Long Story Short

[Cenerentola]

Hi!  I'm here because I have a parent with what is probably undiagnosed BPD, maybe comorbid NPD and possibly on the autism spectrum (that last is not a PD, obviously, but I mention it because it complicates the situation and relationship).

As a child and teenager my parent parentified me significantly.  As an adult, it has been expected of me that I continue to supply emotional support, comfort, socialization, and meaningful activity in my parents' life.  They also want me to pass on information from no- and low-contact siblings (which I have been refusing to do for the past few years).  Anytime I make different choices from them, whether in big areas like parenting and career or small ones like what movies to watch, it is stressful for them; and they cannot hold the stress--it ends up spilling out on me or others. Trying to navigate these expectations charitably but while also learning self-differentiation has made for a difficult past several years.  My parent is completely unaware that the parentification, etc., would count as abuse in the eyes of many people; and any discussions of their parenting history that involve criticism of their choices end in their tears--I have not initiated such a conversation in years and do not see any hope for greater change/realization on their side.

Having said all that, I do want to maintain a relationship with this parent, for a variety of reasons.  I have found that Reddit (where I have a different account under a different pseudonym) is counterproductive for me (it feels like eating junk food: tasty first bites, addictive, leaves you feeling sicker overall).  I'm hoping this forum will be a good place for me to continue learning how to navigate this relationship without losing myself or cutting off my pwBDP.

[bloomie]

Cenerentola - welcome to Out of the FOG. You describe the difficulties and challenges of the relationship with your parent so well. You have found a community of fellow travelers that understand and who can read parts of our own story in your own.

That understanding gives us a unique opportunity to support you and provide insights and resources to you as you navigate continued, respectful contact with your parent in the face of what sounds like, unreasonable expectations and demands holding you to agreements you never made.

You describe your parents' stress around your independence and autonomy as spilling out on you which may translate to an important point at which you can begin to learn to work through how to develop a different dance with them in these moments and a healthy response as you encounter what could be emotionally manipulative behaviors.

We come here to learn and grow together and to equip and empower ourselves to shift our focus from what we cannot change and control, to what we can. Our community is one of compassion and respect, understanding we will all make the choices in the most difficult and painful of relationships that are best and right for us.

The resources, book recommends, and other online videos are all gathered here for you. The toolbox above is a place you can find suggestions and help. By far, the conversations taking place on the sub forums has been like nothing else I have experienced in my own journey. Just so helpful.

I want to offer one book recommend right off and it is: Adult Children of Immature Parents, by Lindsay C. Gibson

I found it a very helpful, realistic look at the challenges of these relationships.

Take your time and look around and when you are ready, join the conversations taking place on the sub forums. Keep coming back... it helps lighten a heavy load!

[Cenerentola]

Thank you, Bloomie!  I appreciate the warm welcome.  I actually just read Adult Children of Immature Parents around Thanksgiving on a friend's recommendation ... it was very good.  I look forward to more such recommendations and thoughts!