Getting back in touch with unwell N mother?

[Therivercontinueson]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well. I am looking for a bit of advice...

I have been no contact with my family for 1.5 years now, particularly as the issue lies with my mother whom the family centers around. She is the most narcissistic of them all, but there are also issues with my father who enables her behavior as do my two siblings - this has essentially created a toxic situation where the four of them (in addition to my siblings' spouses and children) all live together in one house.

I had moved out of that house and abroad 6 years ago and stopped speaking to them about a year and a half ago. My life has improved tremendously since going no contact, especially in regard to my own emotional regulation, depression, mental health, and finally seeing my life as my own after the toxic enmeshment.

Unfortunately however I recently received a email from my sister a few weeks ago, saying that my mother's health is very bad and the doctors think she might have a "terminal condition", however she didn't specify what that was. I then received an email from my father yesterday who in a disjointed way told me: "we need to know what you want us to do with all your things you left behind. Also your mother is in the hospital after a fall. You need to let us know if you want us to contact you if something happens to one of your parents. I implore you to get back in touch with us."

Initially this stressed me out quite a lot. While I feel a lot better being NC, and I believe it saved my life, there is still a part of me that cares from a distance, which I have accepted as just what it is. Since going NC, I actually never told them why I did - because coming out of enmeshment it truly felt terrifying and like an act of self preservation. I even thought they may come and find me or try to destroy my life somehow as an act of retaliation for "leaving the family".

My other issue is that it's very hard for me to know if our mother is actually unwell, as my family has weaponized her health in the past in order to get me to do things - such as tell me she needed an immediate surgery for cancer to get me to leave my graduate program early (she didn't have the surgery for another month, so I left early for nothing), or to generally just shift the attention around her if anyone had anything else going on that may upstage her.

However this time, I feel there might be some truth to the situation. The last time I spoke to my mother (before I went NC a year and a half ago) she mentioned she was having neurological issues that she hasn't been able to solve, and the last time I saw her then she seemed exceedingly fragile and looked a lot older than I remembered, and I remember thinking to myself, "oh she may actually die one day". This actually somewhat made me feel less terrified in her presence. She seemed so weak and I felt I finally had the power I never had - she could try to ruin my life or control me but in the end I had resources from my new life abroad to fight back if I needed to - and I did, as when I went NC there were a lot of threats, manipulative letters, calling of the police, etc. over the course of the first year. But I got through it, and then they left me alone for about 5 months, and now my mother (if they are to be believed) is apparently much worse.

I just wanted to ask for any advice on people from people whose parents may be aging away from them while they're no contact, and if there's a way to approach dealing with this that is safe?

I guess two things are probably true - my mother is unwell and they probably also want to still control me. Ideally, I would just like to know what the extent of the medical situation truly is, however it's very difficult to get a direct answer out of anyone because of the way things are often embellished and lies are told as a means of manipulation.

On the other side, maybe there is a way I can approach this like a mature adult, write them a letter saying to keep me updated with the basics (knowing it will be embellished), and stay up to date that way - although this essentially opens me back up to LC?

Unfortunately however, this would tie me back in. What would I even do with that information? It's not like I'd go back and help, but there is a part of me that wants to know, to not let it blindside me. Maybe there is a part of me that doesn't want to have my mother die without telling her how I feel?

I wonder if a letter to them explaining why I went NC would give me any closure. I do feel a bit guilty I never told them why, and I know I would feel bad if my mother died without having that conversation with her. I know she will probably not respond to it the way I needed (nothing can make up for what she did through my life), but there is a part of me that needs to know I tried, I guess? If she is terrible in response, so be it, but what if she isn't? I know this is the child in me hoping, but is this something I need to try? Maybe I am jumping the gun right now - they haven't explicity told me she is dying - but I know this is something that will need to be faced someday...

Has anyone been in a situation like this and have any suggestions?.

[Rebel13]

Hello, Therivercontinueson,

From what you have written, it sounds to me like you are doing a really good job of thinking through the situation for yourself. In particular, the question "what would I do with the information?" and the knowledge that, right now at least, you are feeling like you want to have a particular conversation with your mom, seem very important. I would not jump into action, but I think you are well on the way to figuring out your options and what is going to work best for you.

I last interacted with my mom, who is in her 80s, over a year and a half ago. It had been a long, long road to that point, which I know you will understand without me going into detail here. During our last interaction, I felt strongly that I was "done" -- that her behavior was the same as it has always been towards me, that I had tried my hardest for most of my life to have a good relationship with her, and there was nothing else I could do. She wasn't going to change, and I wasn't going to accept any more tantrums, drama, scapegoating and disregard for my feelings. The feeling of doneness hasn't changed, and though my (VLC) brother occasionally contacts me to tell me news about my mom's situation (particularly when she is weaponizing medical conditions for attention), I reply "Thanks for letting me know." if a reply is necessary at all. That level of contact feels fine to me.

It sounds like you might want to try out more contact and see how it goes, which is completely understandable. I would just keep in mind the knowledge that you already have, that your mom or the rest of your family could be using her condition to manipulate you, and that you may not be able to get the truth about her situation from them. Is it possible that you could contact the facility where she is, to try to get more accurate information? I don't know what the rules and laws about that might be where she is.

I might also suggest you consider writing the letter, or writing out the conversation you'd like to have with your mom, and contemplating it for a while without sending. You might learn more about your wishes and needs from that process.

In another thread here recently, someone suggested using the tools in the Toolbox section of the site to make a "checklist" of sorts. I thought this was a great idea, to help keep the focus on interacting with your family in ways that work for you and to help you spot obnoxious behavior as it happens, instead of getting sucked in and then realizing only later that they "gotcha" once again.

Wishing you the best with this tough situation. There's no right answer, and it sounds like you are asking all the right questions.

[bloomie]

when I went NC there were a lot of threats, manipulative letters, calling of the police, etc. over the course of the first year. But I got through it,

Therivercontinueson - I wondered, as I read this description of what you went through to distance yourself from your family, if you have journals or some kind of record of what this was truly like for you to help remind you as you make decisions about reengaging? Because, this sounds awful and like you suffered a lot to break free.

I tend to be one that struggles with cognitive suppression, or abuse amnesia at times. A way of coping that helped me survive when I needed it as a vulnerable young person, but something that no longer serves me and can work against my own protective instincts.

Writing a letter you may never send, as Rebel13 suggests, is another way to bring a reality check as to the risks versus benefits of reengaging.

Your mother may very well be not well. Or this could be an exaggerated health or medical issue being used as a way of sucking you back into the family dynamics that you describe as "essentially created a toxic situation". See Hoover

My own experience is that there will always be something going on, or something coming along down the road a bit, legitimate or exaggerated, with certain family members. A diagnosis, an unforeseen difficulty of some kind, that compels us on an emotional level to return to fairly predictable behaviors and relationship patterns that have been toxic for us.

Sending you wisdom and clarity as you think this through and decide what is best to do.

[TimetoHeal]

I echo everything Rebel and Bloomie said!  You are being so smart in thinking this through before you make any decisions.  I think that is so important, because the PD people in our lives seem to use "emergency situations" (often with a hint of truth and much embellishment) to make us act before we think.  To catch us off guard.  Ask me how I know??   

I would keep really taking your time before you decide whether or not to respond. Also, because you mentioned the history of threats and police action, I would advise NOT giving away any of your personal contact information:  where you live, phone number, place of employment, anything like that. 

This really is a tough situation, and like Bloomie said, it will ALWAYS be something.  So think of this like  training for future instances.  Hugs.   

Also, it always amazes me in reading posts here how many people have gone abroad at least in part to put a massive distance between themselves and their FOO.  That says a lot, doesn't it?