Made the decision today

[swampgyrl]

Hi, I made the decision today to go no contact with a parent. I do not have access to a therapist at the moment, so I have been running their behavior though ChatGPT for the last two days which has been incredibly helpful. While only a professional can diagnosis, it seems the behavior I have been experiencing is narcissistic abuse. I have taken ten years to come to this firm realization. Unfortunately, I am in their home and do not feel emotionally safe. I made the mistake of trying to talk to them about how awkward I am feeling here, and it is taken as an insult, despite the fact that there is some kind of pseudo relationship supposed to be happening between us. I moved across country to be here, thinking the relationship had improved, but as soon as I got into their home things got weird fast. Not surprised, but this was their last chance. This is what ChatGPT came up with:

Summary of Types of Abuse:

Emotional Abuse: Through constant invalidation of your feelings, control, and manipulation, your mother undermines your emotions, needs, and desires.

Psychological Abuse: By making you question your preferences, forcing you to adopt her viewpoint, and using tactics like sarcasm and invalidation, she creates confusion and doubt in your mind.

Narcissistic Abuse: The overwhelming focus on her own desires, disregarding your own, and pushing you to conform to her worldview, while refusing to acknowledge your autonomy.

Racist & Prejudiced Behavior: Her expressions of racist attitudes also contribute to a toxic environment that affects your emotional well-being.

I refuse to be in a toxic relationship anymore, but this is frightening and painful. I'm hoping people going through the same thing can give me some advice on moving forward with this sad decision.

[Rebel13]

Hi swampgyrl, it is a difficult decision and not one any of us come to easily! I'm glad you found this site.

Since you are living with your relative, you might especially like a lot of the tools in the Toolbox section of the site. They're really helpful when we still have contact with a disordered person on the regular. You can read about the tactics you are experiencing and get ideas for how to make changes in your own behavior to keep yourself as safe as possible.

Good luck! Keep reading, and let us know how you are doing.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group-

I started my NC journey as a teen and was fully NC by the time I was 25.  it's been a long road but at the end of the day, my worst day without my biological mother in my life was still better than the best day with her in it....

some things that really helped me was to write down my truths, finding mentorship and/or 'chosen' mother figures on the different stages of my journey.  I had some very understanding sister-friends as well.

I have been NC more than half my life at this point and the hurt child in me still does get upset for the loss of the mother I needed and never had, but knowing that I also have PEACE vs never ending chaos in my life has been worth the tears/sorrow. 

somedays it will be like 1 step forward, 180 steps back but you've got this.  keep reading, researching and posting. we're listening when you are ready to share more

[swampgyrl]

Thank you for the warm welcome! Is it normal to be in a kind of a daze, where you have made the decision, the toxic behavior is continuing, but it's hard to actually do what you need to do? Is this a part of the grieving process?

[Rebel13]

swampgyrl, I think it is really hard to maintain boundaries, use medium chill, or whatever other tactics you are trying, when the abuse is ongoing and in the place you are living. I would think any and all feelings or reactions, emotional or physical, would be "normal" in that situation. Hang in there and protect yourself as best you can.

[swampgyrl]

I'm coming to the reluctant conclusion, that there is no making a deal with the devil. There is no safe place to carve out when dealing with a narcissist. Just when I think I found a way to make it bearable, that sense of dread or fear happens. Nothing is ever ok.

[JR]

swampgyrl you'll never get a professional diagnosis for NPD behavior because a professional psychiatrist/therapist can be Bull shi**ed by the narcissistic's mask, they can act nicely when they want to, and then turn up the gas pedal of abuse on victims behind closed doors away from the eyes of the normal people in the outside world. these are very cruel calculating disordered people who know exactly what they are doing to their targeted victims and get narcissistic supply to regulate themselves this way. So when someone says they believe they are in a abusive,toxic narcissistic relationship, I absolutely take their word for it even if i am not a trained professional, because normal stable people just don't make this stuff up and are looking for help, IMO your own research and findings are enough evidence of it, even if they are diagnosed by a professional with NPD their is absolutely nothing they can do with these people, and only you can defend yourself with grey rocking and other temporary tactics to stave them off, until you just detach yourself completely from them(the ultimate goal)