BPDm’s rage outbursts

Dinah-sore · March 18, 2025, 03:42:58 AM

Hi, I am sorry to bother you again. I think my last post made me realize I would like to get some input on this too.

I just read back through some of my old posts about my mom on here. I notice how many details I have forgotten of how she has been in the past.

And when I forget, I get blindsided. I just want to share a couple things that happened recently that I have just stuffed.

On thanksgiving my parents came over and it was just our family and my parents. My oldest daughter wanted her boyfriend to talk to my mom over the phone. Her bf is a jokester and she warned him that my mom is not someone you joke with, he didn't believe her and so he joked with my mom. She got a very firm voice and told him, "I think you are extremely disrespectful and inappropriate." It wasn't good, my DD was really upset. She thought my mom overreacted to a joke. And didn't want to hang out the rest of the day. I don't know how I feel. It is still stuffed in the part of my brain I hide uncomfortable moments. I feel uncomfortable. Like she shouldn't overreact, but there is a small part of me feels like BF shouldn't joke with my mom. I feel both. So I just stuff it because my feelings are probably wrong.

The other thing that happened was the next time I saw my BPDm, on Christmas morning. My parents came over to watch my kids open their presents in the morning. I was serving breakfast and we were just sitting down to open gifts, and my small harmless dogs happened to start fighting over a dropped piece of bacon. They are loud and it can scare you, but they are ok, and I was right there to stop them.

When the dogs started to fight, my mom stood up from the couch and charged at my dd who had dropped the piece of bacon on accident, and she put her finger out at my dd and yelled at her in the most growly and aggressive yell, I can't describe it. It is my mom's scariest voice. And she raged on my dd "DONT YOU EVER BRING FOOD AROUND THE DOGS EVER AGAIN!!!" My 20yo dd just sat on the floor looking at me trying not to cry and she said, "I am not ok with being talked to like that."

By then I think I was in fight or flight, so I remember hoping to get my dd to not upset my mom worse, and my mom threatened to leave because we were being mean to her by being upset with her raging. It wasn't like she was thinking it would be good to leave, to calm down, but like a tantrum, like if I leave I am not ever coming back kind of leaving, And I remember feeling like I had to protect her.

Can I even admit that during most of it I don't even remember, because I was dissociating. I actually hid on the floor of the kitchen behind the counter and just dazed off while a lot of it continued to happen.

To be honest, my mom ruined Christmas, and then I acted like I was going to fix everything and behaved like My job was to make sure very one was okay with each other.

I was able to get everyone to go back to open presents, but the joy was gone. My dd was going through the motions, with fake smiles and polite words, till she excused herself and spent the rest of the day in her room.

After it was over I thought long and hard about how I behaved, and I do have some compassion for myself because I truly believe once my mom's started yelling I started thinking with the cognition of a six year old (why I started hiding in the kitchen, as a kid I always hid in small places when she yelled).

But also have so much anger at myself for being so weak when this happens. I talked to my dd and apologized, I explained that I messed up, and I should have asked my mom to leave. That my mom was out of line and I failed her by wanting her to not make my mom more upset. Like my priority, which felt like an emergency at the time, was feeling like my mom can't handle feeling guilty for what she did, so we have to forgive her and be nice and move on. My mom was crying and acting like nobody loves her because she got too upset, and she only got upset because the dogs fought and she thought they would kill each other. She says because of her past abuse she can't handle moments where she gets scars like that. And that could be true. But then say sorry, and don't make us feel bad for being upset and startled by it, take responsibility. And she gets scared sometimes so she has to rage. She gets to display every emotion, and we have to understand and forgive. She isn't gracious to anyone else's temper. But tubs our noses in it. I think what happens is she does something wrong, and the only way she thinks she can fix it, is by abusing, manipulating us so she doesn't have to feel bad for it. She has me trained really we wit this too.

So yeah. I am seeing that I am so messed up. When I get triggered I still make bad choices that prioritize my mom. I hate that about myself.

My mom raged at my kid on Christmas morning and I apologized to my dd but I still suck. I am glad I apologized. I didn't yell at my kid, but I did t help her feel protected or stood up for either, I just wanted her to not upset my mom after the rage. And that sucks. I suck.

I can still see dd's eyes when she looked at me and said "I am not ok with this." How mature is that? How amazing is my kid. She spoke up for herself in the middle of the chaos. Why did I worth so much more about my mom's feelings? Like I cared about my dd too, I think I was afraid of my mom getting worse. Like she could get worse. And what sucks is that my dad did nothing either. My husband did help, he immediately said to
My dd that she did nothing wrong. So that was amazing. And I did hear that, when I was hiding. But my dad doesn't stop her. He is scared of her too. My dad LOVES my dd, and I used to be able to talk to my dad about what my mom did to me. But now it feels like he is always on her side. Even though she abuses him too.

I don't know what my question is, maybe it is, when will I stop getting sucked into a childlike way of thinking during her rages? Will I ever be able to feel like the adult in the room who can tell her to behave or leave? I feel like that would kill her. I feel broken. Like I won't get better, and she will just die and it will just be like this till she dies. So I just need to not spend much time with her. COVID helped me a lot, just with time apart.

She used to yell at the kids sometimes when they were little and I remember telling my friend about it, but when COVID happened they weren't around her as much, not at all for a couple years, and now maybe 2-4 times a year we see her. Idk. Thank you for your time. I don't want to waste your time. But I think I just stuffed these incidents because I don't like how they make me feel.

So these weekly arguments about conspiracies are all on top of these u comfortable in person incidents.

And they remind me of when I was a child, and my mom would be just like "Karen" videos, and I would feel the same way, really uncomfortable and also like I had to be on her side, even though I was embarrassed and afraid. The feeling is so gross. I am angry that she behaves I. Ways like this, and I feel guilty for feeling angry at her.

Don't I know how much she loves us? You know?

Thank you big hugs. So sorry.

Dinah-sore · March 18, 2025, 03:51:06 AM

One more thing about it is how it ruined the presents. I know gifts are not the true meaning of Christmas, but the gifts represent my love for my family. Like I planned for the presents. I was excited to give my kids concert tickets to someone they love. I was excited to give my mom a funny gag gift before I gave her her real gift. Like it sucked.

And I don't think I let myself feel that because of some faithfulness to her, like she would be hurt if she knew I was upset about that so don't think about it.

Dinah-sore · March 18, 2025, 04:03:13 AM

I probably sound so dramatic. I am so sorry

Liketheducks · March 18, 2025, 06:43:59 AM

Dinah....you sound....familiar, not dramatic. I'm sorry the holidays were so stressful with her around. I LOVE that your daughter said "I'm not ok with being talked to like that". Good for her.

Can you take some time away....go lower contact?

walking on broken glass · March 18, 2025, 09:06:43 AM

Dinah, I am really sorry you are going through this. Please don't think you are dramatic. I can perfectly understand the feeling of helplessness that comes upon you when you are faced with such situations. Your daughter sounds amazing, and her reaction is a testament to how healthy her upbringing has been. You did great by talking to her about the incident and expressing your regrets for not interfering in a more assertive way. I am sure your daughter appreciates and values this.
You remind me of past situations where my sister would behave unreasonably and I would be torn as to how to react. I knew that she was being unreasonable or rude and yet, if I didn't take her side, her rage would be directed at me and both her and my parents would accuse me of disloyalty. It is very difficult to get rid of the feeling of forced loyalty to a person, when it's been inculcated to us from an early age. It is very difficult, a tremendous feat, to stand up to someone who has been bullying you. So be compassionate with yourself.
It would help you a lot if you took a break from your mum. Low contact, lower contact or even no contact for a while, if you can manage it.

Rebel13 · March 18, 2025, 02:23:31 PM

Dinah, I'm so sorry this happened to you! I had to take a break in the middle of reading your story because it affected me so much, it is SO familiar, that trapped feeling, wanting to escape, but feeling you are letting everyone down. A few years ago I had a couple of really good friends over for a holiday meal, and I invited a new-ish acquaintance who had told me she was alone for the holidays and a couple of sad stories about her family problems. (RED FLAG IGNORED)

This acquaintance proceeded to get drunk, when none of the rest of us were drinking, and argued with one of my good friends about something my good friend is pretty expert in, and the acquaintance knew basically nothing. I did the same as you, I hid in the kitchen! I felt terrible afterwards for not standing up for my friend, and I told my friend that and apologized. This is just to say, please, do not feel that you are alone in any of this or that you are the only one who has these reactions. Like wobg said, "It is very difficult, a tremendous feat, to stand up to someone who has been bullying you." In my case, it was someone I barely knew, but her behavior set off all those reactions that were laid down in my neurology and emotions when I was just a little girl.

All the compassion you felt for your daughter, you get to feel that for yourself as well, because your mom treated you like that when you were as young as, and younger than, your daughter! She trained you really well to never hold her accountable for her behavior and to smooth everything over, just like my mom did with me.

This past year I've been working with a trauma-informed therapist and it has been SO helpful to me. Is there any way you could get some help like that for yourself? Another resource is the work of Pete Walker, https://pete-walker.com/. I learned so much from his articles about emotional flashbacks, which is one way to think about what happened to us in those extremely stressful moments.

I have to be honest, it sounds like this pattern with your mom is pretty entrenched, and so it will probably take a while for you to work on responding differently when she behaves like that. So like wobg and Ltd said above, if you can, give yourself some time and space from her while you prioritize the needs of yourself and your family and learn a little bit about how others have handled these dynamics. And go REALLY easy on yourself! For example, no more "I suck."!!!

More like, "I did the best I could in a difficult moment, and I'd like to learn how to handle it in a way I can feel good about." Right!??!

Lots and lots of compassion and fellow feeling from me to you today.

frogjumpsout · March 24, 2025, 09:39:05 AM

For example, no more "I suck."!!!

More like, "I did the best I could in a difficult moment, and I'd like to learn how to handle it in a way I can feel good about."

Dinah, I wish so much that my own mother had apologized and affirmed me that way you did your daughter. You're doing great.

NarcKiddo · March 25, 2025, 08:09:43 AM

Yes, it sucks.

No, you do NOT suck.

It is not surprising that you are overtaken by these emotions from childhood and get put back in that childhood place. That is very familiar to me and I have spent most of my adult life becoming totally incapable of rational thought when my mother rages, and then making it my only mission to get her emotions calm and settled. Which is not always a mission that can be achieved as I would like, given she is in charge of her emotions and I am not.

My approach with this, with help from my therapist, has been baby steps. Very tiny baby steps. Such as standing up to my mother on a small matter at a time when she is calm. The more you can learn that the sky does not, in fact, fall in when you do such things helps your body to learn new emotions and recognise the power and agency you have now that you are an adult.

As for your daughter, of course you want to protect her, but she is now an adult. So if you feel able to explain to her that you are working through these things an that you may not be able to react to protect her I am sure she would understand. She probably understands already but it may do the two of you good to be able to talk it out a little bit. And if you think it will not, then you can always make an apology to your daughter at times when you react as you would not wish, and leave it at that.

I am glad to hear that your husband is supportive. And sorry that your dad is not - but if he is still with your mother then that is to be expected, I guess. My father has never supported his children over his wife and has turned a blind eye to whatever abuse he may have been home to witness. Mostly he just stayed away at work.