CODA

[Pig wrestler]

Why would an uNPDw go to a CODA (Co-dependents anonymous) meeting? Is it because she is trying to play the victim? Have any of you heard of this group before? I would think it would be me attending this 12 step program. I see this as a manipulation tactic but I could be way off.

[SonofThunder]

Ive heard CODA mentioned but dont know anything about it.  As you mentioned manipulation and victimhood already, is attending anything such as CODA or counseling, any potential benefit for her in some way regarding a legal matter of divorce? 

Meaning does attending paint her positively in a way that may aid her in a legal defense or even custody matter?  Lastly if theres a cost to attend, does it set any cost precedence for a spousal support claim?

I really have no clue on any of that, but my stbx's attorney pushed her to expensive private therapy right out of the gate of separation. Imo it was to establish a need for additional spousal support monies and/or professional case support if needed, but lol she quit attending.  Would have loved to been a fly on the therapist's wall.

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

I have been attending CoDA meetings for years. They are free. Members donate what they are willing to. We pay a small rate for the room we use for the meetings which is always covered by the donations. The meetings follow a format, firstly all 12 steps are read then one step, or a topic is read. Members can share. There is a time limit, usually 3 or 4 minutes for each contribution. Cross talk (commenting on a previous contribution) is not allowed. Then all 12 promises are read, the meeting finishes with a prayer and the serenity prayer.
The program focusses on self growth and the responsibility one has for one's own life. We had the occasional narcissist (my suspicion) attend some meetings, they never lasted long. They tend to try to latch on to members and suck them for all the empathy and support they can get. But CoDA members try to get away from their tendency to enable others, so they don't make good targets. Narcissist usually are irritated with the no-crosstalk rule, there they attend a meeting and have such terrible problems and talk about them so eloquently and then - no response. The next talker talks about their own, uninteresting issues. Narcissists find this frustrating. They usually mention that they don't like the format. And fade away.

If your wife takes the program seriously, she will be guided to reflect on herself, her behaviour, her thinking. That is something you might have wished for previously. If all goes wrong she might find an enabler in the group she is attending. My guess is, she won't go to meetings many times.

CoDA, at least where I am, does not write reports on members, does not give advice other than how to deal with one's own co-dependency, does not certify in court. I don't think you need to worry. Let her try it out.