Help holding boundaries

[SaintBlackSheep]

Hello, I've stepped away for a bit because things have gotten to be too much with my parents and it's been too hard to even write about any of it, but I'm finding myself feeling "stuck" with a situation and I'd love some insight...
To try to keep a long situation as brief as possible, at the beginning of the month, I was on a FaceTime call with my parents--nMom and enDad. nMom has undiagnosed dementia and enDad has undiagnosed lifelong depression and anxiety. I was talking to mom about her "forgetfulness" when dad suddenly got agitated and began yelling at me in the background and ordering my mom to end the call "because it's going absolutely nowhere!" So I hung up. That's a boundary, no yelling, or the conversation ends.
2 weeks later, mom called me again while dad was out. I told her my concerns for her/their health (again) and told her I was not going to talk to dad at all until he apologizes for yelling at me. Now, she wants to call again. My parents are allergic to accountability. I feel 99.9% certain dad will not apologize. They are major rug sweepers, and any effort to resolve anything is viewed as "dragging up past drama" and "causing problems."
So my problem is, how do I deal with a boundary that I set, and that is likely not going to be respected? Or is going to be respected in the form of a halfassed apology? Based on a lifetime of dealing with them, the pattern is to blow up at me, then act like I'm being a "brat" when I react to their blow up, (even though I'm middle aged with kids of my own,) then I avoid them for as long as I can until they reach out and just act like everything is fine. It's not fine, and I can't keep acting like it is. I also don't have the energy or desire to waste my breath trying to convince him to apologize, or why I am right, or any of that. So where do I go from here? Is this how people go no contact?
She wants to call today and keeps lovebombing me text messages like "daddy and I wuv you so so much, sweetsie weetsie!" She does this gross baby voice thing during lovebombing, which makes it really easy to spot but also extra nauseating. and I KNOW my dad did not say "oh, I see you're texting our daughter! Please tell her I wuv her so much!" He is pretty checked out and always has been. When she calls, and dad does not apologize, what do I do? What do I say?

[TimetoHeal]

Hey, SaintBlackSheep!

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  First of all, good on you for enforcing your boundary!  Your dad yelled, you hung up.  Way to go! 

As far as getting him to apologize next time you talk, I know you realize you cannot make him or anyone else apologize, and trying to get him to would probably result in more frustration and exhaustion for yourself.  The boundary you make, in this case, If you yell at me, I will end the conversation, is completely dependent on what you CAN control, not what you can't. 

As far as what to say when she calls again, you can't expect your dad to apologize if he doesn't see the need. You could reinstate your boundary:  "Mom, Dad, I would really like to have a nice conversation with the two of you, but if either of you starts yelling at me, I will have to end the call like last time".  Or, you could just proceed without saying that, and just reinforce your boundary by hanging up again if they yell again.

Is it exhausting and ridiculous to have to deal with grown people this way?  Yes, and your'e right, it's probably why many people end up going no contact eventually.  But in the meantime, keep your boundaries! 

[Rebel13]

She wants to call today and keeps lovebombing me text messages like "daddy and I wuv you so so much, sweetsie weetsie!"

 

When she calls, and dad does not apologize, what do I do? What do I say?

I think TimetoHeal's suggestion is a good one, if it works for you: restate that you'll hang up if there is yelling.

I can also see saying, "Dad, Mom, I've said I'm not going to speak with Dad without an apology for his yelling at me last time we talked. Dad can apologize or leave the call, or I'm hanging up now."

I mean, I don't imagine either of them would respond well to this, but if you feel that boundary is important, you'd be sticking to it.

And good for you for hanging up on the last call due to the yelling.

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry saint black sheep.
I can recognize the vicious cycle. These people will never accept accountability and apologize. They just expect you to 'let it go' and proceed as nothing ever happened. The best they can muster is 'I am sorry if you were hurt' followed by a 'but'. So, I agree it is futile to expect them to apologize. If you are not prepared to cut off contact altogether, perhaps the best way to deal with this is what Rebel and Time to Heal have already said: hold your ground and your boundary when it comes to yelling or other offensive behaviour, and minimise contact. You could also just call your mum and not your dad. Will he butt in if you call your mum? In this case, you could just say hi but not engage any further. In a way this is honouring your boundary because you are not having a proper conversation with him, just acknowledging his existence.

[SaintBlackSheep]

Thank you all for your responses! I guess re-reading my post and reading your replies has really helped me see that I am now unwilling to continue the fake relationship with them where we chat a few times a month and pretend everything is fine, even when they're very mean. My teen was just diagnosed with autism and I have big health issues of my own, and I don't have the bandwidth to care for my immediate little family and also manage my parents' emotions for them. And I resent them for adding to my troubles instead of helping, or doing nothing at the very least. I mean, my dad heard about my teen's diagnosis, and then yelled at me! And my mom did nothing. WTF! I don't need that. So I am going to hold to that boundary and not communicate with them until he apologizes. When we talk, it's over face time and my dad will lurk around and sometimes join the conversations, so it's hard to just talk to one of them only. I blocked notification alerts from my mom. I can still see her texts but don't get an alert, so she's not interrupting my day with her weird love bombs. I unfollowed her on Facebook so I don't have to deal with her public love bomb weirdness there. She JUST texted me to see if I can FaceTime, and I responded with "only if dad is ready to apologize. I cant handle another call where you both pretend everything is fine, so if neither of you is ready to face reality, it's not a good time to talk, and won't be for the foreseeable future." So far, radio silence. We'll see how it goes.   

[walking on broken glass]

Well done for standing your ground and listening to your needs! So well said 

[Rebel13]

I mean, my dad heard about my teen's diagnosis, and then yelled at me! And my mom did nothing. WTF!

 

She JUST texted me to see if I can FaceTime, and I responded with "only if dad is ready to apologize. I can't handle another call where you both pretend everything is fine, so if neither of you is ready to face reality, it's not a good time to talk, and won't be for the foreseeable future." So far, radio silence. We'll see how it goes.   

Oh good for you!!! I hope you get all the love and support you need in this hard time, from people who are able and willing to give it.

[TimetoHeal]

Way to go, SaintBlackSheep!

I love how you took time to think about everything, process it, decide what works for you, and then did the thing!   

I can so relate to having too much on your plate to deal with that mess!  I have an autistic son and health problems of my own, and a full-time job, and no husband or partner, so I totally get it!  I have backed way off from my elderly uNPD mother because I simply don't have the bandwidth to caretake her as well.  Not completely NC but VLC.

Hang in there!  You are doing great!

[SaintBlackSheep]

Well its been a week and I got a short text from my mom yesterday and that was it. I didn't respond. I haven't talked to my dad in over a month. We're their only family. My kids are their only grands. It's just insane to me how self obsessed they are and they dont even seem to miss us.

[TimetoHeal]

Boy, I get it.  My mom doesn't miss me, can go weeks without talking to me, until she needs something from me.  Then I must drop everything to attend to her crisis.  Or so she thinks.