Heartbreaking-

[Deby64]

I'm sitting here in tears because my grown children just said to me how angry they are at  me for staying with their PD-Dad. I attempted to explain PD's to them and they said I always make excuses for him. Trying to explain some of the mistakes I made which made their lives miserable fell on deaf ears, they only want to blame him. I'm feeling convicted as if I am causing them to see him in a negative way. I've shared to much with them and now can't make it right. I'm super hurt.

[Cascade]

That must have been hard to hear. I think it's difficult to know if a person should have left their marriage years ago, or if they made the right choice to stay. I've wondered that myself, regarding my own marriage.

[square]

That does sound like a difficult conversation. Did this come up organically or did they decide they wantedgo talk to you about this?

I think it's okay to just hear how things affected them as children. A lot of tension might be relieved if they just feel heard. It can be very hard for children as they have no choices and are inherently vulnerable.

These situations are complicated and there are reasons to stay and reasons to leave. Some kids resent that their "safe" parent stayed, some resent that they left. Perhaps in time they may come to understand your reasons, or at least accept it. But I think it would help your children a lot if they could explain to you what things were like for them and just let that sit and be acknowledged without defense for a while.

[notrightinthehead]

I had that too. Sometimes its hard to listen to someone elses' truth. I almost lost the relationship with one of my kids because they were so angry with me for not protecting them better against their NPD father. I listened to their grievances. I apologized. My apologies were honest and truly felt. I am so sorry for my contribution. My excuses, my siding with him sometimes, my tolerance and enabling of his behaviours.

Are you still defending his behaviour to your kids? Trying to explain? Rationalizing why you stay? I agree with the other posters. Giving your kids the option to honestly share their experiences and feelings and validating that will go a long way to repair the relationship.

[Deby64]

As always. Great to know I'm not alone. As issue happened between one of the grandchildren and my PD-H, when I attempted to share with them how I agreed he was wrong, but he can't help it his disorder makes him view things from his own perspective focused solely on him. They lost it. I did attempt to listen and validate their feelings, but it was a stressful and difficult situation.

[square]

We actually don't know to what extent those with personality disorders are incapable of making better choices. There are reasons to believe they often can do better, such as when PDs are raging at a family member, only to calm instantly and behave appropriately with an outsider, then return to raging when the outsider leaves.

Either way, whether one believes a PD has no control, partial control, or full control, I suspect that for your children they may have felt that your priority was protecting their father over protecting them as children and now their own children. I'm sure you didn't mean it like that and may have been trying to help them feel better by seeing the harm caused to them as not a choice. But it may not felt that way to them.

Your children will come to their own conclusions about how much choice their father had and has. As the "safe" parent, your role would be to work to emotionally support your adult children and protect your grandchildren.

As an analogy, say you had a dog with a history of biting. And let's say on a visit, the dog bit one of the grandchildren. One option would be to express dismay, ensure the child is comforted and safe, then make plans where future visits happen outside of the home or other protective measures are taken.

Another option is to say "this is terrible, but the dog can't help it, it's just being a dog," and make no changes because everyone should understand the dog had no choice.

Which option will feel safer to the adult children and minor grandchildren?

[bloomie]

Deby64 - I imagine there is hurt and disappointment on both sides of this exchange and that has to weigh on both you and your child. I am really sorry for this and yet, I have hope that greater understanding will come from it for all of you. That there is purpose in this pain.

Having chosen to stay in a challenging, decades long, marriage with someone who has strong PD tendencies I can say that out of a good motivation I have desired and worked to preserve and protect my family and to avoid breaking apart our family and loving friends that are our family by divorcing. Not unreasonable.

What I have had to look at closely is if I have been willing to preserve and protect, to avoid further pain and disappointment in those I love... at any cost. That is where a good desire moves into something I will potentially conceal, argue, peace keep, disguise, excuse, to maintain. And if I have shifted to 'at any cost' it will begin to control my life, my ability to empathize and admit the truth of the difficulties and impact on myself and others all of this brings and eventually tear apart the very thing I may have been fighting to preserve.

Would it be fair to try to find a way to see how far you may have gone to preserve, protect, maintain and if it is, or has been, at any cost? Would it be healing for your adult children to begin to hear the awakening... or coming Out of the FOG, you are experiencing and for you to be able to hold space for their disappointment and pain?

Is it possible good motives and reasonable desires have gone too far in your family dynamic? 

For me, as much as I didn't want to hurt, disappoint, harm anyone by leaving my untenable situation, I wasn't willing to stay in it at any cost. And my unwillingness to stay at any cost and make excuses for hurtful behaviors was the catalyst for a great deal of change on both my part and my DH's part.

Just some food for thought. Sending you hugs and wisdom as you move through this!

[OverHere]

Deby I am sorry to hear you are going through this and being accused after what must have been very hard work on your part. 

I think having children with an uNPD or a uBPD is a no-win situation.  If you leave, they use lies and distortions to get custody and do parental alienation, so you lose even contact with your children and then your adult children.  If you stay, you get blamed as a partner in the abuse.

Knowing this from my own experience, I don't blame my normal parent for what my other parent did. I think your children are blaming you because they are afraid of their other parent, but it's not right and I hope one day they will see what would have happened.