Co-Parenting a transitioning child with PD

[ShadowChaser]

Hello! I am new here. Thank you for reading.
I have a child that is just coming out as trans. I have some concerns about the process and about their safety but am generally supportive and encouraging. Their other parent - diagnosed with Borderline Pers. Disorder - is rabidly opposed to the transition, supposedly for physical mental and emotional health reasons.
I understand those concerns. However, we have not been able to have a civil conversation about how to move forward. I resigned to the next step being family therapy, but they and I are on such different sides of this that I am afraid that family counseling will not only not be productive, but that it might make things worse.

Any experience with this situation would be appreciated! Please, no trans bashing.
Thank you in advance.

[bloomie]

ShadowChaser - Hi, and welcome to Out of the FOG. Thank you for trusting us with the a bit about the complex issues you and your child are facing. We focus here on dysfunctional and disordered behaviors that we encounter with a family member or a co parent and with that in mind, the toolbox above may be a great jumping in place as it focuses on what we can and cannot be helpful in response to specific behaviors.

We also have book recommendations that deal with co parenting found here: https://outofthefog.website/books-separating-divorcing that might be of help in a general sense.

Take some time and look around, read through the past threads in this sub forum and all over the forum boards to see if the insights of others will be of help to you.

[ShadowChaser]

@bloomie thank you! I'll check out the resources you recommended and try to learn how to use this place, what I can and can't expect.

[Penny Lane]

Hi and welcome. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, and I'm glad you're here.

Oof. This is so, so hard. I want you to know that you're in an absolutely impossible situation, and even if you do everything exactly perfectly, your ex is still likely to misbehave and make your kid's life worse. All you can do is your best, with the information you have at hand.

It sounds like you are relatively early in your separation, and if not, forgive me if I'm saying things you already know.

I don't think you're ever going to have a civil conversation about how to move forward. I can count on one hand the number of times my DH has had a civil, productive conversation with his ex in more than a decade. Truthfully, they've never been able to come to any kind of an agreement of understanding about the big stuff. Even major things that he thought they agreed on (like shared values) she has changed her mind based on whatever is happening in her life at the time.

That's not to say you shouldn't try every avenue to get your ex on board, including counseling - although I share your concerns that counseling will be detrimental. At the least I would suggest that you don't subject your kid to the shitshow that it's likely to be, at least at first.

My stepkids' NPD mom pretty much tries to block every single kind of healthcare they receive. I'm not totally sure why - maybe it's about money? I don't think she keeps up with her own healthcare, so maybe that explains it.

Nonetheless I will tell you what my husband does: He just gets healthcare for the kids. Doctors visits, specialists, therapists, etc. She will often complain that it's unnecessary or whatever,  but she doesn't actually prevent the visit from happening.

What I'm coming around to is this: Your kid is their own person. Their parent can't actually control whether they transition. I would get really clear in your head two things. What can your kid control? And what can you control?

Your kid can wear gender appropriate clothing without their other parent's permission (at least at your house). Your kid can ask their friends to call them their new name. They can cut their hair the way they want it. And so on.

For you, this depends on your legal situation. You can certainly allow them to do whatever you feel is appropriate at your home. Depending on your court order, you might be able to authorize medical treatment without your ex's permission. You can absolutely make your home a safe space where they can express their gender, not be misgendered, etc.

This consideration includes, what would a judge do? And is your ex likely to take you to court over this? I would not be certain that a judge would rule in favor of the parent helping a kid transition (depending on where you are), so one priority is definitely to try to keep this out of court.

Where this could end up: Your kid will transition, for all intents and purposes, at your house. They might have to partially de-transition at the other parent's house (be called the wrong name, be forced to wear the wrong clothing, and so on). This will probably be really hard for your kid. But it won't be as hard as having to stay in the closet all the time. You might have to remind them that this is temporary, once they're an adult they can do what they want and in fact they don't have to have a relationship with their other parent. As they get older their relationship will evolve naturally anyway.

In short, I think you should drop the rope with your ex. At least with my DH's ex, she always wants to fight. Once he stops fighting with her, she sometimes comes around. And even if she doesn't, at least they're not fighting and he can focus his attention on providing peace for his children.

I hope this helps! All the internet hugs you want to you in this very tough time. I hope you can build some peace and stability for your child during this very fragile time.