Handling spouse's conflicts with others

[zad7242]

  Running into a challenging situation where my uBPDw is having conflicts with people at our church and our kid's Sunday school where my wife is a teacher. I haven't been physically present when other members of our church said/did offensive things to her, but she has become very upset that other teachers and parents are rude to her or the kids. It's hard because on the one hand I would have bet any amount of money that before long she would come into conflict with someone (even at church) but it's not fair to assume that she is not accurately experiencing the harm that she says she is. One of the men she accuses of screaming at my son during Sunday school is not well liked and I could totally see him doing it. I want to defend by wife and our kids in a full-throated way, but with PD I always have to wonder about the accuracy of what's going on.   Anyone have thoughts on balancing being the loyal husband defending my wife's honor but knowing that she has accused me of many terrible things, so why wouldn't she do that to other people? 

[bloomie]

zad7242 - this is quite the double bind you are in.  I am sorry to hear your are facing this.

What would make sense to me given this is a faith community, is to go with your wife - in the case of the man who screamed at your child, and meet with him and your pastor, elder, leader whoever is overseeing the safety and treatment of the children, to talk it through as The Bible instructs us to do.

If it is another woman who has been offensive or rude to your wife, then it would be up to your wife to go to her and talk that through privately, keeping it between the two of them to resolve and taking further steps if they are unable to resolve the matter.

If your wife doesn't want to talk things through with those she has been offended by, or who have yelled at your child, it could be a tell. And, ultimately your support would be one on one with her to the extent you feel is wise, keeping in mind there could be exaggeration.

My two pennies on this.

Have you talked with your child or heard confirmation from anyone else?

[zad7242]

I appreciate that bloomie. In this case, looking at all the evidence, I do believe my wife. I talked to the man (fellow husband and father of young children) on the phone this morning and he instantly became very angry that my wife was accusing him of this. He said my 8-year-old son plowed over his daughter and didn't apologize, and if anything, my son should be apologizing to his daughter. He hung up on me after saying "I'm going to talk to your wife" To me, it showed, he has a temper and didn't want to calmly talk things through. Much to her credit, my wife was hoping to be able to talk things through and not have it be a big deal. So, your questions do prompt me to more confidently side with my wife on this one. Thanks! 

[bloomie]

Zad - that is the thing, right? When we have been falsely accused and seen the dysfunction in our spouse directed at us, and then something really happens like she described with this man at church, it is really hard to know what to believe. And that feels ick.

I am glad you spoke with this man and my hope is he will leave your wife and child alone and stop volunteering with the children if this man cannot offer gentle redirection when they sometimes run into each other when playing.

You handled this well. 

[zad7242]

Thank you, Bloomie. And since my wife is so proud of me for standing up for her, I'm getting loved bombed. She can't keep her hands off of me just days after telling me that it wasn't until she met me that she knew real evil existed