My father brought up my shut-in brother again

[kethartikt0kb00m]

Hey, I just wanted to talk a bit.  I'm a little frustrated do sorry if it's long.

I was in a good mood this morning. I went to go make breakfast. My father seems to be doing well after surgery that he went through a few months ago. It seemed like it was going to be a nice interaction until he brought up how I should talk to my little brother. My little brother is a shut in. I wasn't comfortable talking to my little brother for many reasons. The most important one is that everything I've already expressed to him. I've already said to him before he locked himself in his room and isolated himself. I have an understanding that the issue and problem lies between him And his parents that had a very hostile relationship ended up with him getting physically abused by them. I have nothing to do with that and I understand that in order for him to begin healing the parents would have to admit that they were wrong. They don't even know How to begin to be self-aware of their actions. So they just think that my little brother is sick or he's just crazy and he needs a medical attention. He's not sick and he's not a psycho. He's broken. But dealing with people who don't understand emotions and don't understand how they could psychologically hurt. People could never understand that. I was trying to once again explain to my father, my reasons for not talking to my little brother. I was going to explain how futile that was because of what he was actually going through. My father was being very persistent about talking to him and wasn't letting me finish talking. He was over talking me and interrupting me. He doesn't listen and he thinks he's always right.  I got frustrated. I shook my head and told him he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand at all and one day he will understand when it's too late. Now I'm in my room wearing that weird negative energy while he's in the other room watching TV feeling fine with the interaction.

He tries to make me feel like I should take a responsibility in talking to my brother and trying to reach out to him. That sounds good on paper. But something about that doesn't feel right. I can't quite put my finger on it. I spoke to my brother years ago before he isolated himself. We really unpacked some things, and I begun to understand his reasons. His reasons made sense to me. But I also understood that because of our family and everything stacked against him the chances of him being hurt out was slim on. So it's not for the lack of trying, but I don't know what to say to somebody who shut out completely. I don't want to try. Especially when I understand why he shut down. I would too. When I feel like the family is the one who broke me. he probably sees us as the monsters. He's not sick. He's afraid. Just because he has an ally in me doesn't change anything. He has nothing and no means to get out of here. Even I am trying to create a back door escape to get out of the family and move out when I get more money.The situation is hopeless, unfortunately for him because unlike me, he isn't actively trying to create a way out of the family that's perpetually pushing him down.


It's just it doesn't make me feel good when I'm reminded of his situation and I feel as though I am being made out to look like I don't care because I won't talk to him. When an actuality, I just am exhausted from it all. I'm exhausted with the pain, drama, and constant trauma that's involved with the back-and-forth. Being a true teller of the family and seeing things, but nobody cares about what you have to say and then it's too late. And then they try to make you help them clean up the mess they started... That does something to me... It makes me feel... Badly about myself. Disappointed... Frustrated. Why won't they listen? I used to ask myself this. But I don't anymore until they try to talk to me and try to get me to clean up their mess. I don't know how to do that. That's their mess to clean. But I can't help but feel like they're right sometimes. I don't know why I feel like they're right sometimes. I don't question why I just feel like it they are without any logical reason behind it. Like my scapegoat, Brother is my responsibility despite the fact that my brother doesn't listen to me either. It's a problem it's been going on between him and my parents. No one ever listens to the voice of reason. You just want the voice of reason to do what you say because you said so. I don't want that anymore. It hurts too bad. My way of helpingis giving advice before the bad stuff comes. Not after.

Thanks, helpful to reach out to people who understands a little bit of what I'm saying. Sorry for the unbroken long paragraphs. I'm a little shaken about the interaction.

[Rebel13]

Hi kethartiktokboom,

I'm so sorry you had to go through this stressful, painful interaction. I remember some years ago when I went to visit my family and tried really hard to make my plans transparent, sent emails two months in advance, etc., and for reasons, ended up not seeing my brother. The next time I spoke to my mother after returning home, she scolded me for "not going to see" him. I really hated that, as a continuation of the indirect, triangulated, controlling communication that she always used to drive us siblings apart. So I know a little bit about what you're feeling.

It's so lovely that you have empathy for your brother's struggles, and ALSO great that you know what your own capabilities are as far as helping him! I'm so glad you're putting yourself first in that relationship and trying to take care of your own needs to get your own living space. You are right to say that your brother's struggles are his, and no one can fix his situation for him if he is an adult.

In terms of dealing with your father's pressure and interference, there are lots of great references on this site to help with that. You could look at the articles on medium chill, boundaries, and JADE in the toolbox:
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries
https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

All of these strategies have helped me a lot to take care of myself in difficult relationships, to communicate clearly and avoid arguments and pointless conversations. For example, a boundary for yourself might be, "I'm not going to discuss my relationship with brother with my dad." You don't even have to tell him this, you just have to choose a different course when he brings it up.  This is where medium chill might help: "Thanks for your input, dad, I'll think about it." And then leave the room. Making these changes is scary at first, and people don't always react well when you try to change entrenched patterns. But ultimately, I've found, people either change their behavior in response to my changes, or I use more techniques to create more distance and comfort for myself. It sounds like you are already trying and planning to do that, and I wish you all the best with it!

[kethartikt0kb00m]

Thanks Rebel 13 for your encouragement. Also, thank you for the links to these resources. Medium chill I just read and it seems like something I really wanna commit to my heart to know how to do. It doesn't feel good knowing that I feel upbeat at one moment and then after an interaction, I wear a funky negative emotion that kind of ruins my day a bit. I have issues wearing feelings that aren't mine or getting into a bad place in my head by overthinking and ruminating more than I'm supposed to because I invested too much in an interaction. You're more helpful than you know! I'm gonna read the other two links in a little bit.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi kethartik,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain. For years both my parents were pressuring me to talk to my sister when I was very reluctant to do so. The difference with your brother is that my sister was malicious toward me and made me her target, so the interaction was not only difficult but actively harmful towards me. My parents refused to take on any responsibility and thought that I could help her and perhaps take the load off them. For years I tried to keep a fine balance, keeping low contact with sis and humouring them, until I realized this is not doing anyone any favours and opted out. You are already doing so well by recognising your limits and putting boundaries in place. This is very healthy and wise! I know very well the knot in the stomach and the unpleasant feelings that such conversations create. It is so hard to shake off. Rebel is absolutely right: try to put even more firm boundaries with your parents. Don't let them draw you into such discussions. Don't explain yourself, don't try to persuade them. Say in a polite but firm voice 'we see things in a different way so I am not going to discuss this with you', and get up and leave. There will be buts and reactions at first but persistence is key and you will get your freedom eventually. I love how you are making plans to exit the situation. Keep working on that! And keep writing to us here.
I wish you all the best xx