Sister might have lapses caring for mom - hard not to fix this but I can't

[Blueberry Pancakes]

For over seven years I have been NC with my sister and VLC with elderly parents. Dad died last year, and mom is in Memory Care in an ALF. 

Until one month before my dad died, both my sister and I were POA. I decided to have a brief duration of contact with my sister when parents moved to the ALF. We disagreed about most aspects. Unknown to me, my sister hired an attorney to meet her and our parents at their ALF and they revised the POA to remove me leaving only my sister. My sister claimed my parents "did it wrong" and she never gave me the revised paperwork. I called the attorney and asked for copies, but he refused to send me anything.   

With the revised POA, it literally left me no voice and no place in anything. None of the staff are even at liberty to tell me anything. This meant my sister was the only one at the center of everything and in control of all decisions. It also meant if I ever want to know anything, I have to go through her.

I am firm in NC with my sister so I know absolutely nothing about my mother's condition and likely will not know when she dies. I accept all of that as the side-effect of being NC. On the upside, I also figured my sister had sort of done me a favor by giving me a clear push out of the whole scene. 
   
Recently however two of my mother's friends called asking what is going on with my mother. I have not been in any recent contact with these people. Both said they were trying to get updates from my sister, but what she told them did not make sense. They were worried. In particular, one said she visited my mom and noticed she did not have sheets on her bed, did not have any soap or toothpaste in her bathroom, and did not have a mini-refrigerator in her room for her favorite soft drinks. She also mentioned that she visited my mom while in the hospital for an asthma attack. She became concerned when my mother did not have guard rails on her bed to prevent a potential fall. My mom has a portable clock with time and date on it so she can stay oriented on what day it is, but it was not there. Mom apparently had not been eating because the hospital ordered food that required a knife and fork, and my mother cannot cut food since she has dementia. She said my sister spends half her time at a second property in a different state and wondered how often anyone is checking on our mother's living conditions, ordering toiletries, and advocating for her while in the hospital.     
     
I informed this friend how my sister revised the POA last year so I can no longer advocate for our mother or make decisions. I also said I had not been informed of the recent hospital stay. She was appalled. She said my sister told her that I never respond to her text messages and have abandoned everyone. I did not explain, but I did have to refer this friend back to my sister. 

I am not surprised about the smear campaign. I am also not surprised my sister is overwhelmed by the responsibility she maneuvered to own but cannot fulfill. I find it odd if my sister is still texting me after she has been blocked on my phone for seven years. Is she still trying to pull in her scapegoat sibling to fix her problems?         
         
I think it is possible my sister assumed she can call the plays for others to perform as she does other things. It is hard to think my mother could be suffering in any way due to my sister's oversight, when things could be resolved with a bit of attention. I cannot jump into this situation, fix it or rescue anyone. Sometimes I ruminate on it (like now). It is hard, but I just feel like this is a situation that I did not create and is not mine to own. 
   
Is this a common scenario? 
   

[Call Me Cordelia]

That's a lot of detail. What kind of hospital doesn't provide sheets? On the other hand, mini-fridges aren't a feature of any hospital room I've ever seen. If she cannot get updates from your sister how did she know about the asthma attack and hospitalization? There's missing information here, but do you think this friend is a credible witness?

You ask if it's possible your sister is still trying to pull you in by proxy... with disordered people, just about anything is possible. If that's what's going on she can have the prize for most bizarre flying monkey attempt.

Good for you not explaining yourself to this friend!

[walking on broken glass]

Blueberry pancakes, this must be so difficult. I am so sorry. You are right that you cannot do anything to resolve the situation and perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. I also agree with Cordelia that the friend may not be a credible witness. Good for you for stating the facts and not allowing yourself to get pulled into the drama.

What you describe sounds like something my sister would do. She has already convinced my mum that I am after the family fortune and want to cheat her off her inheritance. I don't know how POA works in the country I am from; I think as her adult children we are legally both responsible? not sure. I will have to look into that. But my sister would also love to show that she has all the responsibility and the is the caring sister, while wanting absolutely nothing to do with making decisions and providing actual care. Your story makes me think that this is a possible future for me.

It's all so sad. I am sorry.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Cordelia and Walking. I guess I blabbed on a bit too much in this post.

I think my point was just believing that my GC sister was more focused on maneuvering to obtain 100% power and control, but then not willing to do the heavy lifting of the ongoing caretaking for an elderly parent. I feel like I sort of already know the answer. Thanks. 

[TimetoHeal]

I hope Cordelia will correct me if I'm wrong, but I think she meant that was a lot of detail that the flying monkey had shared with you, not that you shared too much detail!      It's suspicious that she knows all these details but claims she can't get any updates from your sister. Then again, I reread your post, and see that this person went to visit her at one point in the hospital.  But I agree with Cordelia that the hospital should have sheets on the bed regardless if your sister or anybody else was there or not.  It sounds like there may be some embellishment going on.  Hmmmm....

But regardless, this is very frustrating.  I am sorry you feel helpless and unable to do anything.  In a way, yes, it is a blessing in disguise, but it doesn't keep you from thinking about it and wanting to do something.  I just wanted to encourage you that, even if you are not POA, you have every right to visit your mother and see how she is doing. No one can block you from that, even if you can't make decisions for her.  Maybe that would set your mind at ease that she is okay.  If she isn't okay, then that is another story.  I can't imagine that staff at the ALF wouldn't honor your wishes to bring your mother more blankets, find her emergency device, let you put a mini fridge in her room, etc. if you were there visiting with her, whether or not you are POA.  That is basic care that they are being paid for, not a medical or legal decision.

And yes, to answer your question, it is highly likely that your sister finagled this situation at least in part to force you into communicating with her.  And to make you look bad.  Who even knows if she is texting you, or if she is just telling people that?  I'm so sorry you are going through this. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, a lot of detail that you received!