Hello

[Eggshells]

I've been lurking for a bit, mostly too exhausted to post since sleepless late nights are my only real time to mentally escape, and also a bit paranoid about staying anonymous for fear of discovery and digital footprint, but things are getting to the point where I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel so isolated and alone and need to vent and just have some sort of support network, even if it is just digital.

I'm in my mid 50s, I have PTSD from childhood emotional abuse and trauma, I am a highly functioning, late diagnosed autistic and recently determined that I have mild Tourette's. My wife is undiagnosed and refuses therapy but I'm positive she has BPD. I've experienced it before in my past (step parent) so I recognize the signs, as well as my old therapist pretty much confirmed it. She splits every other week or so and gets really emotionally abusive. Her anger and emotional abuse stays on red for days until she crashes. I'm sure I don't need to explain, as by reading all of your posts, you all are well aware of how it rolls..

I'm American but I live in Europe and it is really hard for me here. (my wife who is European refuses to move) we have 2 kids still in school, her family is here and available, while my family has either passed away or not really stable enough to help out with the kids so I've basically been stuck here trying to both maintain a job, keep the home climate under control to protect the kids and just try to maintain some kind of sense of normal for them, meanwhile my wife flip-flops between perfect mother and raging lunatic.

We've both been working on our issues, she's trying holistic approaches while I've been doing heavy therapy and diagnoses for my neurodivergence but it seems like it just never ends. The cycle of abuse gets better, then rolls around and life is miserable. Being autistic, married to a BPD is like some sort of horrible combination curse.

My only saving grace was always that I had a job and was always the main bread winner so I at least had the self confidence to know that regardless of my neurodivergent challenges and shakey home life, I at least had some security. Recently I got laid off (economic reasons, not my fault) so things have really taken a turn for the worse.

My job was a safe place to escape during the day as well as a safety net in case things became so bad I might need to get away from the abuse. Now, until I can find something, and get some security back, my sense of self esteem, confidence and energy are pretty much shot.

Anyway... She split tonight and raged at me about some ridiculous thing and I was sitting there stunned in disbelief by yet another random, attack wondering if there is some sort of list of validations that anyone uses in times like these that I can keep close to maybe scroll over to help keep myself grounded when I am sitting there paralyzed under yet another rage onslaught. I looked in the toolbox but didn't find anything?

Anyway, I'm just venting, but I also want to say hello and I'm glad I found this forum. Lots of great advice and resources. I tried a few Facebook groups but I was too worried about getting discovered. Happy to be here.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I am glad you found us. You are amongst people who understand.

Have you checked out the Toolbox yet? Get familiar with the strategies there and start implementing them.

I remember what you described very well. Sitting there frozen, almost paralysed and being yelled at, being devalued, abused, and just waiting for it to stop. The first time I got up and left the room, then the house, then the yard while my NPDh followed me yelling, my legs almost buckled for fear. Then I sat in my car in a parking lot, waiting for my nerves to calm down. It was such a revelation, to understand that I had NO control over how he behaved, but I had control over if I stuck around for it.

There is a book I found very helpful "Stop caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist" by Fjelstad.

See you around on the boards.

[Eggshells]

Have you checked out the Toolbox yet?

Thanks. For some reason I wasn't realizing that the Yellow bolded text items in the toolbox were clickable, so there is actually more deeper info. These are very helpful.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Eggshells,

First another warm welcome to Out of the FOG!  So glad you decided to sign up and hike the trails with us!  What you are living with sounds excruciating. As you stated, the combination of a bpd spouse, autism, kids and other large responsibilities along with your recent job situation is a very heavy load.

Your post was very well written and you come across to me as a well organized person who researches and educates on matters of concern, and if that is correct about you, those are tremendous advantages.  Now that you realize the Toolbox tab is full of clickable terminology, I recommend you pitch your tent at that tab.  Continue to venture out on the trails we all walk together by joining in on the campfire conversations around the different forum boards, but imo it's always good to come back home to the Toolbox. 

While you are at that tab, you may find it advantageous to slide one tab to the left.  The Personality Disorders tab has a drop down to the top 100 traits and like the toolbox tools, they are clickable terms.  I like to assign (in a private journal) proper traits from the top 100 list to what I am experiencing from my PD person and think about the tools that would be combined in their use to best protect myself, and also to potentially shorten both the duration and intensity of a future similar situation. 

Looking forward to interacting with you on the forum!  Again welcome to Out of the FOG and see you around the boards. 

SoT