Trying to stay above water

[a-non-y-mous]

Hi,

I'm looking for support trying to navigate a relationship with my sibling with BPD who has steadily and quickly declined in their mental and physical health, particularly over the last year amidst a significant milestone occurring in my life.

I've dealt with the ups and downs with my sibling for over 30 years and I'm absolutely exhausted and defeated. The most recent interaction was receiving a 20+ paragraph grievance letter of everything I have done to wrong my sibling over the last year. It mainly focuses on many positive events in my life being triggering to them. Ultimately, they've deemed me unsupportive and distrustful, despite me doing nothing but offer support, validate their feelings, try to help them identify what support they are even asking of me, setting boundaries when they cross a line, etc.

I'm just at my wits end. I have tried to use different communication strategies, educated myself extensively on PDs, gone to therapy with a therapist specialized in PDs and family systems work, used "medium chill" responses, created physical distance, etc. and nothing has been effective in stopping these attacks against me. I'm so scared about going no contact because I worry it will impact my relationships with my parents.

I'm genuinely terrified to respond to my sibling's most recent message. Luckily, I see my therapist tomorrow for more debriefing and planning a response, but any advice on what to do at this point?

Also, if you went no contact with a sibling with a PD, what helped you make that decision? What did you wish you would have known at the time of going no contact that you know now?

Advice, validation, questions are all welcomed. Thank you for welcoming me to this community!

-A-non-y-mous

[SonofThunder]

Hi a-non-y-mous,

A warm welcome to Out of the FOG. Im sorry to read you are having such difficulty in a relationship with your PD sibling.

Reading your post, you've done much work in attempting to have a relationship with your sibling, but with no satisfaction.  I have not gone NC with my sibling, but did go NC with a parent for a period of necessary time.  You already mentioned boundaries, so I will focus my reply a bit on that topic. 

You wrote:

"I have tried to use different communication strategies, educated myself extensively on PDs, gone to therapy with a therapist specialized in PDs and family systems work, used "medium chill" responses, created physical distance, etc. and nothing has been effective in stopping these attacks against me."

The non-bold parts of the quote above are excellent in themselves, but imo they do not well-align with your desire in bold. "Attacks against me" is not your action but the action of the PD.  Proper boundaries are ones that we design for our own self-protection, as we can only control our own actions and reactions, not the actions and reactions of another adult human. 

Attempting to pacify a PD enough to keep them from directing their tactics on us is about as futile at swatting at angry bees. In my experience, a PD will take whatever angle is left undefended. We may be flailing our efforts in all directions, just to end up getting a painful wallop on the backside.

Also, if you are not familiar with the Karpman drama triangle, check it out online.  Of the three roles of the triangle (Persecutor, Victim, Rescuer) I believe a PD's always-desired role is Victim. The other two roles will be orchestrated by the PD in order to bring them back home to victim.  I also consider the triangle to be like dance between two (or more) people, with the PD as the lead, in order to dance their desires.  Our job is to stop dancing altogether and depart the dance floor, not attempt to muscle different dance steps against the desires of a skilled PD. 

NC is sometimes a necessary boundary, just like a concrete barrier put up for road repair to protect workers.  The concrete is non-selective, and everyone must go around, so if NC of your sibling for your own self-protection also alienates your parents affections toward you, that's their adult problem, not yours; you are just the road worker who desires solid protection. 

Again the non-bold parts of your quote are by themselves great to have in your toolbox, but they're not helping to accomplish your goals of self-protection.  They will never stop "...these attacks against me." 

Based on the methods and maneuvers your PD sibling is taking, it sounds like NC is a good step in self protection.  NC is not a designed boundary to punish another, but protect ourselves, just like that concrete barrier.  Those that run into your concrete of NC may indeed feel punished, but again thats their problem, because our motive should not be to punish and we should rest in our good and proper motives.  If your parents believe you are punishing your sibling, you're not, so thats their problem.  If they feel punished also, again their problem.  Motive is everything.

Again, welcome to Out of the FOG and I wish you the best in putting up all the protective barriers you need.  See you around the boards,

SoT

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi, and welcome. That does sound so exhausting and awful. You are certainly in the right place and among friends who understand here. I've gotten a couple of those poisonous letters myself.

If you're truly that awful, unsupportive, and distrustful, I wonder why sibling would be spending so much of her limited resources on you. If she's in poor health and you trigger her so badly, my take is arguing with her isn't going to help matters any. Sometimes the best response is no response.

As to going NC, you don't necessarily need to make any kind of momentous decision there. Responding or not to this latest can be a stand alone choice. If you are at the point where you are just done for good, you will know.

I'll second what SOT said about your boundaries being for you, and not punishing anyone. You very well may experience other people, such as your parents, having a problem with your boundaries. That really is their problem and not your responsibility. Acting to appease them, your sibling, or anybody else in the family evidently isn't working for you. There will be a price to pay no matter what you choose in a disordered family system, unfortunately.

For context, I'm NC with both my FOO and my in-law family. With my in-laws it was me and kids NC with my uPDMIL and FIL until some very clear and basic conditions were met. My husband's aunt saw fit to demand that we "forgive" immediately, or we'd be cut off by the entire family. Well, that's exactly what happened. Funny how forgiveness was a one-way street. And funny how the abusive people weren't the ones to be punished. I have no regrets.

[Rebel13]

Hi a-non-y-mous! There's already great thoughts and suggestions here. I just want to add a couple small thoughts.

1. Whatever your sibling's difficulties are, they most likely don't have much if anything to do with you. In my own experience, my sibling doesn't have a PD (that I know of) but he was my parents' golden child, and as such, I still have some resentments towards him. However, the fact that my parents selected him for that kind of positive attention, while making me their scapegoat, isn't his fault at all! So I work hard to separate what happened in our childhood from how we manage our relationship as adults. Unfortunately it sounds like your sibling might not have the level of insight and discernment needed to handle your relationship in a mature way.
2. If you are not wanting to institute no-contact, or you are concerned about the fallout, you might consider some other measures that could protect you. For example, limiting contact with your sibling to ways that are easier to handle. For example, if you received a letter, maybe you could ask your partner or a trusted friend to read it for you and let you know about any important information. This is how I handle (now-rare) contacts from my mother. This way, if there's a crisis or other urgent info, I will know about it, but I am protected from drama, guilt trips, wild accusations, verbal abuse and whatnot that is inevitably included in these communications. You could also block your sibling on certain media -- like, say, phone and text, so that you can't be surprised out of nowhere by a contact -- but accept email or snail mail contacts since you could handle those with the help of someone else, or at least have time to prepare to process them when you are ready and not in the middle of a busy day.

I wish you the best! This is definitely a difficult situation and I hope you can find some ways to give yourself some peace about it.