I'm really ill, and I feel so guilty for it!

[Generic_Username]

So I'm currently really quite ill with pneumonia (I'm in my 30s). I've been laid up in bed for over a week and have only just started to feel human in the past couple of days. I'm still very breathless and basic tasks leave me completely exhausted - it took me 30 minutes to shower, sitting down, whereas it would usually take me 10, I'm now in bed trying to get my breath back!

I feel so painfully guilty about it all. My partner thankfully knows my history and why I'm feeling so worried, and it reassuring me along every step of the way, but it won't turn off.

All my childhood, and frankly adulthood, my health has been invalidated by my parents. If I were unwell, it would initially be dismissed, then if I actually was unwell (!) then I would be believed right up until the moment I started to get better. If I showed any ounce of improvement, that would be it. I was better. I should be up and doing everything like normal and carry on as if I were never ill. This led me to exaggerate how I felt so that I was able to get rest for a longer amount of time. I would constantly be scared of getting caught.

Now, into adulthood, I find it hard to recognise if I'm unwell. I'll shrug it off, and tell myself it's all in my head. This has meant that what could have been a "normal" chest infection progressed to pneumonia that can keep me off work for weeks. I'm now terrified everyone thinks I'm exaggerating and making it up. Starting the whole vicious cycle again.

I've got a sick note. I'm not due back in work until October. I've got a supportive boss and partner. It's all in my head - but that's the hardest part.

[NarcKiddo]

Your post resonates.

I had pneumonia earlier this year and I also find it hard to recognise how unwell I am. I ended up having to be taken to hospital by ambulance and spent nearly two weeks there, including two days in critical care. Pneumonia is not something to mess with, so please, please take all the meds and rest you need. And then maybe a bit more just to be on the safe side. Everyone I have spoken to has commented on how tough pneumonia is to deal with and to recover from. It takes time and needs to be respected. I am really glad your boss and partner are supportive. I hope you can find a way to be kind to yourself too.

I hope you feel better soon.

[Catothecat]

Discounting yourself in this way is exactly what PDs/narcs want.  Attention belongs to them, not to you.  And when you go along with their wants, they reward you with further reinforcement.  They will never go along with yours (and if they do, it usually involves some type of redirection ultimately back to them, i.e., "remember that time when you were so sick and I...").

I experienced this with my own parents (who weren't even PDs although my mother was a narc).  It was as if paying attention to me cost them something they didn't want to pay.  It was an effort and they seldom failed to let me know.  My reaction was to either downplay or dismiss any complaint or concern because I could anticipate their reaction which was almost always negative and always found me to blame, somehow. 

So this guilt you feel is a pretty normal reaction to this kind of parenting.  Feeling we are a "bother" and not really worth anyone's time or effort.  And when we can't help it (because facts are facts, after all), we feel guilty for overstepping what we believe are our bounds. 

I don't know if it's ever possible to entirely break this training, but I agree that having supportive people in your life is a big step towards lessening your automatic reactions.  I try to be aware of those who aren't supportive, of those who are dismissive, and tread warily around them when issues like this arise.  In other words, I just keep things to myself and interpret it as being self-protective. Supportive people will never view you with suspicion and will never dismiss your concerns/issues.   

Disclosure--years ago I also had pneumonia and dismissed my symptoms myself, before anyone else could, and ended up in the emergency room.  That was quite the learning experience!

[treesgrowslowly]

Now, into adulthood, I find it hard to recognise if I'm unwell. I'll shrug it off, and tell myself it's all in my head. This has meant that what could have been a "normal" chest infection progressed to pneumonia that can keep me off work for weeks. I'm now terrified everyone thinks I'm exaggerating and making it up. Starting the whole vicious cycle again.

I've got a sick note. I'm not due back in work until October. I've got a supportive boss and partner. It's all in my head - but that's the hardest part.

Hi,

I think that you are actually shedding the past and moving into a new state... where I suspect that you will gradually become more comfortable recognizing your health - and tending to things like a chest cold more easily in the future.

The reason I say this is because survivors of parental narc abuse and neglect, have not been taken care of when we were sick. I had 2 parents who ignored me when I was sick. So I don't know what it is like to have people believe me and support me.

In your post you wrote that your boss is supportive. What happens to us when we become adults, is that other adults treat us better than our own parents did when we were sick. Your boss probably doesn't think you are exaggerating. Healthy people don't think that - PD parents do. Because they were disordered. And their disorder made it all about them. Which means that when their child got sick, they got annoyed. Because taking care of us wasn't 'fun' for them. They were selfish.

Your parents had a level of self-absorption that your partner and boss do not have. It is their PD that you survived. As an adult, if you are with nons, you'll get used to how they see you. Someone who deserves care and respect. Our recovery from PD parent abuse takes a leap forward when these healthy people come into our lives - as bosses or partners.

Because now we can experience a real and healthy level of concern for us. Which was missing with our PD parents. It is normal for you to go through a process where you are not sure of all of this for a while because having people believe you and support you in your recovery from an illness, is not something you got to experience enough as a child. Maybe not at all (depending how self-centered your parents were).

In time, the care and concern from others can become your new normal.

I have found that one of the hard parts of the process, is to realize how disordered our parents really were, and how little they did for us when we were sick. It sounds like you are going through some of that processing right now. Sometimes memories would pop up for me, things I had forgotten, about how callous my parent had been when I was not feeling well. What helps is to have a therapist who understands how powerful it is to talk about what you survived, and what you need to experience as an adult (respect, care, safety) and how odd and new those experiences are for a while when we've had uncaring parents in our childhood. A lot of healing can happen when we simply have caring people in our lives, who can show a healthy level of concern for us when we are recovering from an infection. One of the reasons I went NC, was to make space for that in my life, because my parents have no idea how to take care of anyone.

Trees

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

Well said, Trees. I still feel guilty about being sick and will very often push through when I ought not to. Unless I'm contagious, I take a lot of convincing to lie down already. My mother did the Munchausen by proxy when she felt like playing Good and Suffering Mother AND denied real illnesses when she didn't, so double whammy. My symptoms existed or didn't at her convenience, and I learned to do my darndest to go along to get along. To this day I suspect my symptoms are awfully convenient if there's something coming up I don't mind missing. I also feel a lot of shame when my husband or someone else offers me care and concern, because it feels as if it must be fake. I can feel plenty of anger about how my parents treated me, but I'm in this in-between place right with you where I am learning to accept the care and compassion that is, truly, my right. Hah it's even uncomfortable writing that I have a right to be cared for! Thank you for sharing, GU, and I wish you a complete recovery of every part of your being.

[Generic_Username]

I don't know if anyone will see this reply as I posted so long ago, but thank you for your replies.

I actually don't really remember posting this, I just check this site every couple of months to help with grounding and validation (but that's a different story).

Turns out I was very ill, and by rights should have gone to hospital. I was off work for over a month and didn't really have a choice in being looked after because I was far too ill to care for myself anyway.

It really helped my MH having such a slow recovery. Because I was forced to focus on myself and what I deserved, and found myself actually appreciating all the care and support shown to me. Mind blown!!!

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad the slow recovery helped your MH. And it sounds like you are now feeling physically better, but please continue to bear in mind that pneumonia recovery is hard and slow. Please be careful, still, and do not be surprised if you need to take things slowly from time to time.