I don't know how to be a parent

[Generic_Username]

I wasn't sure where to post this as it's indirectly linked to my parents, moreso the effect they've had on me.

I have 3 gorgeous children, my eldest has just turned 10 and we bought him an iPad. It's a massive step for us as we've been pretty restrictive on screen time (they watch TV daily and have access to a Nintendo Switch over the weekend - its definitely a decent amount of time, but seems to be far less than their peers get). The thing is, it's really caused me to spiral mentally and I find myself getting really panicky.

For context, my parents - especially my uNMum - were very very strict. I never played out with friends, I couldn't go to town over the weekend. Everything was deemed too dangerous or too inappropriate. As a result I had zero street smarts, I was still a child when I left for uni at 18 and the world shocked me. I couldn't do anything for myself, I had no budgeting skills and I became worrying close to alcohol dependance.

Skip to now, with my eldest child and his shiny new iPad. I want him to know it is his, with no strings attached, and to have the joy of freedom for games and exploring and discovering. But I also know that the internet can be a scary place and I don't want him to happen across things that would be scary or worrying for him.

My partner and I have set some controls on it, there's a time limit (it won't work before 9am or after 6pm) and in order to download an app he needs to asked permission, which is granted on my partner's phone.

He's heartbroken that we've said no to Roblox and Fortnite. I've explained to him on a very basic level that I have seen children as young as 13 having to deal with upsetting consequences of apps that are too grown up (I work in healthcare and deal with grooming/safeguarding).

I feel like we've dangled a carrot in front of him, but he can only look at it. My automatic reaction is to say no to things, because there are so many things I don't know or understand that I'm scared it'll cause him harm. But then I start to panic that I'm being overly restrictive and doing exactly the same that was done to me - granted we're having conversations instead of flat "no"s, but it feels the same.

I am terrified of becoming her, but to the point that I am paralysed and unable to make any decisions. I truly want him to grow and spread his wings and embody all of the amazing potential I see in him, but I don't want him to get hurt. And I don't have a role model to look to, I don't know what this stage of parenting looks like, when the child has a say as well as the parent (they've always had a say/opinion, our house isn't a dictatorship! I mean that weight of their opinion has definitely increased). I'm scared he'll just rebel and hide things from me, in the way I did from my own mother because I was scared of the consequences.

I feel like everywhere I turn is a wrong decision. And how do I know which wrong decision will have lasting repercussions??

[square]

I admire what you've done, and can definitely see how unhelpful it was for you to be so restricted and then dumped out into the world.

The difference is this: you are guiding him step by step into the world. At 10, he does not need, and should not have, full access to everything. That's not at all the same as what you experienced, which was the equivilent of being told "no Roblox, no iPad period, under this roof, ever."

I don't have Roblox or Fortnite experience, so I can't comment on these except to say your son probably has been exposed to them via his friends. But that doesn't mean he needs to have them this year.

And when you do allow them, you'll have reasonable boundaries like limits on screen time and game play, homework and chores come first, etc.

Those games are really addictive and suck up time and productivity. TikTok and other stuff too.

My DD is 19 and I was similarly restrictive on screens - in the sense that she had lots of access but less that her peers. Over time she did get more and more access. She is currently satisfied with how she was raised in this way.

So whatever your restrictions are, they will evolve as he ages, as things change in the tech landscape, etc. You are doing well to both equip him to be able to play offscreen and be productive, but also allow him to engage in the spaces where his peers are, with limitations.

[bloomie]

Generic_Username - I am just so touched by your post. You express sensitivity and compassion for your child and self awareness of how the iron grip and authoritarian atmosphere you grew up in complicates your thinking with all of this.

More and more, studies support you limiting and delaying - like you have done and are doing - access to screens and powerful computers, like an iPhone or ipad, is far healthier for your children. You are doing great.

I am a mom and grandparent and I grew up in a strict, religious home where even playing Go Fish with playing cards was a gateway to gambling... and a sin.

So, I know your mother sounds even more strict and restrictive than my own parents, but I get a sense of where you are coming from. Second guessing ourselves makes a lot of sense given the lack of role models.

I bet, by now, having a 10 year old, you have realized that so much of parenting is common sense. Whatever development stage you have so far encountered you have to had think through when introducing foods, activities, stimulus, even people and places were age appropriate for your kiddos.

This is no different. The goal is to protect and guide and love them enough to reasonably limit the use of a powerful device as you and your partner have agreed is best and right for your child.

Do you and your partner have other parents you trust and admire, a bit older couple you are around who are wise and a bit further down the road, people who you can go to and run things or ask for help with the decisions you are feeling uncertain about?

I hope you can grow strong in trusting yourself and are able to be okay with a bit of uncertainty as you go and with your child's occasional disappointment with the limits you put in place out of love.

This is what healthy, loving, parenting looks like! Bravo!

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello,

Fellow parent here of a child familiar with online gaming. I said no to Roblox and Fortnite specifically as well. I know lots of parents let their kids play those but I said no.

Good advice shared here already. At 10 years old, he wants to do what his friends are doing, and you have to decide which games he can play and for how long. You're right to be involved in knowing what he's doing online.

My suggestion is to talk to a counsellor or therapist about what they think, and see if you agree with them or not. It will be helpful for you to talk about the criteria you use to decide on what you will permit for your child at this age, and the next ages, 11 and 12 (tweens).

It's a challenge when we had parents who made irrational decisions about our options as children, and took away options based on their own (maybe selfish, maybe fear based) views. I had some of that too.

I remember those years of parenting where you are at, where my child was not old enough to understand my reasons for my 'no' yet. It's hard. You do get through it and as they age they will understand your 'no' - but for now you are supported here with this 'no' to Roblox and Fortnite. There are other, safer, more creative games for kids to enjoy.

My other advice is, regarding screens and kids - it's a challenge for all parents I think. Keep them as involved as you can, in any other non-screen activity they enjoy. Any non-screen activity they have interest in, or have peers to play with outside, I would encourage that as much as you can.

Trees

[Generic_Username]

Thank you for your thoughtful replies, they are genuinely reassuring. I've definitely found myself falling into a spiral of overthinking.

I have a very visceral need for my son to understand the logic behind a decision, so that he feels included and respected - two things that were very much lacking in my own upbringing. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've said "because I said so" to all 3 children. I think this scenario is slightly different to others I've faced because it's quite a sudden exciting change, and he's not settling for my explanation, if anything he's just asking more!

Do you and your partner have other parents you trust and admire, a bit older couple you are around who are wise and a bit further down the road, people who you can go to and run things or ask for help with the decisions you are feeling uncertain about?

Unfortunately I don't. Some of my friends have children, but they're mainly younger than mine or they have very different views.

If I had any parenting queries along the years I would seek out parenting forums or websites and do some research. As much as there would be varying advice, generally there would be an overall theme that I would agree with and adapt it to our family view. I think this has overwhelmed me because I'm realising that as children get older everything is so much more nuanced and where there would be 2 or 3 opinions on weaning or potty training, there seems to be infinite opinions on internet safety or at what age your child can walk to the shops!

Thank you Treesgrowslowly for your advice. We are definitely trying to keep his non-screen activities interesting and he's just joined a club where 10 is the minimum age (I'm not going to say what it is as it's quite specific, just in case). So needless to say he feels very grown up and excited, and hopefully the new adventure will keep him entertained in real life as well!

[Call Me Cordelia]

I love this whole thread and relate so much to all of it. We can get real clear on principles, and the application actually has a lot of freedom and flexibility and figuring out what works for you. Such a journey.

That said, kids definitely do need hierarchy and authority, and you can't fully explain every little decision because they just won't have the necessary context or experience. I just wanted to leave one idea I find so so helpful. So many times I have said to my child, "Dad and I think this is the right choice for us right now. I'm going to need you to trust us on this. I love you."

And then YOU trust you too!

[treesgrowslowly]

Thank you for your thoughtful replies, they are genuinely reassuring. I've definitely found myself falling into a spiral of overthinking.

I have a very visceral need for my son to understand the logic behind a decision, so that he feels included and respected - two things that were very much lacking in my own upbringing. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've said "because I said so" to all 3 children.
 

Hi again,

What you wrote here is important. I had terrible parenting as well. The deeper issue, is for us to see that how we feel included and how children feel respected. Like you said, it is important to you that your children feel included and respected, and because of how you were raised, you know how it feels to lack that experience.

I had a therapist once tell me that people like us - whose parents had not taken good care of us and didn't provide the guidance and care we needed during childhood, often make excellent parents ourselves because we KNOW what is missing and how important it is. Maybe that will bolster you right now to hear that from us here.

Your memories of being invalidated or disrespected by your parents, are seared in, as are mine. The times when we are tired and tell our kids something such as, "its time for bed, no more tv", and we rush them off to bed without much patience, are not the same thing as what we experienced. When an abusive parent does that, it is part of a pattern of never -ending disconnect for the child because that child lives without moments of real safety with a mature loving adult. But your kids do have that and they experience it over and over. Your concern about the screen time shows that.

I remember when I realized that I thought more about my child's needs in one day, than my parents had considered in my entire 18 years of childhood. It was a big revelation to me, that they simply never thought about me as a person with needs. They couldn't think from that angle. I really don't have one memory of them acting on an awareness of what is appropriate for my age, or what will enrich my development. It was only about them. You and I and others here are not subjecting our children to that.

People your age with kids, who had decent parents themselves, may not have a clue what you are trying to talk to them about. I've met so many people who simply do what their parents did - which doesn't work for us but we are figuring it out.

Trees

[walking on broken glass]

I am not a parent but I just wanted to interject to say how wonderful it is that you, @generic username, and all of you, are being so thoughtful and caring and respectful of your kids. This is how parenting should be.

[Generic_Username]

People your age with kids, who had decent parents themselves, may not have a clue what you are trying to talk to them about. I've met so many people who simply do what their parents did - which doesn't work for us but we are figuring it out.

Trees

This is so true. I've had some conversations with colleagues at work, of varying ages and various aged children and I've found it so hard to articulate why I'm struggling and why I don't know the answer.

It's not fair on them (or me!) to traumadump all over them, but context is just so important.

Conversely, the replies I've had and the reassurances I've been given here have really helped me feel validated in my feelings. I'm very much solution/resolution orientated, so having this being somewhat open ended is also uncomfortable for me. But I can more clearer see the path I'm aiming for, so thank you 

[treesgrowslowly]

Yes. Many of us have had lots of experiences we can share and how we figured out parenting is a great topic. Very important.

What is being pointed out by more and more trauma therapists, is that those people you are talking to - some of them had PD parents and are not ready to come out of denial yet. If you tell them what you experienced, they will have a reaction based on where they are in their FOG process / denial.

The ideal is to meet someone who gets it and has already come to some of the same realizations you have but those people are rare, and they are not going to disclose during casual conversation. Making it hard for us to find our way to the conversations we need the most! That is one way that therapy sessions can help, it can be a place for us to explore what it is we want to say to people and what we want to learn.

I see us as first generation survivors, who are making things right side up for our kids, who will be 2nd generation survivors of PD abuse. Our kids may never know the extent to which we had to learn on the go, to parent them, while figuring out what it means to be sandwiched between parents who couldn't nurture us, or protect us, and be the ones who are nurturing and protecting them. I've had many many moments where I reach out and what I'm reaching for is someone to nurture and protect me. Because in this intergenerational chain, that is missing right? You're giving your energy to your kids, so they have a childhood, but our childhood was not like theirs and they won't know this until they are well into adulthood. They can't. They will only know the childhood you give them, which is where they got to be kids because a caring adult wanted them to be children, not 'parentified' mini adults (which is what I was, and maybe you were too).

I had to learn the hard way, none of this makes its way into casual conversations with people irl, maybe the rare moment where someone really enlightened can understand what you are trying to talk about. But mostly you can just know that you are doing what most parents should be doing which is learning how childhood works. I agree with you, as the kids get older, there are fewer and fewer conversations about our parenting decisions because when they are small, people will talk about which baby food they bought and why, but after a certain age all of that changes right?

I also think that lot of us survivors are thoughtful people who aim to protect our children from being rushed through childhood - because we know what can go wrong when children don't get thoughtful parenting. I'm glad you found this forum.

Trees