Newb. Hi.

[Aelora]

Born into a severely chaotic family, with generations of abuse, neglect, and incest, and surrounded by a large extended family who were all 'in' on the con.

Reading about these situations as an adult, I relate a lot to people who have escaped cults, because growing up in an extremely religious, far right-wing community, to a family of criminals and child abusers who normalized the abuse is a mind fuck that is incredibly difficult to describe without comparing it to living in one.

I'm embarrassed to admit that it took me until my early 30s to realize just how far off the deep end my family were, and just how much they had been hurting me and purposefully holding me back in life. The more I read on the topic the more I realized that a lot of the issues I've had since I was a small child, are actually symptoms of abuse, and based on my family history and current symptoms, the abuse likely started when I was a newborn.

I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that this damage, this actual, physical damage that's been done to my brain, to my nervous system, is something that I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. Trying to figure out how to be a person when the foundation of my development was chaos, neglect, and torture.

Most importantly, trying to find a way to live my life on my own terms, and rid myself of abusive or uneven relationships in my life. How do I do that when I've been trained, like a dog, to ignore red flags, to accept abuse, and to feel comfortable around people who would harm me for their own gain? Still trying to figure that one out. So far, I've just isolated myself, which has resulted in me feeling like I've been backed into a corner with no path forward.

Have been focusing my energy on working on myself instead of bothering with others, trying to pinpoint my triggers (both behaviors and foods that send my brain and body into a tailspin), and work on ways to keep my nervous system regulated long enough to go out into the world and pretend to be 'normal' enough to earn enough to be deemed fit enough to live (by societies standards).

Hopefully some of this made sense and I haven't managed to alienate myself already. 

[bloomie]

Aelora - you have made perfect sense and I am so thankful you have found this community and have trusted us with a bit of your story so far.

There is only one way I know of to find the path to living on our own terms, trusting ourselves and, in a way, reparenting ourselves and that is one day/step/situation/trigger at a time. Just exactly what you are already doing.

And.. developing a support system for ourselves where we can know and be known by others who get it and are for us.

I have heard growing up in a chaotic, neglectful abusive home is similar to having been swimming in a dirty fish tank all of our lives. It is all we have ever known. It is usual and we are surrounded by it and our vision is obscured to the outside by the muck. We look to the right and left of us and everyone we trust and love is swimming around in the same tank as the entire system gets more and more unhealthy.

When we begin to experience aha moments, glimpses beyond the waters we have been immersed in it all becomes intolerable and we seek to escape to fresh, clean, clear waters and begin anew.

I am thankful beyond words that you have done that and that you are willing to reach out for the support you need as you go forward.

The website has so many resources, books, other online videos, a toolbox, all gathered here for you... for me, the most valuable thing I have experienced here is the wisdom and understanding of a community of people we will never meet who get it on a level that no one else I have ever engaged with do. And who are willing to help light the way.

I look forward to seeing you out on the forum boards. Welcome!

[SonofThunder]

Hi Aelora,

So very sorry for what you have endured! I absolutely love bloomie's encouraging words and a +1 to your strength and vision in understanding your past and proactively moving forward.  Well done and welcome to this wonderful community of caring people from all over the world. 

Pull up a chair around the friendly conversations and I'll see you around the boards. You are not alone. 

SoT

[Aelora]

Thank you for the kind words, I just feel a bit out of place here, I guess. Looking around I see people talking about their partners or family members with personality disorders, but I'm in a completely different place with completely different problems it seems.

I'm past the part where I give a shit what was wrong with my abusive family and am at the part where I'm trying to focus on correcting my own thinking and behavior.

This, combined with my own personal thoughts and opinions on things make me question if this is the right community for me, especially considering how triggering it is to see parents talk about their children who have personality disorders, when they're the ones that raised them and how we're raised and what we're exposed to is often the most important contributing factor in developing those disorders.

I'd like to find likeminded people, but I'm not really willing to keep my mouth shut when I perceive such injustices.

Hopefully that makes sense, maybe I'm just misreading the forum.

[notrightinthehead]

Aelora, welcome! You are asking how to find a way to live on your own terms and rid yourself of unhealthy relationships. I think you are on the right path here, looking at what you have control over and what you can actually change - your own thinking and your own behaviour!
Once you have decided that instead of looking at what others have done and are doing to you, you look at yourself you are on the way to freedom. I have found 12 step programs , especially CoDA, very helpful for myself. Given your background, where it seems that religion has been used to abuse you, you might find the frequent reference to a higher power in these programs difficult though.
There is a book - Why does he do that? By Bancroft, that I found helpful for discovering red flags - manipulation and control techniques of abusers. Have you checked out the crappy childhood fairy on YouTube? Especially her earlier videos are very helpful at discovering your own disregulated behaviour and techniques on how to calm yourself when triggered.
I also found mindfulness meditation and meditations for self compassion - Kristen Neff - helpful to strengthen and improve my treating myself.

As far as this forum is concerned, there are some posts that sound like a person is stuck and just regurgitating the same complaints for a long time, unable to see the open door of the self imposed prison. And if that triggers you, see it as an exercise in what to do when triggered. I use such posts to learn from them what not to do. Or maybe be selective which posts not to read - self protective discernment.

You seem on a good path, I wish you lots of strength!

[Rebel13]

Hi Aelora, there is another site, Out of the Storm, which I believe focuses more specifically on healing and recovering from traumatic abuse. Maybe that would be more of what you are looking for?  https://www.outofthestorm.website/

You might see some members from here at OOTS. There is more content like that in the Other Sides of Us section of this forum as well.

Best of luck to you!