Narc mom trying to brainwash baby

[Laduly]

My baby is 9 months old. I first realized my mom was a narcissist when he was born because of the way she acted and that's when I started coming Out of the FOG. So there are many, many issues, but my main one right now is how she's trying to brainwash him to love her "the most."

She keeps telling him how much he loves her, "wow you just love me the most, don't you?" When my other family members are around. Now, my siblings and father are telling anyone who will listen how obsessed my baby is with her. I've already tried deflecting: "oh, he loves everyone, he's so sweet and she just doubles down and says "yes but he especially loves me." It's super icky. My brother and my cousin had a whole conversation about how much baby loves my mom, and she wasn't even around, so it's clearly being talked about and reinforced a ton. Anything more direct that I say to her will be a huge blowup and her trying to vindictively ruin my life with no real resolution.

Should I say anything or just limit her time with my baby? The problem is she lives 3 streets over, in a small town. So there's not a lot of physical distance. I'm feeling really nervous for some reason that she's going to try and emotionally "steal" him. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[bloomie]

Welcome, Laduly! I am thankful you found us and sorry at the same time you are dealing with your mother's manipulative and upsetting behaviors.

Congratulations on your precious little one! What a privilege for you and baby's other parent to be the emotional and physical center of your child's world!

One of the foundational things we are rarely taught in birthing classes or parenting podcast is how to deal with a mother/grandparent whose behaviors are potentially divisive, inappropriate, and covertly threatening to the powerful bond you and your child share.

That primary bond, with YOU, is essential to your child's wellbeing, healthy development. Part of your learning curve, as a new parent, is to learn to put a stop to any narratives, behaviors, intrusiveness from anyone - that threatens that bond or could potentially cause confusion for your child.

How do you put a stop to your mother's yammering on like this and others? Speak up. "No more talk about who baby loves more." Pick up baby and leave the room. The end.

If, and when, she and others make excuses for this ridiculous behavior there is zero need to respond verbally and explain why it is weird that your mother would compete with her own adult child for the love and place of honor in your child's life. If others want to suck up to this ridiculous display of vanity they are certainly welcome to, but you don't have to.

Your mother's response to your holding up a bright red stop sign is 100% her responsibility. Your mother can tantrum all she wants to spreading far and wide how petty, selfish, jealous you are of her and whoever wants to can believe what they want.

In the meantime, you will be strengthening your ability to get used to being uncomfortable with another's displeasure with you.. and you are going to need those skills throughout your child's life.

I am a grandparent and there is something very essential that I know... if I disrespect my grandchildren's parents I risk not being welcomed into their home and life.

Boundaries my dear, Laduly! That is where the work is for you in this scenario. There are great resources at the drop down menus above, great book recommendations around how to set and hold limits, but the most important piece to get is that you get to decide what does and does not work for you in your life, family of choice (you, baby, partner) and how you will live and communicate those things.

A few great resources to get your started:

A great thread from the community about boundaries: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=25d2b43f73cc594273186ed956c04335&topic=36232.0

A couple other online resources:
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=25d2b43f73cc594273186ed956c04335&topic=96064.0

Keep coming back for support and empowerment! It helps lighten a heavy load!

[Rebel13]

How do you put a stop to your mother's yammering on like this and others? Speak up. "No more talk about who baby loves more." Pick up baby and leave the room. The end.

Boom.