Hi! Might Be In The Wrong Place , Looking to Answer Some Questions

[LycheeMangoPineapple]

Hi, I am here because I have increasingly questioned my immediate family's behavior recently, and I am looking for answers to why they behave how they do. I would hate to take up space where I don't belong, or offend anyone, so if what I describe doesn't seem like personality disordered behavior feel free to tell me to try another forum for family issues.

I think my memory of things up to high school is fuzzy, but its hard to say for sure, since you can't remember what you have forgotten. However, my main problems with them are these:

My mother when I was young overreacted to things a lot. For example, one time as a kid, my sister was up late playing video games, and my mom wanted her to go to bed. My mom told her she was addicted to video games and she'd have to take her to the doctor, which made my sister cry and get upset. She still overreacts sometimes, but she has been calmer since around middle school or high school, since I was older and didn't require constant looking after, that factor might have calmed her a bit. I also feel like I didn't play games and things with her that much. A problematic behavior from her that my dad shares is I feel like she could take care of our pets better. I am in college so she and my dad have full care of them. She overfeeds my dog treats, which I have told her many times to stop and makes me angry, and she then makes fun of him for being fat and gets upset at the vet for saying he's fat, let his nails get long and curled before taking him to the vets and having THEM cut them, even though I have encouraged them before to try to train him to get better with nail cutting, and they have time, they don't walk him that much because he is bad on walks/slow and stops alot, and overall I feel like his life is boring. I feel like they got bored of him after the first couple of years, and put more attention onto their cats who are newer pets.

My dad when I was young would often emphasize us listening to his favorite music and watching his favorite movies, etc., which as a kid I didn't mind, but as an adult I kind of resent. I also resent my mom never got to show us her taste in music as much. However, we did watch our own kids shows, of course, and he encouraged us to. Looking back, my sister and I agree that he was pretty critical of our work, though I'm not sure how overcritical, since I don't have many specific memories of this category I can recall. One example is I remember showing him a story I wrote as a kid I was really excited about, and he seemed confused, saying that the grammar was wrong, and that the sentences didn't make sense, which upset me a bit. That's not to say he wouldn't congratulate us for doing well at things, and nowadays he isn't as critical. I also remember him screaming at my sister when she was little to go to her room when he was mad at her, I forget exactly why. I think he also taught me to kind of shove my emotions down, but in a way that sounded positive and encouraging. I remember once I was scared to do something and he said something like "Suck it up and shake it off and you can do it!" I also remember him getting frustrated at my emotions. Nowadays I don't think about him that much, we barely talk/text, even when I visit he is watching tv most of the day, and doesn't eat dinner at the table with mom and me, eating it in the tv room instead later, saying it's because he prefers to eat dinner late. I don't really want to talk to him though, because it is awkward, since we have nothing to talk about.

Finally, my sister, who was the only person in my family who I thought had behavior issues until recently. I don't know how long I've known my little sister to be the 'mean' one in my immediate family. Ever since we were kids she would make fun of me for little things, she calls me an idiot for asking her questions sometimes, etc. Physically, she does these things that I hate: tickles me, grabs my cheeks, annoyingly saying how 'cute my cheeks are', grabs under my chin, and slaps me on the butt which I especially hate, even after I have yelled at her to stop. Also, once in a while she will ask to eat some of my food, knowing I will say no, throw a fit about it and ask me over and over, only to eat some anyway while looking me in the eye. The food thing especially gets me mad, I have screamed at her several times for it at dinner with my mom, dad, and aunt and they all treat me like I'm a crazy person and she just laughs at me like I'm an idiot.

Overall, I am scared to tell my parents often when they do something that upsets me. I have also had an increasing feeling of disgust and cringe around them, especially my mom, because she is so clingy when I mostly want her to leave me alone. I remember as a kid not knowing what to write on their mother's/father's day cards - I couldn't come up with what exactly I liked about them. I feel like I don't really know them and couldn't describe their personality if you asked. I don't really feel any warm fuzzy feelings for them, which made me feel guilty for a while, like something was wrong with me. I remember them asking me one day as a kid how I would feel if one of them left, and I said I wouldn't feel anything (maybe partly how I felt, partly I remember thinking that was how I thought they wanted me to answer).

Of course I feel like I may be exaggerating all of this to try to lead whoever is reading to the conclusion that these people are bad, and there is nuance to all of these problems that would take too long to write here. I am overall lost and don't know what to think.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Welcome. Yeah, I think you're likely to be in the right place here. I relate to so much of what you write, especially the part about just not wanting to be with your dad. The food thing with your sister and the parents and aunt sweeping it under the rug sounds like classic scapegoating behavior.

That said, if you are away at college, I wonder if your school would offer therapy resources for students? As highly as I think of this forum, it's not an adequate replacement for in-person support.

[Rebel13]

Hi LycheeMangoPineapple! I feel for you so much in what you are going through. Family dynamics can be so complicated and hard to figure out.

The way I have come to understand the purpose of this forum, is that it is less about diagnosing other people and labeling behavior "good" or "bad", and more about understanding how others' behavior affects US and what we can do about it. That's why this part of what you wrote  really jumped out at me:

Overall, I am scared to tell my parents often when they do something that upsets me. I have also had an increasing feeling of disgust and cringe around them, especially my mom, because she is so clingy when I mostly want her to leave me alone.

I don't think you're exaggerating, those are real feelings, and it's good to listen to them. The problem is, since we can't change other's behavior, only our own, it's hard to know what to do with them. That's where the articles in the Toolbox and reading through other people's stories on the forum can be so helpful, to learn how others manage similar situations.

For example, if you're tired of your sister stealing food from your plate, you could decide not to eat around her. You don't have to tell anyone, you don't have to have a big argument or try to force her to act differently, you just choose when and where you eat, as often as you can.

Similarly, if your mom is being clingy and you are over it, you could choose to leave the room or the house to get some space for yourself. Again, you don't have to make a big production out of it, as it sounds like that would just ramp up the conflict and unpleasantness for you. You could just get the space you need for yourself, whenever you can.

I also second Cordelia's recommendation to get some in-person support for yourself if you possibly can.

I hope that helps and I wish you luck dealing with difficult family situations! I certainly know what it is like, and there are many wonderful people here who can help support you.

[LycheeMangoPineapple]

Welcome. Yeah, I think you're likely to be in the right place here. I relate to so much of what you write, especially the part about just not wanting to be with your dad. The food thing with your sister and the parents and aunt sweeping it under the rug sounds like classic scapegoating behavior.

That said, if you are away at college, I wonder if your school would offer therapy resources for students? As highly as I think of this forum, it's not an adequate replacement for in-person support.

Yeah I am seeing a therapist currently