All The Love

[Hepatica]

Hey everyone. It's been a long time. I've been doing well really, so there's hope out there that a peace can be found in this process. Unfortunately the beast has returned to try to drag me down the PD hole again.

The only way I've been able to cope is to go dark. Literally shut the blinds and live my life as peacefully as possible and avoid everything to do with the family members who bring me such a terrible amount of grief when I remained in contact with them.

But here I am again battling with guilt. One parent in hospital, surrounded by a fawning group of family members. Me the stubborn outcast who refuses to enter that hospital to go thru what I went thru the last time I pushed myself to be obey. Which turned out to nearly put me in hospital by the end of it.

But here we are again. I am older, wiser and less naive. Doesn't take away the pain though. And the guilt. And the self-doubt. It seems that I am the one person, a complete minority in this need for complete distance. Which is really hard on the resolve. How could all those people be wrong and me right? I must be terrible. Right?

Then I remind myself the last time I tried to be good. (In their eyes.) How I stood in my mother's hospital room and opened my mouth when she was horrendously abusing my father, begging her to stop. And she turned her eyes on me and screamed, "You are NOT MY DAUGHTER!" Going on to say even worse things that I am going to choose not to share because I don't want to trigger anyone.

So yeah. I don't want to go to the hospital this time round. I know she's scared. I know how she hates the hospital. But I just can't help her when she does these things and I'm thrown right back to my childhood where she said similar horrendous things that gave me the worst adult C-PTSD symptoms. She had no filter then. She has no filter now.

But they all, including my sister and her husband, run to her and cater to her and find some sort of pride in it I think.

I am the only one who won't.

One of my friends encouraged me to try to see her yesterday. (Friend has normal parents. Loving parents. Doesn't get it all.) So I spiralled down into such a painful state of guilt I felt sick. Then I took a breath and finally was able to say to her - and myself.

NO. I will never put myself in the room of my psychological abusers again.

I think friend got it.

But my family doesn't get it. So here we go. Funeral worries. Should my mother die soon. Father could die any moment too. He's old. Cousin battling stage four cancer. He could die at any moment. Funerals. I will be expected to attend. Which I would want to attend should I have been fortunate to have a loving, peaceful family.

What do you even do with all this love that you just cannot give? I wan't to be like all the normal families - and I'm not kidding myself - I am sure the dysfunction is often hidden. That hidden thing though sort of spreads shame. I wish, wish we could all just be more open about this kind of grief.

I am feeling so heartbroken right now. So fragile. So sad. So scared.

Any words of encouragement will be so appreciated.

 

[moglow]

Hepatica, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I don't have advice, just know that you're not alone. "Thankfully" mommie dearest has treated her whole family so badly for so many years that none of us are swallowing the garbage at this point. She has one niece who continues to make excuses for her. That's cool. Do that if you feel so moved. Me? I just don't have excuses left for poor treatment of others, and I'm not any more likely to change than she is.

Try and remember, what others think and feel isn't your stuff and you don't have to meet their supposed expectations. I know all too well that we take a lot on ourselves because it's what we know. We're trained, for lack of a better way to state it.

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry, Hepatica. My heart goes out to you. My dad died died a few months ago and it was difficult, so I can understand how you feel. I have a similar dilemma just now, as my mum has cancer and she will have to undergo surgery soon, and I am sure both she and the extended family expects me to go there and look after her. Two of my friends, who are aware of the situation, have said to me 'you are going, right?'. It made me feel so guilty. But remember that other people tend to project their feelings onto you, and speak having their own situations in mind or what they would like others to do for them. They haven't been in you shoes and they don't know what it feels like. The other day someone was wearing a perfume my mum used to wear and a sudden feeling of fear came upon me when I smelled it. Your feelings are valid. If it helps, even if you think about this on a very logical level, your presence there wouldn't achieve anything: there is no emotional connection with your mum and the doctors take care of the practical matters. Look after yourself and pay no heed to flying monkeys!

Love never goes to waste, even if those to whom it is bestowed do not deserve it.

[Hepatica]

So nice to here from you Moglow. Thank you for your words.


walking on broken glass

Beautiful. Thank you for your kindness. I'm feeling a bit stronger today. It's very true that people, even good friends, see things from their own perspective, which I understand. But it's hard. I makes me feel lonely and misunderstood. More and more I understand how it's me who needs to get very strong and determined to stand by me and when I come across those who do really "get it" I feel seen, which is a relief, but so sad too that others carry this pain like I do. Thank you again.
[/quote]
Love never goes to waste, even if those to whom it is bestowed do not deserve it.
[/quote]

[clarityjane]

Hepatica, Please stay strong and maintain your boundaries. Protect yourself, even if you feel worn down by it all. Your post helps me in my current situation, as I came on the forum for encouragement. Recent events with my PDm have become difficult and I'm not entirely sure why. This healing roller coaster is better than the game board the PD people set up any day. Thank you for sharing and I hope you continue to persevere!

[bloomie]

Hepatica - welcome back. It is good to reach out to trusted sources of support as you work through this.

Those family members we have determined are not safe for us will go through hard things.. surgery, cancer treatment, financial strain, divorce, accidents... that doesn't change your side of the street unless you choose for it to.

Your mother seems to have both medical care and family by her side. You know she is safe and cared for. There seems to be no emergency, nothing you can offer her that she doesn't already have that is vital to her wellbeing.

Part of letting go of toxic relationships and respecting both ourselves and others is being consistent in our communication. Is it kind to only have contact with a person because they are facing some kind of difficulty? Is it consistent to go in toward a person who has emotionally abused you only when they are sick or there has been a death when we have no contact otherwise? Is love, or false guilt motivating us?

I ask because I have stumbled A LOT with this type of situation and I regret to say I have reengaged out of obligation, false guilt, hope that maybe this time things will be different, failed attempts to control what others think of me or say about me  and in doing so I have unwittingly sent false messages to myself and to others and caused confusion all around.

If you want to reengage out of a place of love with your eyes wide open knowing that not much has changed, accepting what you cannot change, because that is truly the best thing for you to do, then do it. But, don't gaslight yourself by comparing your need to keep distance with other siblings need to fawn at the bedside of a woman who seems to not be healthy enough to love you as you so deserve.

[Hepatica]

clarity jane

Thank you for your response.

This healing roller coaster is better than the game board the PD people set up any day.

Love this clarity jane. Thank you.
--

bloomie

Part of letting go of toxic relationships and respecting both ourselves and others is being consistent in our communication. Is it kind to only have contact with a person because they are facing some kind of difficulty? Is it consistent to go in toward a person who has emotionally abused you only when they are sick or there has been a death when we have no contact otherwise? Is love, or false guilt motivating us?

Excellent. I hadn't thought about it this way. We are forging new ground in how we respond to these challenges. It's difficult, painful work, but I have to believe, and I do believe this work will make the world a better place. I really appreciate your wise response bloomie. Thank you so much.

[treesgrowslowly]

 

Hello and welcome back Hepatica,

Grieving for the family we didn't get - that is brave work. For those people who do not have THIS level of misery in their FOO system, they can't really get what we are facing as our disordered relatives age. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

The family is supposed to be our support system throughout our life, the group of people we can lean on. But as we all know here in this forum, when that isn't the case, it leaves us in the lurch. So we come together here, because we understand what it means to live without a family that acts as a support system. I'm glad you are here, even if it is due to these painful circumstances right now.

I feel your yearning for a family system that isn't like this. I get it. It seems so odd that people can't get it together and act better than this. But they can't.

I think there is a lot going on when a family member, especially a parent, is ill and we are faced with the decision as to whether to be in contact or not, or whether to attend the funeral or not.

What I appreciate about this group of people in this forum is that we know that there is pain involved in keeping the boundary, and there is pain involved in letting someone back in and going to visit them or having some sort of contact. So we help each other to sort out which decisions we want to make, do we visit the parent who is now ill or do we stay NC?

The people in our life who lucked out, and do not have to face this pain, and will not have to face these painful aspects of PTSD as their parents age, can offer some things, but advice on how to manage the FOG in your FOO may not be one of those things. I'm glad that your friend eventually got it. Unless they also have C PTSD from childhood, most people don't even believe that is 'a thing'.

I've been NC for almost 20 years now and not one of my relatives - not ONE has joined me in being Out of the FOG. That feeling you described, how can we be the only one who sees what is going on here - I see you. I feel it too. It can be a lonely place to be.

At one point, I considered whether I was trying to grieve for everyone - myself, the PD parent, all the relatives in the fog, and I realized that might be C-PTSD as well. Trying to grieve for other people who I had a trauma bond with when I was a child. I don't know if that helps but sometimes, we feel this intense desire to heal ourselves and others and I think that can get stronger when one of our parents gets sick because we want them to heal before they go.

Trees