Stuck

[Trinity85]

It's been about 8 months since I last posted. A lot has happened, but I'm not sure the details matter. I haven't been able to break free from my partner. My therapist says it's a trauma bond. I'm sure she's right but I'm not sure knowing that helps. It feels so hard to leave, even though I know that I should. Each time I finally get up the emotional courage to free myself, something happens that makes it impossible. And I have to admit that there is also a part of me that doesn't want to leave; I like being with my partner. I don't like the crap he does behind my back however. It's so hurtful - just soul crushing - emotionally abusive - and it always comes out in the end, even though he tries to hide it. I have started to worry about my mental health. For those who have left, how did you finally end it? I am feeling like my therapist is not really helping. The therapist says she can't help me with the trauma until I leave but I feel like that is keeping me stuck. I have made progress I think in managing my emotions and responses to the madness but in the end the situation has not changed. Would just like to hear the wisdom of others who have been in this pace.

[square]

I'm recently out. And it took me a long time. Some of that time was just practical necessity, but a lot was just me not wanting to.

In my case, I'd say leaving required three elements.

1) Loss of hope

This is the first thing I achieved. For a long time I hoped things could get better somehow. I tried a lot of things and worked on myself. The flame of hope got smaller and smaller until it basically totally died.

2) Dread of staying outweighed dread of leaving

I never actually wanted to leave. It's more that the dread of staying actually came to outweigh the dread of leaving.

Staying meant basically throwing what remained of my life away. Staying meant having zero dreams, not even little ones, staying meant living in the kind of mess I had to endure like having to mentally trick myself into coping with, staying meant I had to hide both emotionally and physically. For the rest of my life with no hope.

3) I set something in motion

I'm disabled and of limited means. I applied to low income housing. Applying did not commit me to anything. There was a wait list. I waited. Being on the wait list didn't commit me. Eventually my name came up and I had to provide documents. I was scared but more scared to miss my chance. Right up until the day I signed the lease, I could have backed out. And when it came down to it, I dreaded not signing it more than signing it.

Having something external in motion pulling me along really helped.

Anyway, that was my experience. I hope it might resonate one way or another for you.

[SonofThunder]

  #1 was realized well before #2.  #2 sealed it and I walked away. 

Between the two though, certain life logistics had to come together for me in the plan to depart, for a variety of circumstances particular to me. 

Wishing you the best. 

SoT

[Trinity85]

Thank you @square and @SonofThunder. That was so helpful. When you left, did you say anything? Or did you just walk away? I feel like I have said all there is to say.

[notrightinthehead]

I think #1 is the most important of all.

For me #1 for me was years before I left.

Once I had killed all hope I began to build up some financial independence because I knew that he would not give me anything and fight me for every cent of our assets.

I left in stages. I went away for work for several months at a time , came back, resumed my caretaker duties increasingly sloppily, went away again. I was so scared of him, I tried to fade away.

Eventually I had become so useless as a supply - he could not fight with me anymore, no emotional response, no more services, grey rock and medium chill all the way - he got tired of me and found himself another woman, and -final victory (discard)- kicked me out of our home. I was grateful for that because I am not sure, I could have made the final step.

[Trinity85]

Thank you @notrightinthehead I guess I am somewhat lucky - although that seems like a strange word to use given everything. I do not have to worry about the practical aspects of leaving. For me, it is about severing the emotional bond. I guess I still have hope, although I know that is ridiculous to have at this point. I don't know how to kill it fully. I need to let go of the fantasy that has kept me going for so long. I don't think my circumstances are unique, but perhaps talking a bit about them and hearing the experiences of others may help. I've tried to talk to my therapist about this but I feel like she doesn't understand, or maybe I just want her to make it better and she cannot. I could have my fantasy life with him - but it means ignoring the reality of our relationship, and I don't think I can do that. I think I am rambling. Thank you for letting me talk and for listening.

[SonofThunder]

Thank you @square and @SonofThunder. That was so helpful. When you left, did you say anything? Or did you just walk away? I feel like I have said all there is to say.

Imo, the method of departure is dependent on the emotional and physical security of the abused, which I believe is foremost.  I do not believe we owe an abuser any JADE in departure. 

If emotional and/or physical security is not a factor, then the abused conveying their strong boundary decision to permanently and lawfully end the relationship may be helpful to the abused. 

Not only helpful in the emotional pressure release of that statement, but also to be intentionally clear to the abuser, regardless of whether the abuser understands or discards that conveyed information. 

A key also is to plan the boundary departure in a proper way so that the abused may carry it out fully, within the laws of the land in which they live.  A proper boundary does not attempt to control the abuser, but fully protect the abused.

SoT

[MaxedOut]

This is such a great question and thread. I am happy to elaborate on any of these, but the 2ish year process for me included:

* Got clear about things not getting better nor having any reason to count on that.
* Figured out what things were keeping me stuck and working through each one
* Learned more about abuse, and got used to saying and identifying that
* Documented treatment - this started as record keeping, but turned out to have been a powerful way to clearly see patterns and the sheer frequency of crap

These were probably the most important and sufficient. But also...

* Thought through the what-ifs and actual next steps of getting discarded or leaving
* Worked through various points and types of grief
* Decided to no longer put up with being abused in my primary relationship-one way or another, I committed to that being done
* Worked through steps to stop the abuse from within the relationship
* Gave myself permission to not do or say things that felt unsafe-that trying didn't require setting myself up for more abuse or holding myself to my own relationship values that are predicated on mutuality and healthy people
* Stopped focusing on understanding her internal landscapes, PD nuances, support stuff, etc.
* Developed more self protective ways of thinking instead (e.g., "it doesn't matter if she means to do this or if she doesn't understand-it's not ok")
* Did safety planning and prep in case of quick exit and prepped (mentally and practically) for the more extreme possibilities
* Worked the toolbox, reviewed the tapes, fell off and got back on the no-JADE horse many times, paid more attention to the dynamics than the words, experimented at times to test stuff
* Got more honest about what was going on with therapists
* Started thinking about and better describing important harms that were a little less direct (e.g., loss of self respect for carrying out her expectations about treatment of third parties she was in conflict with)
* Started thinking about what life after means and could look like
* Did things for me and sticking with the rough BPD type extinction bursts to routinize them
* Got honest about how truly overwhelmed, burnt out, and overextended I was and also stopped doing some of the stuff, whether she agreed or not that it would be ok to do so

[Rebel13]

This is an amazing list, MaxedOut, thank you for sharing. Much respect.

[Trinity85]

@sonofthunder @maxedout Thank you. I have been reticent to admit that I am struggling. I know that I need to leave and yet I find it hard to do so. It is helpful to see how others have found their way out. I feel like I am so close but there always seems to be something that stops me. Maybe I will start another thread about that. Possibly others have traveled that same road and may be able to offer some wisdom.

[square]

Is it external things like events or expenses or crises, or internal things like guilt or fear or uncertainty?

[findingmypath]

@Trinity85 - I'm so glad you started this thread.   I also have felt "stuck" for years.  I know I am deeply unhappy.  I know that staying is taking a toll on my life.  But I can't seem to make the step to leave.   It's not like me to be scared to do something in my life, I think it's more like I am thinking about how my decision blows up the life of my daughter, my life, and his life. And I don't want to cause that mayhem. But I'm starting to get to point of @square #2.   

Anyway, I found everyone's comments and lists very very useful. Thank you @square, NRITH, SoT, Maxed out for sharing your experiences and perspectives.

[Trinity85]

@square It has been both, but more recently it feels like it is more because - quite honestly - a part of me doesn't want to end it. I feel ashamed to admit that I enjoy being with him, especially given his behavior behind my back, but it is true.  I guess this is common in abusive relationships. Somehow I have to find the courage to leave.

[square]

You don't have to be ashamed. I still sometimes get glimpses of the husband that I enjoy being around. Unfortunately for me, I can't count on Dr. Jekyll to be the one at the controls.

I came to accept that Mr. Hyde was here to stay and I gave up hope of improving it. That took a long time. And it came to be that the glimpses of Dr. Jekyll were just not enough anymore. Every day was filled with dread and emptiness to the point that I fantasized about getting away.

The act of leaving was hard and scary, but staying was too. Leaving just took more energy, that was all.

[Trinity85]

@square I feel so close. Following the 51% rule took forever for me, but I feel like I am there now. Letting go of the last bit of hope is very painful, especially since I finally feel that I have broken through a lot of the BS. The manipulation - and other tactics - no longer work. Conversations lately have felt very truthful - although who knows. I think I will start another thread on this. Thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts and wisdom on escaping. They were so helpful to me.

[JR]

I'm recently out. And it took me a long time. Some of that time was just practical necessity, but a lot was just me not wanting to.

In my case, I'd say leaving required three elements.

1) Loss of hope

This is the first thing I achieved. For a long time I hoped things could get better somehow. I tried a lot of things and worked on myself. The flame of hope got smaller and smaller until it basically totally died.

2) Dread of staying outweighed dread of leaving

I never actually wanted to leave. It's more that the dread of staying actually came to outweigh the dread of leaving.

Staying meant basically throwing what remained of my life away. Staying meant having zero dreams, not even little ones, staying meant living in the kind of mess I had to endure like having to mentally trick myself into coping with, staying meant I had to hide both emotionally and physically. For the rest of my life with no hope.

3) I set something in motion

I'm disabled and of limited means. I applied to low income housing. Applying did not commit me to anything. There was a wait list. I waited. Being on the wait list didn't commit me. Eventually my name came up and I had to provide documents. I was scared but more scared to miss my chance. Right up until the day I signed the lease, I could have backed out. And when it came down to it, I dreaded not signing it more than signing it.

Having something external in motion pulling me along really helped.

Anyway, that was my experience. I hope it might resonate one way or another for you.

  you got great courage being of limited means and also disabled and was able to sign that lease and get free not knowing that it could have been a bad move without emotional and monetary support. im still stuck in a trauma bond with a narcissistic family member and also narcissist siblings(enablers/flying monkeys) I've become a servant to a narcissist mother whom had a stroke and i became a caregiver,at the time i thought i was doing the right and noble thing cutting off my career and personal freedom for it, all i got was abuse, health took a hit, and savings/money diminished, at the time i had no idea what narcissism was or existed, these people are sick and troubled individuals whom really deserve no help or pity IMO.