Recognizing Your Anxiety As Keeping You Safe

[Invisiblewoman]

I remember having to address my anxiety as if it were a flaw, or an organic mental illness.

I can remember being expected to drive to a family gathering knowing one of my abusers would be there. They used to beat and threaten to kill me, and actually threatened me with a gun at one point.

I think as I've started healing I started feeling anxiety and not judging myself as "being crazy" or with the typical things my family would say about my mental health.

I wasn't just afraid of my abuser, it was my family I was afraid of because they would stroke my abuser's ego because he checked off all the right boxes to make the family look good. There was no consideration for the amount of trauma they inflicted on me. I wasn't just afraid I'd be expected to wear a face and smile. Pretending and shutting down wasn't safe anymore and I started recognizing that.

I was treated like I was punishing others if I mentioned the trauma or how it made me feel. My disclosure was used against me by another relative in a bizarre backlash because I barred her from giving out my address without asking me.

I used to think it was me but my anxiety doesn't lie. Your anxiety doesn't lie, it's a warning signal to check yourself or your surroundings, including the people around you.

The amount of lying I have witnessed in attempts to selfishly manipulate me explains my anxiety.  Even without the physical abuse it would make an average person anxious.

There is also something called ambient abuse where the disrespect seems subtle on the surface but the reason behind it is far more serious. When you're at a stage and you're experiencing constant jabs at your character- it's time to leave. It's a sign of tension is building before it blows up into something more serious.

I'm so glad I went no contact at that stage.

[SonofThunder]

Invisiblewoman, thanks for sharing your very difficult experiences with abuse and discussing how you are reclassifying the attributes of your anxiety in a new light; recognizing they exist because of abuse from others and not from your own making, also serving you as the warning signal you describe, honed by those experiences. 

It is an important reminder to myself that my anxiety has been crafted by decades of abusive relationships and to understand its existence in light of that truth and although I wish I did not experience the anxiety, it is my own protective signal.   

SoT

[Invisiblewoman]

Ambient Abuse- Description from Healthy Place

I feel like this is what was happening. At first I was approached and given information that would help me get to the truth. I was told everything but the truth. Then it started with lashing out- rage, name calling, accusing me of lying- when I said I felt unsafe.

Then they started labelling me as angry and seemingly isolating me, and cutting me off from certain family functions for fear of I'd "act out."

Then more lying and gaslighting, and accusations, and name calling, followed by them playing victim to a tone I allegedly had when they lied again to deliberately provoke a reaction.

Given all the information I have now it's clear I was being dragged back into being demeaned and used as a whipping post for their gross behaviour; just with a different relative.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Going NC is a powerful tool, IW. Not only to break the old patterns, but to put ourselves in an environment where we can start healing from the old beliefs of "unworthy" and come to believe at a deep level we do deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

There are safe people who, while not perfect, believe in taking responsibility for their messups, being honest, talking through conflicts while giving the benefit of the doubt, treating others with equality, care and reciprocity, who respect both themselves and others.  I'm not anxious when I'm with these friends, which is most of the time. And they've stood the test of time; still safe after years, decades, and occasional hiccoughs. 

I limit my contact with others.  Though I haven't been able to completely cut all PD contact, I am NC with a few.  Anyone new I start engaging with has to be willing to operate on a basic level of decency.  Life's too short for anything else.

[JLS]

There is also something called ambient abuse where the disrespect seems subtle on the surface but the reason behind it is far more serious. When you're at a stage and you're experiencing constant jabs at your character- it's time to leave. It's a sign of tension is building before it blows up into something more serious.

Yes in a healthy relationship there are no jabs at your character.  I have noticed the anxiety in the pit of my stomach as well in certain situations and now use it as a warning.  My mother texted the other day and as a was replying at a certain point the anxiety was felt, so I changed course with the topic of conversation in the text and kept it bland.  I felt the anxiety fade as I did this.
 
I now use this feeling as a warning or red flag that my body is picking up that something isn't right and now I listen to it.

[MaxedOut]

Thanks for sharing your experience and the article link (very interesting).