, I think I just said, "I'm not going to tell my mom that. It wasn't really a big deal." Looking back, that should have been a MAJOR red flag because those are the types of absolutes she operates under constantly.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Pig wrestler.  I want to recommend some resources. In all things, privacy is crucial to you retaining full self-control and self-benefit of your toolbox tab tools of actions and reactions, so I highly recommend you keep all things to yourself. I was married to my PDw for 30+ years. You are not alone.

-Read 'Stop Caretaking The Borderline & Narcissist' by Fjelstad.  Like you mentioned with the video, you may think the author wrote the book just for you.  You may also learn much about yourself; it's only YOU who must change. Your PDw will not change and you cannot change her. 

-Watch Dr Ramani's channel on YouTube. 

-Read 'Boundaries' by Cloud & Townsend. 

Also, to your question, there are some here who have struggled with substance abuse and sorry you do. I am not one who does, but I will share three pounts with you to consider. 

For one, "escaping" by substance use/abuse may cause you to become vulnerable to the proper use of the tools in the toolbox, and it's crucial you stay on top of your mental, emotional and physical game if you are going to begin to rise to the level of proper boundaries and other useful tools in the toolbox. I highly recommend, since you wrote the words "substance abuse", that you seek outside professional assistance regarding that in your life. 

Second, if your marital situation were to get more difficult and even on rocky ground, it is a h-u-g-e disadvantage for you, regarding the legal systems, to have substance use (especially abuse) in your habits portfolio. A PD will leverage substance use/abuse to a maximum advantage in all legal matters and believe me, the PD is keeping notes/records in the event its ever needed, so ceasing use is crucial to your self-improvement in all areas of your life. 

Third, any children you have, need their dad at the top of his game, and again, you are not when using substances to escape.  Your PDw is also a PDmom to your kids and that's especially difficult for any minor children you have. Your kids need you as a steady, strong, model adult that they can lean on and mirror. I dont desire my children model substance use.  Btw, my second point above is even more crucial if there are minor children in the home. 

Wishing you the best,

SoT

[SonofThunder]

Glad to read that update about you Pig wrestler. You are welcome.

Ime: (in my experience) When you begin studying, practicing and perfecting the tools in the toolbox, applying them to all your decision-making as well as your reactions and actions, you are going to feel energized by your successful tool application, but also increasingly alone; like you live with a steady growing disgruntled roommate who blames you for all the new problems, because YOU changed and then makes you pay for it by increasing the demands and playing with your emotions, trying to get you to be a good spouse and roll over, so she can return to idealization of an obedient husband (hoovering/love-bombing) but with the satisfaction bar-height raised higher each time around the hamster-wheel of the IDD cycle. 

My wife did not take my quiet but steady changes lightly. She stoked the first D in the IDD cycle (Idealization, Devaluation, Discard), and it can get downright manipulative and shocking at times. When you reach the second D (Discard) your resolve will be surely tested. 

You mention "smear". For a few folks here who have divorced a PD and alcohol was present in the home and in some habits (even casually), smear takes on a whole new level when the PD uses it against the spouse in false allegations to police and in court hearings, child custody hearings and beyond. 

Smear campaigns by PD's to one's mutual friends is one thing, but trust me, I know two men outside of Out of the FOG where alcohol (any use level) was weaponized to bring the husband down hard and each man spent many thousands just crawling back to the legal line of scrimmage. Even if it's just credit card receipts that show purchases at alcohol stores or charges at the bar, it's a weapon for a manipulative PD when coupled with false claims about a man from a wife & protective-mother. 

My advise to you, since you know you are married to a PDw, is to disarm any future possible weaponization by abstinence if possible. If not, pay with cash instead of providing a paper trail. 

Again, glad to read its not a problem for you personally. 

SoT