Please help me understand

[Maree Rose]

Mom is self absorbed. I am damaged. She is 89 in a Nursing home.   She has congestive heart failure.  Back in hospital now.  She was never there for me though any surgery..birth of my kids...nothing.   i visit the nursing home..take her snacks..things she needs.

I have this new sister in law who mom made power of attorney.
She is very bossy to all of the family..guilting us if we dont sit with mom..etc. 

I had to point blank tell her that I cannot feel what I don't and Im not sitting with mom constantly. So now moms back at hospital and I'm getting " but she cant be by herself"  from sil.   the hospitals now are overwhelmed with the flu. Code yellows. 

I am so sick of it.  I dont  understand.   How does a almost stranger tell me how to act.

[Fiasco]

Sounds like your mom has found a kindred spirit in bossy SIL. She has zero authority over you and you don't owe her an explanation. You're free to not respond to SIL at all, but if you do respond remember to communicate your intentions in as few words as possible. No, I'm not going to. No, that won't work for me. Or just no.

[Rebel13]

Hi Maree Rose,

I experienced something similar once, with a friend who was in the hospital, and another friend, who I strongly suspected was disordered in some way, wanted lots of attention for her "self-sacrificing" behavior attending to this friend, telling anyone and everyone how she hurt her back because she "had to" sleep on the floor in the hospital room so this friend would not be alone. The implication was clearly that the rest of us were terrible friends for not doing this sort of thing. She did not react well to my telling her "you didn't HAVE to, you CHOSE to sleep on the floor."

Point being, lots of people set up certain expectations about how people (usually OTHER people) should act in any given situation and then give themselves lots of cookies for doing something a truly kind and generous person would do out of caring, without bragging or expectations of thanks. You do not have to fall for this. Just because this person thinks your mom needs X or Y, doesn't mean she does, and certainly doesn't mean you need to be responsible for providing X and Y! It sounds like you are doing what you can and what you're willing to do, and that's just fine.

[Maree Rose]

Thank you both! 
Yes Rebel13,  spot on about the self sacrificing . SIL is always saying how much shes doing. I think SIL is also disordered. In December mom was in the hospital. SIL went in knowing an ice storm was coming.  My brother told her to get home. She refused and he had to get her on icy roads.  I wont fall for it as you say...no way am I putting up with it.  So great you told your friend that about sleeping on the floor!!

Yes Fiasco, mom adores SIL. it's all I hear, how SIL sat with her..etc etc. I will take your advice and respond just as you said. They do both  have bossy personalities..so mom loves her.

[Maree Rose]

She is now bashing my brother, her husband for not going to the hospital

[TimetoHeal]

I think Fiasco hit the nail on the head!  Your mom found her kindred spirit!    She's her power of attorney.  Let her take care of her.  And don't feel obligated to do anything! 

[Maree Rose]

TimetoHeal, thank you. That's what several people tell me also. Then there's the ones who think no matter what gotta be a good daughter.  My husband is one of those.

I need to get stronger.  I am working on it.