Navigating No Contact with Grandma and not making it awkward for your kids

[Tribe16]

Hi all,
I haven't posted too much the past year as my relationship with my elderly Mom deteriorated even further (didn't think it was possible).

Leading up to the passing of my Dad, my mother froze me out, and I had to hear things second-hand from my sister or my kids. She was gatekeeping information. I don't know if it was jealousy, I don't really know what her problem was. I spoke with my Dad weekly until he couldn't communicate anymore. I flew out to see Dad a couple of months before he passed, I tried to set up a visit with my mom and my sister to see Dad on his birthday, and my Mom martyred out and said (to my sister) "You girls go, I'll just stay home". I wasn't having that so I told my sister I'd come later in the afternoon. So Mom and sister had the morning with him.

2025 I kind of feel like I'm officially no contact. My Dad passed in 2024 and I haven't actually spoken to Mom since the night he passed. For a quick update here's what has occured in 2024, and then I'll ask my question.

- Dad passed, last call with Mom
- Sent flowers and a card, no acknowledgement
- Got a lengthy text from Mom that was very I, Me oriented (from her perspective), and a "Sorry IF I ever hurt you that was not my intention but I don't want to talk about these things anymore, it's time to move forward." There was never a "How are you, are you doing OK with losing Dad?" or a "Dad loved you very much" - no words of comfort.
- Did not keep me in the loop at all about Dad's cremation or any details of anything really. Found out from my sister.
- Kept hearing from my sister "Why is Tribe so upset? What is her problem?"
- Waited a month or so to respond to that. Sent a letter that took me a week to write. I had no grand expectations, but felt better writing it. It was kind, but to the point, explaining my boundaries going forward that a relationship was not possible without mutual respect, and that I would not be her scapegoat anymore. As expected, never acknowledged.
- Her only form of communication at this point was FB Messenger (she has my email and my cell phone if she wanted to reach out that way)
- I would check in, receive 2-3 word responses, very cold.
- Sent her a big envelope of great grandkid pics, no acknowledgement.
- In October sent her a newsy text of a new baby, response was "Thank you. Congratulations." This was cold, painful and really derailed me so that day I decided to block her from all social media, thus cutting off the FB Messenger pipeline.
- Christmas sent a small box of homebaked goodies, mostly because it's her first Christmas without Dad and I felt sorry for her. No acknowledgement, no holiday greetings from her - this was a first.
- All along my therapist keeps reminding me that a relationship is not viable with some kind of effort on Mom's part but there is none.

Anyhoo, Sister is trying to be loyal and not keep secrets from me, told me that Mom was upset that I blocked her on social media. She couldn't understand why? "Why would she do that?"

Youngest son visited her at Christmas, she told him "Your mom and I aren't speaking to each other right now". I find it interesting she was less than honest and did not tell him "I am not speaking to your Mom right now." She also told him, "Tell her I'm not mad." Whatever.

This weekend middle son tells me Grandma/Mom is coming down with Sister for a visit to see the g-grandkids and that she needs "computer help" and help with "end of life documents".

I have now told my Sister, and my kids exactly why I needed to put up a boundary. I've told them I realize it is awkward, and I don't want to jeopardize their relationship with Grandma - she does not create problems for them. Typically she is somewhat distant though friendly/loving to them. I also told them I DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHAT SHE SAYS ABOUT ME ANYMORE. It is very triggering when she acts all shocked and confused on why I am upset. I don't want to hear about her social life. I don't want to hear what she thinks about anything. If she is dying, or sick, or showing major signs of dementia, or if you think there is anything else really important that they think I need to know about then tell me. But otherwise, I don't want to know about the day-to-day stuff.

That being said, it is killing me not knowing what the "end of life" stuff was that she was talking to my son about. I know she already did POA stuff with my sister.

I have a very close relationship with my 4 adult kids. They are wonderful people. But they also love their grandma. She has not treated them the way she treats me. They all have a warm, if not terribly close relationship with her. I have a good relationship with my sister.

How do you quash the curiosity of what is going on with your estranged elderly parent when you know that she is interacting with your kids? How do you manage the boundary in a healthy way with "I don't talk to grandma anymore, but I know you do and that's ok?"

If you have any tips, tricks, words of encouragement lay them on me because I have been anxious all week. Thank you for reading this far.

[bloomie]

Tribe16 - first, I offer my deepest condolences on the passing of your father. Losing a parent is complex, even in healthy families, but in the midst of dysfunction and the other parent acting out, it makes a painful time even more disorienting. I am so sorry!

Something that is more of an internal boundary that has helped me A LOT in very similar circumstances is to respect that if the person (in this case your mother) didn't tell me directly or contact me themselves, then whatever is going on in their lives and what they say and do is truly none of my business.

Your mother, triangulating your sister and children, sending messages to you through them to you, is not how loving, mature, respectful families communicate. By ending your cooperation with that you are setting an example for your own family of choice and keeping the best possible hope of continuing to have a good connection with your sister.

You said what needed to be said to all parties. One time. Clearly. That is what love looks like. You did good! Stay the course!

[moglow]

Something that is more of an internal boundary that has helped me A LOT in very similar circumstances is to respect that if the person (in this case your mother) didn't tell me directly or contact me themselves, then whatever is going on in their lives and what they say and do is truly none of my business.

This for me. If she wants to talk to me and treat me as she does others (with respect and kindness), she could call. That she won't and instead channels through others tells me she's choosing this. Okay. I wouldn't want the messages and updates either. 

I kept trying with mine, asking questions, how are things going, you mentioned seeing xyz doctor how's that working etc. Fell flat with little to no actual response, then she suddenly had some excuse to end the call. Every time. Never did come back and answer me. THEN she'd snipe that I "have no idea what's going on here because you don't caaaaaaare!" Um no, I've asked, repeatedly, and received no answer. I've stopped asking and presumably brother will advise if there's anything actually needed.

Grandma has options and she's choosing to do everything but talk with you. That's on her. I wouldn't want to talk or hear about her either. They may need to find their own boundaries with her and let her know they're not carrying tales back and forth. You want to know what Mom's thinking, grandma? Reread that letter or call her yourself. I got nothing for ya.

[Rebel13]

I don't have much to add to the wisdom of bloomie and moglow, but I will just say I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm also the scapegoat and my mom's disdain, criticism, withdrawal, and drama over the years has been very painful. I'm glad you created the boundary of "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHAT SHE SAYS ABOUT ME ANYMORE" and yet, I feel you, the curiosity about what you're not being told can be overwhelming. My mom was so horrible to me the last time I saw her that, hard as it was, it also broke whatever was left of my caring about her, and that actually helped. Maybe over time this will become less important. Maybe creating a mantra for yourself, something like "What she thinks about me, what she's doing or saying, is none of my business" (thanks bloomie!) that you can repeat to yourself when you are feeling anxious, while taking some deep breaths, can help you calm down and remember why you set the boundary in the first place. That's the kind of thing my therapist has been working on with me lately and it does help me.

[Tribe16]

Something that is more of an internal boundary that has helped me A LOT in very similar circumstances is to respect that if the person (in this case your mother) didn't tell me directly or contact me themselves, then whatever is going on in their lives and what they say and do is truly none of my business.

Thank you Bloomie. Yes, I have had this in my toolkit before, and I just forgot about it, but I appreciate the timely reminder. It's good stuff. Thanks for the condolences about Dad, we're coming up on the 1 year anniversary, and I think we will go out and get ice cream that night. He would have liked that.

You want to know what Mom's thinking, grandma? Reread that letter or call her yourself. I got nothing for ya.

Oh Moglow, how I love this. I would love to hear them say this, but they are probably too nice to. But they are kind enough to abide by my boundary. I spoke with my son today (the one she visited this weekend) and her name was never mentioned. That tells me there was nothing drastic or too weird and I can assume all is ok in her little world.

My mom was so horrible to me the last time I saw her that, hard as it was, it also broke whatever was left of my caring about her, and that actually helped. Maybe over time this will become less important.

Rebel, I'm sorry that you and everyone else here can't have a normal, nice mother. I'm happy for you the that the sting has been dulled for you. I will always care about her. I hope I can get to the point where I just see it as 100% her mental illness and 0% "I've been rejected. That will be a good day.

Thank you for your input everybody. I hope I've put a stop for now at her attempts at triangulation.