The emotional "hangover" that lingers after you have been around them

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Does anyone else continue to feel overall sort of "awful" after you have spent time with a PD family member?
 
I re-engaged with family members a couple months ago due to parent's illness. (Not advised, but I did it anyway.) There was a rather intense couple weeks of contact, then as things got somewhat stable, I backed off. Texts and calls continued however to dribble into my phone, which I mostly ignored. It was enough however to see the hoovering, blame and smearing upon my withdrawal. I then just blocked them.

It has been several weeks since any contact, and I cannot shake off feelings of malaise, despair and disgust. I feel like it is coming from them. I did not feel these things prior to contact, and even though I am not seeing or talking to them, it feels like they dropped off a garbage bag of rotten junk in my driveway that will not go away.

The more time that passes since I have seen them or heard their voice, the better I continue to feel, but it feels like a slow recovery from something quite awful.   
           
Has anyone felt similar, and what is that?

 

[clarityjane]

I can relate to this feeling. Somehow, whenever I'm around my PDFM, I feel confused and conflicted about so much. After some time away, I have learned that it's because they expect me to fit into the shape they made for me, which happens to also be one that I no longer am able to contort to. That's what I've come up with for myself. But yeah, I go into a "funk" and as you said, malaise, is an accurate term for it. A feeling that is also common for me is numbness afterward.

I, too, feel better without contact. Recently, I was faced with family members that I haven't seen in many years and the hardest part was their emotional reaction to seeing me. It's not easy for me to see someone I don't know cry but someone in my family, I feel so awkward. I put up a wall, I guess, and it's not because I don't care but I know what they're capable of when they pull me in emotionally. 

My current situation has been a long and tedious road. BBPancakes, you are not alone in this. I can't tell you why you feel the way you do, but I'm sure you'll discover what it is you need to know. Trust yourself and your ability because you have brought yourself this far.

[LemonLime]

Blueberry, I recall a massage therapist friend of mine saying years ago that those are the signs of "emotional vampires".   She said when she had a client who was an emotional vampire, she had to shake off the feelings physically.  Like shaking her hands, I think.  As if shaking off water.
Maybe that helps...hope so.

[Liketheducks]

Yes!   So much yes!    I have to process my time with my family very carefully.   Many times, once I sit down and chill out after spending time with them.....I find myself thinking "did they really just say or do that".   In the moment, I'm so caught up in being extra vigilant, that I often don't realize what pain they've inflicted until I have a moment to myself.   

I second the grounding techniques afterward.   I will often run my wrists under icy water.   It helps to get me back to "normal".

[Rebel13]

Oh my gosh yes. It once took me two weeks to recover from a 30-minute video call with my mother, where she tried to run a big guilt trip on me. I alternated between furious, sad, hurt, confused, frustrated, shaky. I love the suggestions here for getting out of that state sooner. This video by Ingrid Clayton PhD shows three techniques I have started trying to use to let feelings pass on through instead of getting stuck:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCW1zCKNjEo

[NarcKiddo]

I get this too. What has been taking me by surprise recently (I remain in contact - as low and grey rock as I can muster) is that a "good" visit is as exhausting as a bad one. In fact it can be worse. For any visit I have the stress building up to it and then the emotional effort of keeping my guard up during it. I then need to decompress afterwards. And it is that decompression that is so variable. After a bad visit it can be quicker and feel easier. Maybe because my preparations leading up to it and my defence efforts during it feel more validated. Proof to me it was work worth doing. Plus the relief of it now being over.

When it is a good visit (or any sort of contact) the decompression takes longer. I start wondering if maybe they are changing a bit. Becoming nicer. My logical self knows it is just hoovering or love bombing in response to my boundaries, which have become strong and effective for the most part. Sometimes it is not even that - when my mother has other supply in abundance and I am just boring old grey rock she becomes very polite and nice and behaves much as she behaves to non-family. She puts on her charming mask. And it's not about me at all; it's just what she does when on auto-pilot. My emotional, child self thinks I am being mean to enforce the boundaries and would like to believe the love bombing is evidence of love. She'd like to believe the nice mask is real. After all, everyone else thinks mother is charming and great company (until they discover otherwise), so maybe it is me who is getting it wrong. I feel guilty and uncomfortable because the dissonance between logical, adult me and emotional, child me is very wide after a good visit.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you Clarityjane, LemonLime, Ducks, Rebel and Narckiddo.

The techniques you mention all seem quite helpful.

I think the residual effects of having been around them keep re-activating because I am replaying the things they said and ways they acted that I find so appalling. As I think about it, it feels like it is happening all over again.   
 
In the moment as it happened, I was grey rocking and energetically trying not to take the bait or engage. I did not feel anything at the time. However, I think my feelings now tell me that on a visceral level, I felt it all. I felt hoovering and utter hostility of the mob when I did not just pick up the pieces and behave as they wanted.
 
I had done so well for nearly seven years with NC with sibling and VLC with parents. I re-engaged to help my ill parents, and I am regretful that I did. At best, I guess I will take my experience as a case study on why it is not a good idea to re-engage with family after NC.  Thanks. 

[SaltwareS]

"I get this too. What has been taking me by surprise recently (I remain in contact - as low and grey rock as I can muster) is that a 'good' visit is as exhausting as a bad one. In fact it can be worse."

I can be pretty good at "filling up my tank" emotionally, good at self-motivating. BUT there is an exception: after visiting the NPDparents I have a tank-deficit. And then I worry that I'm going to suck the life out of the people around me just getting back to a merely empty tank.

And yes it's a good visit that's worse. I've been better about dissociating when I'm with them but it's tough.

[Cat of the Canals]

I used to cry after a visit with my family. The second I was in the car by myself, I'd just feel this awful sinking feeling. I'm not a crier in general, and there was generally no specific reason for it -- my mother is *usually* on best behavior when I'm visiting and in full lovebombing mode. She's not like my MIL, who has a penchant for saying awful, abusive things out of the blue.

Looking back, I think part of it was guilt. My mother voiced it out loud once: "Even if I saw you every day, it wouldn't be enough." I'm not enough. I've never been enough. How could I not feel guilty for that?

I had to start telling myself after visits: You did enough. You are enough. I'd just repeat it to myself the entire drive home to fend off the inner critic saying, "But you could be more open with her. You could give more. She isn't asking for much."

[WipeOfftheFog]

Currently going through this. Try nurturing yourself as you would a child. Make healthy meals, give yourself time to play/excercise, make sure your environment is nice and clean. Plenty of gentleness and willingness to feel your feelings. I feel like I've taken a step back in healing by seeing them ( I had to for a funeral), but this is also allowing me to see how my coping skills have evolved over the years. Sending you a big hug and hope you feel better very soon. You are not alone.

[Liketheducks]

Absolutely!  I have to really check in with myself when the phone rings....as in, "do I have the bandwidth for this right now?"   Even good and successful visits mean I need a week or two to process what happened.   Someone here suggested that in the moment of those visits, we're just trying to survive....and then after we realize what was really said.   Hang in there.  Self-care the bee-jeezus out of yourself.   You're definitely not alone in this.

[Skyward]

Wow! All of these comments could relate to my circumstances. It's such a playbook of horrible behaviour, and our responses are so similar.

I have marked today as the day I get myself out of the fug that seeing my mother over Christmas as induced in me (yet again). I have started to dread the next Christmas from the very beginnings of January!

I have marked today as the day I wrench myself Out of the FOG that I've been experiencing for the past few weeks since I got back home (I'm not doing very well as half the day has already gone!).

I had planned to spend these few weeks I had off work doing some personal creative work. But I've done nothing. My mind has been completely hijacked by thoughts of my mother, both day and night (restless tossing and turning and re-living conversations in the middle of the night). Yesterday, the metaphor of parasite and host came into my mind (I hope this isn't too graphic). She is controlling me even in the safety of my own home.

[SpiritedChange]

This kind of thing is what has given me the courage to finally cut the cord today. For the first time I have blocked everyone in my FOO related to my mother. Any contact about any topic leaves me with an emotional hangover that can persist for weeks.

Life is just too short to sacrifice my inner peace for people who do not care about me. That for me is the bottom line. Why am I spending my precious time that I will never get back on people who do not care about me? It just doesn't make any logical sense.