Struggling with care issues

[Danie]

I'm so glad I found your post. Unfortunately for me, my mom is 86 and recently disabled and I'm stuck helping take care of her. My therapist said, "definitely a Narcissist" not too long ago. This feels like my worst nightmare because I have an older sibling that's always been in the mix of my relationship with my mom. My mom got out of rehab (2nd time) and went back to her house a month ago. The staff at the rehab really didn't recommend it. She isn't able to take care of herself, but since she is still able to make decisions she got to go home.

My older sister is her POA and has all of her finances and medical information - my mom handed it all off to her. The week my mom was released my sister disconnected from everyone. Mom needed a hospital bed at her house and my sister dropped the ball and didn't get it ordered. My mom called me to take her home (no bed there) so we went over to my sister's house and sat in her driveway and demanded a credit card. After several minutes of confusion she handed a credit card out the door to my husband who then tried to order a bed. The credit card was no longer in service.

We took her home anyway and she sat in her recliner until a bed arrived 4 hours later. We think my sister had already lined it up, but thought it would be entertaining for her to not tell anyone. My sister is 95% non-communicative and works through my mom's caregiver that visits 12 hours a week. I told my mom yesterday she needs to work things out with my sister because I'm not going to be available when the next 3-ring circus happens. She just kind of chuckles and looks away.

I expect this to continue, nothing will change and I am just trying to cope and help my mom the way I want to and with my boundaries and limits which I have been clear about. The hard part for me is my heart because I tend to be on the empath side. My therapist gave me a phone number for an Adult Abuse Organization and told me to call them. I don't want to do it because neither my sister or  my mom care about how I feel and they work together against me.

My challenge is to try and cope, live my life, heal from my past and let the chips fall where they may.

[xredshoesx]

@Danie in a well-functioning family coordinating care for an aging parent is difficult at best- I can't even imagine how much more complicated it is considering the relationship with your sister.

my only experience close to this was being my grandma's POA (both financial and medical) during her transition.  Neither of her children wanted to be responsible because they both had their own trauma from being raised by her.  I will say thee one time I needed my dad to step up he did- and that was when my grandma stopped eating and they were going to put a surgical feeding tube in and he allowed me to be the POA to sign the paperwork so her wishes to go into hospice care would be respected.  had he not done that I would have gone to court to be her guardian so I could sign for her.  since I was raised completely apart from my dad and his family (my biological mother was into parental alienation) I didn't have the exposure to the abuse he and his sister suffered so I was able to cope with being the ONE if that makes any sense.

from being her and my experiences with my own mother, I get how difficult it is to step in like you are doing and I commend you for doing what you can in respect to keeping your boundaries to be safe considering how you were treated by both your mother and sister.   I moved your post so it could get more feedback from others in the same situation who have a more direct experience with caregiving who are still in contact with their families.   

[bloomie]

Danie - you are truly in a double bind everywhere you turn with the drama and antics around your mother's care needs. I am so sorry.

I expect this to continue, nothing will change and I am just trying to cope and help my mom the way I want to and with my boundaries and limits which I have been clear about. The hard part for me is my heart because I tend to be on the empath side. My therapist gave me a phone number for an Adult Abuse Organization and told me to call them. I don't want to do it because neither my sister or  my mom care about how I feel and they work together against me.

My challenge is to try and cope, live my life, heal from my past and let the chips fall where they may.

This is clear-eyed and a powerful statement about where you are at and where you intend to stay. 

It seems like there is a unspoken kind of unhealthy dance between your sister and your mother that has been going on for... well, forever you are spot on, there is nothing you can do to effect change and create a healthy environment for your elderly mother when you are the only one who wants, or sees, the need for it.

Having been in a eerily similar situation with a fragile elder what I can offer is: Self Care, Self Care, Self Care!!!

Every single interaction and disordered, over complicated, chaotic situation you encounter siphons from your reserves. Every single one. Plan for that and be ever so gentle with yourself doing only what you believe is best and necessary.

And keep coming back and sharing as you are able for support!