Need talking down I think!

[Serendipity12]

Hello all. It has been a while since I last posted.  NC with unNPD mother and flying monkey sister since 2016 and over time things have really got better. I still don't regret the decision, I know that it was the right one when I look at the long history of abuse, including being told that I should have been aborted etc. etc., never being able to do anything right and mad triangulation with everyone else in the family.  I am the youngest by quite a way so the well was already poisoned and there was never anything I was going to be able to do. 
But this xmas, for some reason, has really hit me hard.

The thing is, my mother's triangulation and bare faced lies meant that I was never allowed to have a decent relationship with anyone in the birth family and relations between them all are usually fraught too.  But I did have a good, if civilly distant, relationship with my aunt (mother's sister) who had lies told about her too and generally understood where I was coming from.  We don't talk about it much, we keep it light, and meet up or speak on the phone every few months or so.  She and her husband, my uncle are elderly and are increasingly having health issues and I always offer to help with lifts to medical appointments etc, but they are quite independent and I don't want to be pushy.  I sent them a Xmas gift and aunt rang just before Xmas day to say thanks, we had a lovely chat for about half an hour, but no card from them this Xmas. Nada. This is the first time this has happened since we have been back properly in contact and now I'm wondering whether my mother or sis is back in touch and doing their smear campaign. When I think about this I just can't help but feel like crying ang giving up. I am a grown woman with a family and friends of my own and yet I feel desperate to make and keep some sort of birth family connections.  While I might seem paranoid this is just the kind of thing that my mother does,  she even keeps people apart from their own relatives when they are dying in hospital. While telling them lies all the time.  I just feel so unexpectedly, desperately sad.  I have no idea whether to just step back and not contact my aunt for a while in case I seem desperate, or whether I am over-reacting and she forgot.  Either way the fact that my mothers pd still has this effect makes me completely livid as well.  My head is spinning. I have been blindsided by this feeling and am finding it hard to move forward.

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, Serendipity,

I am so sorry you are having these feelings of sadness and head-spinning.  It is amazing that, even when we aren't in contact with our toxic FOO members, they tend to take up a lot of our head space, don't they? 

As far as your aunt, there could be any number of things going on.  You mentioned that she is elderly.  Could dementia or even just normal age-related forgetfulness have played a part in her forgetting a card this year?  How about financial, physical limitations (buying the card, getting to the post office, etc).  I would try not to read too much into it.  Just contact her again in the normal amount of time as you usually do in the relationship.  Of course, with PD families, there is always a chance your mother or sister were involved, but there's no point in getting worked up over it right now.  You will know in time if something has changed with your aunt.  Your long-term positive relationship with her says a lot. Try to face forward and focus on the present and what you can do right now to feel better.  Schedule time with a close friend?  A walk in nature?  Focus on work/projects? 

Hang in there.  The spinning will stop eventually!   

[Serendipity12]

Thanks TimetoHeal.  I was due (sort of) to call her today in any case and it turns out that she is now in contact with my npd mother.  Apparently by phone.  I didn't quiz her on it, just sort of asked who she caught up with over Xmas in a casual way while sharing news.  She says that she doesn't pass on news of me (although I didn't ask her) and it is clear that she feels awkward as she even said that she didn't think that she and I talking would 'go down well' with npd mum, although it is always lovely talking to me apparently and I am still her niece etc etc.  She also echoed some really triggering stuff about how my flying monkey sister works sooooo hard and is 'soooo kind' although apprently they don't really see each other. And I don't really have anything to worry about with my kids, by comparison.  I do think the card might have been an oversight but the rest of it has just left me feeling like an abandoned child all over again.  For the record my flying monkey sister has always been the golden child and my father justified walking out on my npd mother and me when I was 9 (whilst he had stayed for my older sisters) by saying 'I knew YOU'D be alright.' I am so far from alright just now. Feel completely overwhelmed. All the time I was trying to tell myself that I was paranoid I should have known better. I really allowed myself and my kids to think that the relationship with my aunt and uncle was precious.

[bloomie]

Serendipity12 - I had just posted a reply at the same time as your latest update and scrapped it as it didn't consider this new information.

This has to be unsettling and disheartening for you. I am so sad to hear that your aunt is in contact with your mother and seems sympathetic to your sister in ways that have to be uncomfortable.

I am wondering if your aunt being in contact with your mother by phone negates the relationship being precious? It seems you and your aunt have shown each other kindness and support and it is well received on either end.

This new info may help you to know to be very circumspect about what you share for sure, but do you feel betrayed by your aunt in some way with this reconnection between your mother and aunt?

[Serendipity12]

Thanks for your replies. I wouldn't say that I feel betrayed exactly, I never actually asked my aunt if she was still in contact but when we picked up chatting and a good relationship several years ago she volunteered the information that she wasn't, and in fact once said that she would want to hold my npd mother accountable for some things that had happened between the two of them if she ever spoke to her again, so I was assuming but not presuming, if that makes sense.  What hurts is my feeling that something had subtly changed has coincided with this new information and I can feel this relationship slipping away due to pressure and smear campaigns from my npd m. It actually physically hurts, my children, husband and I had said how grateful we were for my aunt and uncle and now here we are.  It is so awful when paranoia turns out to be right and it feels like the npd person poisons everything...

[Rebel13]

I'm so sorry for your struggle. It echoes a lot of my feelings about my own family. I'm really only in contact with my father, who has the beginnings of dementia. He often praises my golden-child brother and marvels at all the things he does.  (My brother is the "driven" type if you've read Lindsay Gibson's work.) That hurts so much. I still have to work hard at letting it go, and I am also in my 50s.

I hope you can figure out some ways to care for yourself in the face of the feelings of pain and loss. I've been looking into ways of coping with rejection lately (in another context) and one podcast I listened to mentioned mindfulness, prosocial behavior, and spending time in nature as helpful strategies. If there are other things that help you feel comforted I hope you can do them, to ease yourself gently through this time of extra-strong feelings.

[Serendipity12]

Thanks Rebel13.  I will look into Lindsay Gibson.  I think I need to step away from needing the relationship with my aunt and uncle but I need to try not to loose faith in people completely.  There is this drive to isolate at times like these which I'm sure is not healthy and I need to work against shutting myself away too much, so I will try more prosocial behaviours too. If anyone has any more tips for getting through these feelings when they ambush us after a long timeI would be so grateful.

[TimetoHeal]

Oh, Serendipity,

I just read your update, and I am so disheartened for you.  Your gut was right, huh?  I am so sorry!  I think I would probably feel betrayed to some degree as well if I were in your situation.  It always makes me uncomfortable when people who know about my relationship with my mother and even support me, make contact with her for one reason or another, and sometimes even comment about how kind and generous she is.  Because of course, her public persona is so different from the person I know. 

How interesting that they have resumed contact after a time of no contact, and that what your aunt said before about "holding your mother accountable" is just out the window.  Not that you can ever hold a PD person accountable in any meaningful way anyhow...She must feel torn, evidenced by her comment about "it not going down well" if your mother knew she was talking to you.   

I think I would step away for a minute and just see how it plays out.  After talking to your mother a while, she may remember all the reasons she was not in touch with her to begin with.  Or, she may not...we can't control what other people do.  But, yes, I know it hurts.

I love Rebel's idea of having coping strategies that help you to feel better in your situation.  It's good to have them "at the ready" when things like this come up.  I recently had some drama with my mother, and found it helped to sit down and write a list of "Things I Can Do Immediately to Feel Better". Yes, getting outside and in nature was #1!!  Talking to a friend, #2!  Keep your own list and you can add to it over time.  Also, we're all here for you. 

[Serendipity12]

Thank you so much all.  It helps just to know that other people out there 'get it' and I'm loving the strategies and tips.  I am definitely stepping away for now, I can't control others' actions, just my reactions, and while I'm sad this has happened we all know the npd playbook, so it was always a possibility.  I will focus on strategies to get me and Milne through this now.