BPDw,

[JohnnyBoyBlue]

 Hi, I'm new here. Very thankful to be with people who can share in my struggles.

 My wife has BPD and is pregnant with our 3rd child together (she has 2 older kids with another man as well). We have been together 5 years. I did not know she had BPD until some months after we were married when I was thrown off her pedestal. It's.. been extremely difficult. I'm afraid if things don't change I or she or we could end up in jail or losing our kids. My biggest fear is losing time with my kids. If not for them I don't know that I would be in this relationship anymore.

 I want to do right, and I want to make it work, but I might recognize I only mean that in the idea that she miraculously changes in the end.. to think this is my life and will continue to be my life is killing my soul.

 I'm struggling in my faith to give it to Christ while she makes no effort to address and heal her past abandonment and sexual trauma/BPD/behavior. Nothing emotional or relational I say lands. She continues to talk over me and flat out tell me 'I'm not listening to you, stop talking.' Then continues to talk rude and hurtful.
 
 It feels like an enormous pressure is put on me to leave and on me to stay, and I can't stay in the place I am without it perceived as wrong. A few days ago I brought up a job/volunteer idea and that led to my wife taking the kids to a hotel.

 We just had a good night. In the morning I told her how grateful i was for her, this moment and our kids. I got up to help my little boy out of bed and to make tea/coffee and she told me I 'severed our connection' because I 'would rather do all the things than be with me'.

 Now I am seriously considering new steps and how to set up boundaries.. any suggestions? Ex. I do not tolerate her cursing at my children in anger, but whatever I say makes her madder and now she's cursing at me. I have set up no respected boundaries for myself or my kids because it's easier to stuff feelings and keep the peace.. horrible way to live.

 We are somewhat separated right now, and as sad as it is I feel like I can breathe. I had no idea how small and isolated I have become..

 Please just let me know I'm not alone here..

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You are not alone. You have found a good place, full of information and support. Your first step should be to check out the Toolbox tab, what to do and what not to do. Then begin to implement the strategies suitable for you. In your case there are children involved. So whatever you do, put the well-being of your children first. It's important that your children have a safe and stable parent in their life. Therefore you need to consider custody.  Do not do anything that might endanger getting custody of your children.
See you around on the boards

[bloomie]

JohnnyBoyBlue - welcome to Out of the FOG. Thank you for giving us a bit of background of the relationship that brings you to the community. I am so sorry things have unfolded so painfully in your marriage. Your concern for yourself and your children is something that can help guide you to insights and solutions, I am thinking.

I would imagine 3 pregnancies/children in 5 years alone is a lot for you all to adapt to and then adding in BPD has to make things complex and uncertain. Given the complexity of your family dynamic my hope is you are building a network of support for you all of which Out of the FOG can certainly be a part.

What we can offer you here is peer support from a insightful group of fellow travelers, a toolbox addressing specific behaviors you may be encountering, other resources such as books and other online vids and articles which can further equip you to navigate the troubled waters you are all in.

It's.. been extremely difficult. I'm afraid if things don't change I or she or we could end up in jail or losing our kids. My biggest fear is losing time with my kids. If not for them I don't know that I would be in this relationship anymore.

This particular statement is of concern to me and I want to offer you some emergency links to look through:
https://outofthefog.website/emergency

You mention your faith struggle and trust in giving this all to Christ. I am a woman of deep and abiding faith in Christ and at the same time recognize that we have agency and control over how we care for ourselves and vulnerable children in the midst of what sounds like at least verbal abuse from your wife.

When faced with such difficulty like you describe, the question for me becomes: "what is mine to do?" and the answer that is clear is we put children first.

If you have a pastor or spiritual leader that could point you toward resources in real life and a faith community that can support and surround you now might be a good time to bring them in to what is going on in your home.

If you have a primary care doc, now might be a good time to bring that person in to what is going on with your wife labile emotions and get some insight and help to help you know how much of what is going on is related to multiple pregnancies in a short time and how the issues can be managed, or helped, medically.

It also may be a good time to talk with a domestic violence expert who can advise and help with an expertise that is specific. Here is a great link to help you consider that: https://www.thehotline.org
This site also has a way to search for local resources in your area that you will see if you access the site.

Keep coming back here and sharing. You are dealing with a heavy load. Our hope is your time here will lighten your load a bit! Again, we welcome you.

[bloomie]

just a quick additional note... I moved your post over here to The Welcome Mat to give you better opportunity for replies and insights. 

[JohnnyBoyBlue]

 Thank you both. To think so much helpful positive information and support has been available this whole time, I just never knew about it.. I am supremely grateful.

 Merry Christmas

[SonofThunder]

Hi JohnnyBoyBlue,

Another warm welcome to Out of the FOG!  I am sorry to read about your difficult experiences, but as you have already found, you are among folks from around the world, who have similar experiences, and the replies already given to this thread are excellent.  You are not alone. 

There is much past, present and will-be future dialog here regarding your question:

"Now I am seriously considering new steps and how to set up boundaries.. any suggestions?"

I recommend you search the boundary term here on Out of the FOG and read the conversations, as well as look at the resources that are suggested for more education, understanding and application to your specific scenario.  Please make yourself at home and jump in the conversations along many of the trails we all walk together. 

See you around the boards,

SoT